The best, the worst, and the downright strange of 2007

    1 of 1 2 of 1

      Maybe we should consider 2007 as the year of crazy explanations. Or using your kids as props.

      Who can forget former prime minister Brian Mulroney's tales to a Commons committee about his dealings with Karlheinz Schreiber? There was nothing improper, he said, about collecting $225,000 in cash in hotel rooms from a greasy German arms merchant. It was consulting work, Mulroney assured us. Canadians shouldn't be alarmed about envelopes of cash being stuffed in the family safe. Of course, there weren't any receipts. Taxes weren't paid for six years, but it was all aboveboard, we were told. Canadian politicians are not corrupt.

      Mulroney might as well have said: "See, my family's sitting behind me in the Commons committee room. I must be honest because I spawned young adults in suits. Hey, Ben's a true Canadian idol. I am not a crook."

      Then there was former publishing tycoon and convicted felon Conrad Black. Like Mulroney, he also relied on his family to boost his image. Daughter Alana and wife Barbara, the queen of mean, dutifully appeared at his side for every court appearance, dressed modestly for the jury. Babs has never looked so dowdy in her life. Conrad's lawyers assured the jury that he had no criminal intent when he removed boxes of documents from his Toronto office in violation of a court order. Conrad is not a crook.

      Then there was the sight of Black's business partner David Radler, who relied on his daughters for character references. Gee, dad is really broken up about ripping off his shareholders. Honestly. It was all a mistake. He's a religious man. Dad's not a crook.

      At least Vision Vancouver city councillor Tim Stevenson had the guts to appear alone when he confessed to drunk driving 14 months after he was caught pissed behind the wheel in the West End. But Stevenson couldn't avoid crazy explanations. "I'm under stress”¦I thought it would go away”¦I didn't see any need to tell the voters when it happened”¦I'm like Gordon Campbell." Nice try, Tim. You're not a crook.

      The most monstrous offender by far, Robert Pickton, didn't trouble us with crazy explanations. He's been put away for life, and let's hope we never see another one like him again in our city.

      The bureaucrats, on the other hand, took their sweet time offering crazy explanations. The Canada Border Services Agency refused comment for weeks after Robert Dziekanski died at the airport after the cops Tasered first and punched later. The CEO of the airport authority, Larry Berg, also clammed up for weeks before delivering some bromides to CBC Radio. They were along the lines of: "Don't worry. Be happy. A million people have gone through that airport without being killed. It was an isolated incident."

      RCMP head honcho William Elliott also laid low, hoping the Dziekanski execution would blow over. Someone should tell Elliott that when there's a videotape of a guy getting killed after surrendering, it has the potential to undermine public trust. Especially when it happens in about 24 seconds in a city that will soon host the Olympics.

      Former RCMP superintendent Jamie Graham couldn't resist the temptation to wade into the media fray and offer his own crazy explanation. Videotapes don't tell the whole story, according to our fearless former chief. Experienced police officers can pick up cues from a person's facial expressions or their hand gestures, he said. Yeah, right, Jamie. And the police manual says that when a man who can't speak English puts his hands above his head, it's time to fill him with 50,000 volts. Twice. And after he's on the ground, writhing in pain, place your knee on his neck and strike repeatedly.

      Olympic supremo John Furlong offered the craziest explanation of all. He suggested that the Dziekanski death could actually help Vancouver's reputation as an Olympic city. This is the same guy who had to explain away those mascots. Come to think of it, Furlong is getting pretty good at offering crazy explanations.

      There were also some crazy explanations in the sports world. We were initially assured that Michael Vick is not some sick weirdo who only kills dogs; he also gives money to charity. Or our favourite: other NFLers like dog fighting, too. Or how about those steroid scandals in baseball? We all knew that Roger Clemens can be a jerk. But until the George Mitchell report came out late this year, it didn't cross sportswriters' minds that Clemens might also have been suffering a bit of 'roid rage over the years. His agent issued some crazy explanations.

      Maybe we should give the weasels in sports some credit for not staging televised appearances with their kids, unlike the weasels in business. And we can still take comfort in our authentic Canadian idol, Steve Nash. Someone that skinny and that intelligent can't possibly be taking performance-enhancing drugs.

      Nash and other inspirational figures–such as Al Gore and those local young folks who cycled to Mexico to raise awareness about microcredit in the developing world–demonstrated that 2007 wasn't all about crooks and cops and steroids, notwithstanding the regularity of the gangland murders in Vancouver.

