For better or for worse, it's beginning to sound a lot like Christmas.

Let's have a little sympathy for Jesus. After all, he sounds like a pretty righteous dude. He sure can do some neat-o tricks, like turning water into wine and raising the dead and all that. Not to mention how he dons that red suit and delivers toys to all the good little boys and girls of the world each Christmas Eve. So it's a pity that we celebrate his birthday every year by singing some truly wretched songs. That's not to say good Christmas music doesn't exist. It does, but you have to wade through an ocean of steaming reindeer crap to find it. Actually, scratch that you don't have to do anything, because we've taken it upon ourselves to sort out the tinsel from the trash. You can thank us later. (Handy hint: we like cash.) Here's how our rating system works: the good stuff gets a wrapped gift, the so-so stuff gets a pair of tighty-whiteys, and anything slugged with a Charlie Brown tree is guaranteed to make the baby Jesus cry.

Monster Ballads Xmas (Razor & Tie)

Skid Row? Winger? Firehouse? Good lord, this disc sounds like a Whalley bush party circa 1988, only with less testosterone and a lot more Aqua Net. I can say without a shred of exaggeration that being forced to listen to Queensrí¿che's painfully overwrought mauling of "White Christmas" is one of the lowest points of my journalistic career to date. Somewhere in hell, Bing Crosby is fashioning a noose from a string of Noma Flicker Flame lights.

> John Lucas

Frank Sinatra

A Jolly Christmas From Frank Sinatra (Capitol)

Sure the old greats had their faults, whether it was a perpetually blotto Dean Martin puking in the poinsettias or Bing Crosby never missing an opportunity to drive his Christmas-stocking-clad foot into the asses of his offspring. But goddamn it if they didn't know their way around the classics. In addition to more than living up to its title, A Jolly Christmas adds fuel to the Las Vegas folk tale that, if you looked closely, you could actually see undigested reindeer pieces and half-chewed mistletoe in Frank Sinatra's stool, not to mention chunks of Burl Ives.

> Mike Usinger

Canned Hamm and Friends

Sincerely Christmas (Pro-Am Entertainment International)

The inspired lunacy of Sincerely Christmas will probably not end up on most people's list of seasonal perennials, yet it should. Joined by friends Neil Hamburger, rapper Lil' Baby Jesus, the "Slavic Lover" Ivan Hrvatska, and Hamster Hamm (not so much a friend as a finger-wagging, chipmunk-voiced drag), Vancouver's Canned Hamm has delivered an album that, in its own odd way, is more sincere than anything out of the mainstream treacle machine. In the preface to Hamster Hamm's "Clean Up This Mess", Lil' Hamm (Robert Dayton) presents Big Hamm (Stephen Hamm) with "the gift of friendship", while Lil' Hamm is given the gift of appreciating what he already has. "With batteries!" he then adds. Gleefully idiotic, deliriously weird, and funnier than hell.

> Adrian Mack

Relient K

Let It Snow Baby”¦ Let It Reindeer (Capitol)

As much as I try not to like Relient K, the Ohio band's earnest blend of pop-punk, emo, and an unabashedly life-affirming Christian message always wins me over. This album's pumped-up versions of admittedly predictable fare like "Sleigh Ride", "Deck the Halls", and "Angels We Have Heard on High" boast infectious energy, and the more downbeat originals like "In Like a Lion (Always Winter)" and "I Celebrate the Day" are downright touching, in a Hallmark Christian Card Studio sort of way. Oh, and check out those stellar Beach Boys harmonies on the a cappella rendition of "Auld Lang Syne". Sweeter than a double-chocolate rum ball.

