Even with pink-snapper shots, holidays in rehab, and coke-fuelled DUIs dominating the $1.99 supermarket-tabloid headlines these days, there's still one sure-fire way for movie and music stars to grab the public's fickle, yet eternally perverted, attention: the celebrity sex tape. Whether green and grainy, or just straight-up zany, the superstar fuck flick is a guaranteed way for high-profile horn dogs to claw their way onto the coveted front page of OK! and US magazines–whether they want to be there or not. It doesn't matter if you're talking fame whores or has-beens, the carefully timed release of a sex tape is a tried and tested way of keeping a celebrity on top by showing them on top; and on their backs; and on their hands and knees.

Judging by Meg White's sudden bout of acute anxiety and subsequent cancellation of the White Stripes's much-anticipated Icky Thump tour, it's safe to say she didn't want the authenticity of her droopy tits and roly-poly paunch contemplated endlessly by Internet speculators. Nonetheless, fuck footage of Meg–or someone purported to be Meg–started popping up on amateur smut sites last week. The well-stacked White Stripes wallflower, not known for much beyond her signature simplicity as the band's drummer and as the ex-wife/sister of frontman Jack White, immediately refuted the raunchy recording via her record label. Whether real or not, Meek Meg's induction into the money-shot hall of fame promises to bring her instant notoriety.

Take Tommy "Donkey Dong" Lee's floating fuck fest, for example. Once just the gangly knob-head from Mötley Crüe, Lee is now known for something bigger–much, much bigger thanks to Pam & Tommy Lee: Stolen Honeymoon. It's so big it honks marine horns, steers boats, and fills holes in Hollywood. Lee's super-size sex tape gave the former hair farmer's waning career a home-run hand job and shot the sex appeal of his copulatory costar, Pamela Anderson, onto clitoral cloud nine.

Park Avenue's Princess of Poon, Paris Hilton, gave the term viral marketing a whole new, and unfortunately literal, meaning when her onetime lover and full-time creep Rick Salomon brokered a megabucks distribution deal for his now-infamous night-vision romps with the ex-con socialite. Recently engaged to former sex-tape starlet–and Donkey Dong darling–Anderson, Salomon is one low-def video clip away from being financially set for life.

Then, there's R. Kelly. Not one to waste an opportunity to piss on a teenage mall rat, this R&B super perv provides a good example of what not to do in the celebrity-sex-tape game. While there is no formula for making the ultimate in homemade hardcore, there are three simple rules for aspiring celebusluts like Meg to consider. Rule No. 1: getting naked with 14-year-olds is bad. Rule No. 2: peeing on naked 14-year-olds is really bad. Rule No. 3: taping yourself peeing on naked 14-year-olds is really, really bad.

Besides keeping it legal, before hitting the Record button, celebrity-sex tapers should always consider the camera angle and lighting if they want to get the most bang for their bang. Meg–if that indeed is Meg–unfortunately, did not. Three minutes of flapping hairy nuts, bouncing banana boobies, and jiggling ass shots downgrade the drummer's alleged foray into the celluloid fuck club from pay-per-view potential to promo files on free-porn sites. A Meg and Jack sex tape, however would be something worth paying for, if only because it would finally put to bed the idea that the two Stripes are brother and sister.