      Then there was the Canuck buck. It was also on steroids, or so it seemed. It crossed US$1.10 momentarily, causing some local forestry executives and retailers to reach for sedatives to ease the stress. Then there was the media frenzy about Carole Taylor's impending departure as finance minister.

      Will she or won't she run for mayor? What does this mean for Mayor Sam Sullivan, the determined little bugger in the wheelchair who currently occupies the top office? Do NDP MLA Gregor Robertson or city councillors Raymond Louie or David Cadman have the right stuff to run the city during the Olympics? Will councillor Peter Ladner become the local Brutus and finish off his leader by running himself or by throwing his support behind Taylor? And what about Jim Green and James "Don't call me Jim" Green, two men with the same name who can barely stand to be in the same room with one another?

      Never before have so many potential mayoral contenders emerged so far in advance of a civic election. It's a sign that not everyone was impressed by Sullivan's blasé response to a 12-week civic workers' strike, closed community centres, and piles of rotting garbage in the summer heat.

      Oh well, at least Sam saved the taxpayers a few dollars, even if he didn't lift a finger to help Cambie Street merchants coping with the obliteration of their livelihoods. And Sam still speaks better Cantonese and Punjabi than the rest of the candidates–a fact often overlooked by local newspaper columnists eager to write his political obituary.

      With such a crowded field of candidates, we can look forward to many, many more crazy explanations next year to justify the politicians' raw ambition. Here's one suggestion for all those wannabe mayors: "I'm running to help the children."

      Thanks to Tasers and Pickton, this won't go down as the best year in Vancouver's history, but there's always hope for better times. In light of the real-estate debacle south of the border, local housing prices might actually start falling in 2008, which will give young people reason to be optimistic about the city's future.

      The Georgia Straight has an annual tradition of publishing some of the craziest quotes and bizarre news stories of the previous year. They start below. We hope you enjoy the holidays and avoid getting caught doing anything that requires you to supply a crazy explanation that nobody will end up believing.

      Animals

      Hey, this tastes like chicken!

      "I am not sure how long this affair would last, because the baboon may finally realize this is food."–Lithuanian zookeeper Edvardas Legeckas, commenting on the liking one of his primates had taken to a chicken, which was originally intended as food for the zoo's other animals

      Revenge on the birds

      After a night of heavy drinking, Timothy McKevitt and Jonathon Porter wandered onto an ostrich ranch near San Francisco. One of the animals kicked the two men, who later returned with a rifle and shotgun and killed it.

      A nose for evil

      A two-metre long shark was found 200 kilometres inland, swimming in the Tigris River in southern Iraq. Locals blamed the U.S. military for the shark's presence.

      Hopping to it

      "Right now, we're just doing salvage. We're trying to get as many toadlets over to the other side as we can."–Kate Paul, environmental technician for the B.C. Ministry of Transportation, on how the government was dealing with a massive migration of juvenile western toads across the Inland Island Highway on Vancouver Island. Paul estimated that the ministry helped escort more than a million toads safely across the road

      Cute captives

      A pair of otters at the Vancouver Aquarium became Internet sensations, getting 1.5 million YouTube hits in two weeks.

      Around the world

      Language of diplomacy

      "Why don't you shut up?"–Juan Carlos, the king of Spain, to Venezuelan president Hugo Chavez, at the Ibero-American summit in Santiago, Chile. The king's uncouth remark came after Chavez called former Spanish prime minister Jose Maria Aznar a "fascist" and interrupted current Spanish PM Jose Luis Rodriguez Zapatero's calls for Chavez to be more diplomatic

      Implausible deniability

      While shaking hands in Fushe Kruje, Albania, U.S. President George W. Bush had his wristwatch stolen by a member of a cheering crowd. Despite YouTube footage and many photos capturing the theft, the White House denied that the watch was stolen.

      Loud 'n' proud

      "We would like to remind our American tourist friends that you are almost certainly talking too loudly."–An official announcer for Transport for London, speaking over a loudspeaker in the city's subway system. The employee was subsequently fired.

      Booty call

      Couples living in a central Russian province were urged by their governor to skip work and make babies. The announcement, aimed at boosting Russia's low birthrate, included a contest that would make those couples who had a baby exactly nine months later eligible for a prize.