> John Lucas

Michael Buble

Let It Snow! (Reprise)

A live version of "Let It Snow, Let It Snow, Let It Snow" is the only difference between the 2003 original and this reissue of the Burnaby belter's Yuletide EP. Seems a little stingy, really, but Let It Snow! is better than the average seasonal phone-in. The lantern-jawed crooner even scores a surprisingly refined production job by David Foster on standards like "White Christmas" and "The Christmas Song". The only real bum note is Foster's own hopelessly sappy "Grown-Up Christmas List", and no, the word bum isn't there to remind everybody that Bublé's bare ass was all over the Internet two weeks ago. Who would ever stoop to something like that?

> Adrian Mack

Jon Secada

A Christmas Fiesta (Big 3)

Hilariously, "Let It Snow" starts with a Tony Montana sound-alike asking "Why don eet snow een Puerto Rico, mang?" It's a warning that the Latin-flavoured Christmas Fiesta seems made for sipping rum under a beach umbrella rather than warming your frozen chestnuts on an open fire. With tracks like "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer" sounding more Cinco de Mayo than December 25, this slicker-than-winter-ice outing is strictly for those who kick off the holidays in the first-class section of Air Flamenco.

> Mike Usinger

Various Artists

Slow Jams for Christmas (EMI)

Aaaaahhh, yeah. Right about now, we're gonna slow things way, waaaay down for all the lovers out there. If this soft-focus collection of holiday-themed love-me-down numbers by the likes of Luther Vandross, Marvin Gaye, the O'Jays, and Nancy Wilson doesn't help you get some tail on Christmas Eve, you might want to consider tying a sprig of mistletoe to your belt buckle.

> John Lucas

Carnie Wilson

Christmas With Carnie (Big 3)

My, how things change. Back in the pre-gastric-bypass-surgery days, a Christmas with Carnie meant having to hide the cranberry-brined turkey, not to mention the stuffing, Brussels sprouts, dinner rolls, and any part of the table setting that looked even remotely edible. The sickeningly syrupy but otherwise inoffensive Christmas With Carnie finds Brian Wilson's no-longer-plus-size little girl making a good case that, while she's sworn off pancakes, she's apparently still drinking Mrs. Butterworth's straight from the bottle.

> Mike Usinger

John McDermott

Sharing Christmas with John McDermott and Friends (Bunnygee)

Silver-haired crumpet John McDermott will keep Mom glued to the CD player, but Sharing Christmas is a little too polite, and definitely too fucking endless for the rest of the eggnog-soaked brood. Judging by this album, John McDermott needs fewer friends. Still, Ron Sexsmith's appearance with "Maybe This Christmas" is lovely, and there are some interesting curve balls like "Christmas in the Trenches" among "Silent Night" and "Ave Maria" (courtesy of the terrifying Giorgia Fumanti). With the DVD featuring a further two hours of sensibly presented entertainment, Dad should be well into his one-man drinking competition by the end, after which Guitar Hero III: Legends of Rock will end up in pieces, and at least one of the brats will sport a festive shiner.

> Adrian Mack

The Isley Brothers: Featuring Ronald Isley

I'll Be Home for Christmas (Def Soul Classics)

It seems odd that of the two remaining members of the Isley Brothers, singer Ronald gets the star treatment here, with guitarist Ernie relegated to the background. (The latter is credited on only two of the 10 tracks.) In any case, Ronald is in fine form, his soulful falsetto floating over sensitive arrangements that, thankfully, producers Jimmy Jam and Terry Lewis haven't modernized too much. My only real quibble (apart from the absence of Ernie's searing, Jimi Hendrix inspired licks) is that "I'm in Love" is not a fucking Christmas song by any stretch of the imagination. What's up with that?!

> John Lucas

Dave Koz

Memories of a Winter's Night (Capitol)

Smooth-jazz saxophonist Dave Koz is so laid-back he makes Perry Como sound like the second coming of Sid Vicious. Unless you're prepared to argue that few men on this planet are more bad-ass than Kenny G., the best way to describe the easy-listening, heavily narcotized atrocity that is Memories of a Winter's Night is to stick Grim at the front of the album's title.

