Starring Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson and Madison Pettis. Rated G.

Sports teams use game plans in order to maximize success and limit risk. So do Walt Disney family films, the latest of which is even called The Game Plan so you won't have to worry that it contains anything fresh, spontaneous or, you know, good.

Instead, you get a generous serving of cinematic pablum, in which a musclebound action hero learns that children are more delightful than freedom, sex, or dignity. Kindergarten Cop had Arnold Schwarzenneger as a detective; The Pacifier had Vin Diesel as a U.S. navy SEAL; and The Game Plan has Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson as a professional quarterback. Johnson plays Joe Kingman of the fictitious Boston Rebels, who is a wildly successful player in every sense. Handsome, articulate, rich, and possessing the perfect penthouse bachelor pad, Kingman's only apparent weakness is his pug, Spike, with whom he is emotionally overinvolved. This is our clue that what Kingman really yearns for is a child.

It turns out that he had one all along: an eight-year-old daughter named Peyton Kelly (Madison Pettis). Peyton is one of those obnoxiously confident sitcom children who can readily explain things such as why Kingman is obliged for a month to look after the daughter he never knew he had while her mom is in Africa.

Jeered by his teammates, who serve as a burly Greek chorus, Kingman finds fatherhood emasculating and a threat to his career, love life, and household. Then he discovers the fun of taking his kid to ballet and doing as many other cutesy activities as can fit in a montage set to Electric Light Orchestra's "Mr. Blue Sky".

As terrible as this seems, Kingman–and the audience–has no choice but to find it heartwarming. Don't we know that fathers are the key to childhood? We need movies like The Game Plan to bring respect to that long-neglected male gender.

However, it's hard to like a manipulative, scheming smart-ass like Peyton. Kingman might be a little high on his own musk, but his kid is an infernal sociopath. At least The Rock remains a wry, fearless actor of witty mien and boundless charm. Although he'll never find a script as important as this one, he can hopefully console himself with something entertaining.