      Put in for overtime

      A letter sent to authorities in Belgium's northern district and subsequently published in a Belgium newspaper ordered police officers to stop visiting brothels and drinking in bars when on duty.

      Dykes to watch out for

      "We are concerned that one day her girl will bring grenades or poisonous drugs to our house and we will all die."–Cambodian prime minister Hun Sen, on his now-disowned adoptive daughter's new girlfriend. The prime minister's daughter returned from schooling in the U.S. a lesbian, divorced her husband, and hooked up with her new partner.

      Amen

      "I think that's long enough for me, but more, especially, for the country."–Former U.K. prime minister Tony Blair, reflecting on his 10 years in office during his resignation announcement

      Auto-potty

      From a culture renowned for its work ethic comes a product aimed at the consumer on the go, literally. Japan's Kaneko Sangyo Co. developed a portable toilet–cardboard with waterproof liner bags–for use in cars. The device even comes with a curtain for privacy and still manages to be small enough to fit into a briefcase.

      iSpy ® with my little eye

      "Google Earth could give you a better snapshot of what the site looks like on the ground."–Louis Berger Group spokesperson Jeffrey Willis, responding to criticism that its subsidiary, Berger Devine Yaeger, had posted on its Web page detailed plans for the U.S. embassy being built in Baghdad

      Latter-day slave ships

      "When the plane took off and the captain announced we were headed for Baghdad, all you-know-what broke loose."–American civilian contractor Rory Mayberry, speaking to a U.S. congressional committee of the scene aboard a flight to Iraq carrying 51 Filipino construction workers. The men had earlier been told they were being taken to Dubai to build hotels

      Polar dare

      "Look, this isn't the 15th century. You can't go around the world and just plant flags and say, 'We're claiming this territory.'"–Minister of Foreign Affairs Peter MacKay, reacting to a Russian submarine placing its country's flag on the sea floor at the North Pole in an attempt to exert Russian sovereignty over the area

      Art, media, culture

      Peter deniers overcome

      An "anatomically correct" chocolate sculpture of a naked Jesus Christ was finally displayed in a New York City museum, seven months after an outcry from Roman Catholics saw the exhibition shelved.

      Show me the funny!

      "When I watch it, I just think: 'I can't believe they let us make this!'" –Filmmaker Seth Rogen, on the summer box-office hit Superbad. This past year saw the former Vancouver resident rise to superstardom, cashing in with Knocked Up and Superbad.

      An offer he can refuse

      "Their offer is ridiculous."–Casino mogul Steve Wynn, referring to the counteroffer that insurer Lloyd's of London made to his $54-million claim on his Picasso painting, La Reve, after he accidentally poked a hole in it with his elbow

      Peevish peacenik

      "I have done more for world peace to promote liberty and freedom than Al Gore has."–U.S. ultraconservative radio-show host Rush Limbaugh, upon hearing that Al Gore had won the Nobel Peace Prize

      Reduce, reuse, recycle

      11 years after "Wannabe" took the Spice Girls to the top of the pop charts, the girl group kicked off a reunion world tour at Vancouver's GM Place.

      See above

      "As a singer, I wish I could be better, of course, but I don't even know if that really matters anymore."–London singer-rapper Maya "M.I.A." Arulprag ­asam, on pushing herself as a vocalist

      Cure for ubiquity

      "The fact is, the food in the dining room is no longer Rob Feenie."–2005 Iron Chef America winner Rob Feenie, claiming that he was forced out of his involvement in Vancouver restaurants Lumiere and Feenie's by his business partners and majority owners

      Creeping censorship

      The Vancouver Art Gallery was forced to remove insects and reptiles from a major exhibition by Chinese artist Huang Yong Ping. One installation from Ping's Theatre of the World included live toads, scorpions, snakes, crickets, and other creatures. The artist had worked with the SPCA to ensure the creatures were not harmed, but the Vancouver Humane Society insisted on further changes that Ping decided could not be met.