> Mike Usinger

Jonathan Kane

The Little Drummer Boy (Radium)

I actually thought this one-track EP by Jonathan Kane (best known as the founding drummer of post-punk stalwarts Swans) was pretty intriguing, but I decided to give it the gonch for purely pragmatic reasons. As much as this 14-minute instrumental version of "The Little Drummer Boy" will please any Mogwai or Do Make Say Think fans gathered around your Christmas dinner table, its repetitive drones will probably provoke your cranky Uncle Ernie to kick the shit out of the stereo.

> John Lucas

Various Artists

Atlantic Standards Christmas (Rhino)

Blissfully unemployed, permanently stinko on Moosehead, and convinced that cod represents three of the four major food groups? Well, as sure as you don't want to walk into a crapper after Rita MacNeil, chances are you already own the salt-air-scented Atlantic Standards Christmas, which has Lennie Gallant, Great Big Sea, Aselin Debison, and the Barra MacNeils raiding the obscurities chest ("The Innkeeper" anyone?). All that's missing is Ashley MacIsaac performing "I've Got a Fresh Yule Log (For Your 16-Year-Old Mouth)".

> Mike Usinger

Larry the Cable Guy

Christmastime in Larryland (Warner Bros.)

I like lowbrow humour even more than the next guy (and that next guy is Mike Usinger), but this hate-mongering garbage fails to raise a single titter over 60 endless minutes of poop jokes, fart jokes, gay jokes, rape jokes, elf-titty jokes, and at least one timely nod to Ronald Reagan's battle with the air traffic controllers' union. Things wouldn't be nearly so bad if all those "Nutcracker" zingers weren't used to soften up Larry the Cable Guy's mush-brained fans for the ugly tirade he delivers in Christmastime in Larryland. "It's called Christmas, not Muhammadmas," he rants, in "A Santa's Q&A". Warner Bros. has belched up something even more toxic than your kid's lead-paint-covered Cars figurine.

> Adrian Mack

Colin James & the Little Big Band

Christmas (MapleMusic)

For a retro-themed Christmas bash, you could do a lot worse than this collection of oldies that's unerringly faithful to the sounds of '40s swing and '50s jump blues. James roasts the usual chestnuts, but to his credit, he has managed to dig up a few more obscure numbers (like "Shake Hands With Santa Claus" and the tiki-riffic "Christmas Island") to keep things interesting. Christmas makes a good soundtrack for quaffing one too many Laughing Santas and lindy-hopping the night away until the fat man himself pops down the chimney.

> John Lucas

Kick in the Eye

Midnight Sleigh Ride (Aftersound Recordings)

Everything about Midnight Sleigh Ride—from its home-burned CD to its photocopied cover and lyrics sheet—would seem to indicate that it was made more for friends and family than for public consumption. For that reason alone, I’m reluctant to get too Grinchy about it. On the other hand, it was sent in for review, so I guess I should report that the music and production are as amateur and slapdash as the packaging. It sounds like the work of the kind of people who plug in and make a pain in the ass of themselves when you’re trying to enjoy a rum-spiked eggnog at your office party, but at least they’re enjoying themselves. And isn’t that what Christmas is all about, Charlie Brown?

> John Lucas

Yo Yo Yo Kids

Yo, It's Christmas (Razor & Tie)

Warning to parents: if you purchase this album, your children will demand to listen to it, probably more than once. Trust me when I say that you want that about as much as you desire to have a sharpened candy cane thrust into your ear canal repeatedly for 35 minutes a pop. The only people who have any business rapping on Christmas are named Run and DMC, and they said all they had to say on the subject back in 1987.

