Starring Christopher Eccleston and Alexander Ludwig. Rated PG.

You're an idiot. At least, that's what David Cunningham thinks. The director of The Seeker: The Dark Is Rising has defended his changes to Susan Cooper's classic children's novel of mystery and magic by saying that contemporary audiences need the narrative punched up and modernized.

Apparently, it's not enough for a book to be beloved by millions of readers or be an intelligent, atmospheric, exciting story deeply steeped in English mythology, as well as the focal point of a five-book series.

No, according to Cunningham you want computer graphics and martial arts, and because you're such a goddamn moron, you need the main character to be older and Americanized. Will Stanton (Alexander Ludwig), the last of the Old Ones who guard the Light against the evil forces of the Dark, is now a transfer student, new to England, who shambles around with his iPod and goes to the mall.

It's funny that Walden Media allowed this, seeing that their other book-to-film properties (such as The Chronicles of Narnia, Holes, Bridge to Terabithia, and even How to Eat Fried Worms) have been handled with remarkable care and style.

Even the actors can't seem to stand this movie. As the villain The Rider (who, of course, is now riding a white horse), Christopher Eccleston wears a single sour expression that clearly conveys his frustration at having left Doctor Who for this monkey vomit.

Cunningham's movie is full of wooden line-readings, setups without payoffs, huge gaps in logic, and repetitive imagery, thus destroying the reputation of Susan Cooper's original and wasting your time and money. But he's done it out of the purest concern for you.