      British Columbia

      Smelling a skunk

      "'We're sailing' means something different out here."–From a Victoria Times-Colonist column on a B.C Transportation Safety Board report, which claimed that there was strong evidence of cannabis use by the Queen of the North ferry crew, which sank in March 2006

      Finally, an honest ex-politician

      "I'm not an environmentalist. I'm a politician."–Then-interim leader of the B.C. Green party, Christopher Ian Bennett

      Finally, an ex-dishonest environmentalist

      "Some, like our premier, are making commitments to begin to reduce in a serious way our greenhouse-gas emissions."–Broadcaster and environmentalist David Suzuki, on B.C. premier Gordon Campbell. Campbell's government has been routinely condemned by environmentalists, and Suzuki later told the Straight: "I thought, 'Well, shit, if I get up and slang him now, the chances are that he will pull out of that,'" referring to a meeting with Campbell scheduled for the following week

      But bus riders can piss off

      B.C.'s newest licence plate reads: "The Best Place on Earth". Billed as a promotional tool for the 2010 Winter Olympics, the new plate was designed for "all B.C. residents and Canadians to feel ownership of the Games", according to VANOC chief executive officer John Furlong.

      Alternative fools

      Meeting in Vancouver, Premier Gordon Campbell and California governor Arnold Schwarzenegger signed a memorandum of understanding on the environment. Included was a commitment to build a "hydrogen highway", which would include the construction of hydrogen filling stations from B.C. to California by 2010.

      Lord, I was born a gaming man

      "He wears many hats. He's not only the enforcer, but he's the pusher man selling a bad brand on the streets."–NDP MLA Guy Gentner (Delta North), in the B.C. legislative assembly, on Minister of Public Safety and Solicitor General John Les's role and responsibilities in the Crown-owned B.C. Lottery Corporation's scandal

      But will it fly in Surrey?

      "This is one of the most important advancements in the fight against the oppression of animals."–Vancouver activist Lesley Fox, expressing her excitement for Social Justice 12, a new course offered at some high schools in the province that includes speciesism, a term used by animal activists to describe the exploitation of animals by humans who consider themselves superior

      Do you swear”¦

      "He'd have had to have been out of his fuckin' mind to store it in his own locker, all right?'"–B.C. Justice Peter Leask losing patience with federal prosecutor Ernie Froess, who was assessing the legal responsibility for a large amount of cocaine found in the locker of a Hells Angel charged with trafficking. Leask later acquitted the biker

      Business

      After-the-fact job losses

      "Generally, efficiency and profitability mean a number of things. Usually, you see job losses because usually once two companies or several companies come together, there are redundancies. Or what are termed to be redundancies. So you see restructuring, and you see layoffs and job losses."–UBC law professor Joel Bakan commenting on CTVglobemedia's proposed takeover of CHUM

      Before-the-fact job losses

      "The day they announced the merger, they fired 300 people out of the newsrooms across the country."–Former NDP communications critic Charlie Angus on how CHUM prepared itself for the CTVglobemedia takeover

      Strokers to brokers

      Amsterdam's infamous Red Light district could soon be shuttering its famous windows. A housing company stated it is set to buy 18 premises in the area, which together comprise about one-third of the 700-year-old district.

      Vancouver's guest workers

      "I think this notion that every city is Albania–has to be self-sufficient in housing–is foolish. The labour market crosses boundaries."–Sauder School of Business prof Tsur Somerville dismissing public concerns that Vancouver's high real-estate prices are making it difficult for workers to live in the city

      Ho-hum

      "Thanks for bringing it to our attention."–U.S. air force spokesman Ralph Monson, alerted by Reuters that a Defense Department contract with Boeing was listed in a media release to be worth $24 billion. The contract was actually worth $24 million

      Took his ball and went home

      "You're waiting for two parties to agree so you can carry on with your livelihood. It's really unfortunate. I feel like I'm being blackmailed by both sides."–Vancouver developer Bill Eden, who later pulled the plug on two large projects worth almost $100 million because of delays in obtaining permits during the summer civic workers strike

      Nowhere to hide

      "One weekend, I was at the Gandy Dancer. Monday morning, I looked out and there was three kids that had been in the Gandy. They just worked me over something wicked."–Vancouver gay and lesbian bookstore owner Jim Deva explaining why he quit teaching

      Profit without honour

      A lock from the head of socialist revolutionary Ernesto "Che" Guevara was sold at auction for $119,500 in Dallas, Texas. The hair had been the possession of former CIA operative Gustavo Villoldo, who helped hunt down Guevera in the jungles of Bolivia in 1967.

      No such thing as bad publicity

      Retirement Concepts was awarded an Ernst and Young entrepreneur-of-the-year award for products and services on October 9, five days after the NDP called for an independent investigation into the care that B.C. seniors were receiving at Retirement Concept facilities.