> John Lucas

Various Artists

Oh Santa! (Yep Roc)

Convinced that Christmas is a massive capitalist conspiracy designed to ensure you start the new year wearing suspenders and a barrel? Well, then, you'll love "Lovely Christmas", a twangy thrasher that has cowpunk survivor Jason Ringenberg screeching "Christmas, Christmas I can see/Will ruin me financially." As for the rest of Oh Santa!, hell-raisers with at least a half-pound of cow shit in the treads of their rubber boots will dig the country-rawk originals from a cast that includes Chatham County Line, Reverend Horton Heat, the Moaners, and Th' Legendary Shack*Shakers. Screw the rum and eggnog this is whisky-drinking music for Christmas's inevitable Airing of Grievances.

> Mike Usinger

Juanita

The Gift (Independent)

Even though "Over the Rainbow" doesn't really belong on it, this charity-driven collection of traditional favourites from White Rock songstress Juanita is hard to fault. We could probably do without the HAL 9000 like voice intoning new-age bromides here and there, but the rest is fine, and the two originals "Sounds of Christmas" and "The Gift" prove there's more to Juanita than just her voice.

> Adrian Mack

Various Artists

Yule Be Rockin' (EMI)

Apparently this hodgepodge of selections by the likes of Kim Stockwood, Tom Cochrane, and the Band is someone's idea of a "rockin'" good time. I hope I never meet that person. It's not that the songs are bad, it's just that, well, none of them actually rock, and they seem to have been put together randomly by some suit at EMI who was assigned the thankless task of assembling a Christmas compilation guaranteed to offend no one. Also, Yule be disappointed that the front cover promises a Kate Bush song that isn't actually on the CD. What's up with that?!

> John Lucas

Various Artists

Country Christmas (Capitol)

Considering the endless list of new-country artists who deserve a vicious kick in the sugarplums (yes, Toby Keith and Keith Urban, we're talking to you), it's hard to whip up any great level of animosity for Country Christmas. Admittedly, the last thing the world needs to hear is Eddie Rabbitt, Kenny Rogers, and Ronnie Milsap twanging through Xmas standards like the '70s never ended. In their defence, though, such faded stars are nowhere near as sacrilegious as the way Garth Brooks fucking stunk up Shitkickerville with "Baby Jesus Is Born".

> Mike Usinger

Patti LaBelle

Miss Patti's Christmas

(Def Soul Classics)

Patti LaBelle has been making records for an almost unfathomable 45 years, and she's still in fine voice. Unfortunately, the soporific arrangements on Miss Patti's Christmas don't do her any favours. On the whole, the album is downright boring. Things pick up considerably with "Jesus, Oh What a Wonderful Child", a brass-augmented gospel outing featuring spirited backing vocals by the Soul Seekers. By that point, however, you'll probably be curled up fast asleep under the Christmas tree in an eggnog-induced coma.

> John Lucas

Josh Groban

Noí«l (Reprise)

It takes a whole minute and 30 seconds to get to the first sphincter-tightening appearance of a children's choir on this abomination, yet another bid by producer David Foster to destroy everything that's beautiful in the world. Helping Foster to obliterate what's left of the Christmas spirit this time around are the London Symphony Orchestra, Faith Hill, and finally, bringing the Canuck expat's incomparably tawdry career to a new low, the U.S. army. The dead-eyed Groban warbles alongside messages recorded by overseas U.S. troops in "I'll Be Home for Christmas" (will they be getting royalties?), while Foster pours on the schmaltz. Groban's voice is really something considering its semivegetative source, but nothing could survive the astoundingly tacky button-pushing that makes Noí«l indiscernible from a cheap box of liqueur-filled chocolates.

> Adrian Mack

Various artists

Christmas Around the World (Putumayo)

Based on Christmas Around the World, one might conclude that there are only a handful of countries where folks stuff themselves full of rum balls, gingerbread cookies, and orange-brined turkey. And no, Turkey isn't one of them. Four of the 12 tracks here come from the United States, and another three are from Cuba. Compensating for what sounds like the itinerary for the worst Amazing Race since the family edition is that the world music here is mostly impeccable. No matter how much you might be opposed to the idea of Santa wearing Bermuda shorts, Puerto Rico's Pepe Castillo will get you reaching for the pine-scented tanning butter with "Aguinaldo Jibaro".

> Mike Usinger

Kidz Bop

The Coolest Christmas Ever! (Razor & Tie)

Snot-nosed prepubescent Dicks and Janes provide Auto-Tuned vocals, while faceless hired hacks crank out crap karaoke renditions of shopping-mall favourites. Warning: if you are over the age of six, this artistically worthless atrocity will make you want to kick the living shit out of the Christmas tree after two songs.

> Mike Usinger

Various Artists

A Very Vancouver Christmas Vol. II (Independent)

Here's a pleasing set of left-field holiday tunes from some strong local talent. There's slick R&B from Larissa Garth, the splendid folk pop of Tony Marriott's "A Squeegee Christmas", and a slyly heart-rending duet from Marq DeSouza and Nenah Barkley called "Let's Be Honest With Each Other for Once (This Christmastime)". Most of the other 10 tracks are no less impressive, and proceeds go to the Lower Mainland Christmas Bureau and the BCSPCA. Aside from those who have the misfortune of being made out of mouthwateringly delicious turkey or ham, everybody wins.

> Adrian Mack

Various Artists

Christmas in Canada (EMI)

If you're convinced that Canada is a hopelessly middle-of-the-road nation, this collection of aural Ambien by the likes of Anne Murray, John McDermott, and Rita MacNeil won't change your mind. On the other hand, everyone needs at least one blandly inoffensive Christmas disc to throw on when wrinkled relatives pop by, and this should fit the bill better than, say, any disc with the Vandals' "Hang Myself From the Tree" on it.

> John Lucas

Various Artists

Alternative Rock Xmas (Capitol)

Talk about trotting out the stars of yesteryear; you'll have to head to the Springfield Retirement Castle to find anyone who gives an elf's fart about the Alarm or the Smithereens. Still, both the old-timers and the young bucks (Relient K, the Decemberists) sound up for a 2 a.m. sleigh ride here. Extra mandarins go to the Dandy Warhols for coming across as stoned on sugarplum dust during "Little Drummer Boy" and Pope-basher Sinéad O'Connor, who manages to get through "Silent Night" without once sounding like she's itching to rip up a picture of the blessed baby Jesus.

> Mike Usinger

The Staple Singers

The 25th Day of December (Riverside)

Originally issued when John F. Kennedy was spending his days promising to put a man on the moon and his nights banging Marilyn Monroe, The 25th Day of December has only improved with age over the past 45 years. Just as amazing as the old-school gospel-soul readings of "Silent Night" and "O Little Town of Bethlehem" is the way the smashingly retro Staple Singers seem to mean every heartfelt word in "Joy to the World".

> Mike Usinger

Mannheim Steamroller

Christmas Song (American Gramophone)

Chip Davis, the brains behind Mannheim Steamroller, has made a pretty good living putting out Christmas albums. Christmas Song is his eighth such effort, and it has already gone platinum. Nothing I say is likely to hurt Davis's sales, but his music is suffocatingly sweet, and listening to it feels like being force-fed Jet-Puffed Holiday Mallows. He overloads every grossly overproduced song with syrupy keyboards and strings until everything sounds characterless and synthetic. Apparently a lot of people enjoy that sort of thing, and they're welcome to it. I'll stick with the marshmallows.

> John Lucas

Various artists

The Christmas Spirit (Decca)

The subtitle The World's Favourite Hymns and Carols is your first tip-off that you won't find Fear's "Fuck Christmas" on this double-disc set. Instead, heavy hitters like Luciano Pavarotti, Leontyne Price, and Kathleen Ferrier clock in with 37 classy classical classics. Reach for The Christmas Spirit after a hard day of battling your fellow man at the mall ­ along with, of course, the Bacardi 151 and a quart of Avalon Dairy eggnog. Drink steadily enough and, halfway through the album, you'll almost forget that the holidays are a living fucking hell.

> Mike Usinger