      Canada

      Um, more or less

      "It's going to take 10 years or so." –Chief of Defence Staff Gen. Rick Hillier, on how long it will take for the Afghan army to take charge of the country's security. Eight days earlier, Prime Minister Stephen Harper had stated that the training of the Afghan army and police "should be achievable by 2011"

      Justice must seem to be done

      "Judges view this kind of legislation as a slap in the face."–Retired Quebec judge John Gomery, responding to a Conservative government plan for mandatory minimum jail terms for drug crimes. Gomery argued that such legislation "shows a mistrust of the judiciary" to impose appropriate sentences

      New is the new old

      "Perhaps we could hold a contest as to what it is."–Federal NDP Leader Jack Layton, arguing that it is time that Harper's regime, self-titled "Canada's New Government", be renamed

      Me, I scrape them off my plate

      "A guy like Chrétien don't like separatists very much, whoever they are."–Former-prime minister Jean Chrétien, on China's policy toward Tibet and the Dalai Lama

      The most trusted names in embedding

      "They have special needs that are different from yours."–Military spokesperson Capt. Sylvain Chalifour, explaining to Canadian journalists in Afghanistan why Radio-Canada's Bernard Derome and CBC's Peter Mansbridge receive special treatment from the Canadian Armed Forces

      Don't ask; don't yell

      "Defence took the file and messed it up."–A Canadian senior foreign-service officer, quoted in the Globe and Mail, on Chief of Defence Staff Gen. Rick Hillier's detainee-transfer deal in Afghanistan, which was made without consulting the Department of Foreign Affairs, it is alleged. The deal became controversial when it was revealed that Canada would not be able to follow up on the treatment of detainees after they were transferred to Afghan authorities

      Minority retort

      "I've heard it's nothing. A couple of hundred? It's sad."–Prime Minister Stephen Harper, asked if he had seen demonstrations outside the North American leaders summit in Montebello, Quebec

      When Irish eyes are lyin'”¦

      A Globe and Mail poll, with more than 28,000 votes cast, saw 84 percent of respondents say they found Karlheinz Schreiber's testimony before the Commons ethics committee more credible than that of former prime minister Brian Mulroney's.

      Celebrities

      Yo, ho, blow the man down

      "I snorted my father. He was cremated and I couldn't resist grinding him up with a little bit of blow."–Rolling Stones' guitarist Keith Richards, when asked what was the strangest thing he had ever put up his nose. His manager later denied the story, claiming that it was a joke

      The man has crystal balls

      For the Straight's 2004 wrap-up, long-time contributor and high-tech columnist Dave Watson wrote: "Now, in the year of the 30th anniversary of People magazine, all we get are scandals, all the time. Just wait until Britney Spears really starts to get desperate for attention." 2007 saw Britney get her head shaved, fail numerous drug tests, lose her husband, lose her children, and have her vagina rise to a level of superstardom the rest of her body can now only dream of. Please, Britney, stop. And that goes for your sister, too.

      Vive la difference!

      After Paris Hilton was caught driving with a suspended licence, she spoke to Barbara Walters in a telephone interview from a Los Angeles County jail, claiming that she had found God: "I feel as if I'm a different person," she said. "I used to act dumb."

      Sex and violence

      Rap star Akon was caught on camera this year abusing both male and female fans. During a concert in Trinidad, Akon invited a girl on-stage and used her to simulate a sexual act, only to later discover she was a minor and a minister's daughter. Then, at a show in Fishkill, New York, Akon allegedly tossed a teen boy off the stage. Akon has pleaded not guilty to the latter incident and will appear in court on January 16.play video

      Just violence

      One-upping Akon on the violence front, rapper T.I. was arrested on federal gun charges when his bodyguard turned him in for attempting to purchase three machine guns and two silencers. (T.I. was previously convicted on felony charges in 1998.) Upon searching T.I.'s home and car, police found nine more firearms.

      Just sex

      "We went into the toilet and locked the door and off came much of our clothes."–Qantas flight attendant Lisa Robertson, on her five-mile-high romp with actor Ralph Fiennes, who was on the flight for a trip to Mumbai, India, where he was acting as an ambassador for safe sex. Robertson claimed they did not use a condom.

      Crime

      YouBoob

      A teenager was arrested in Scotland after posting a video on YouTube that showed him driving at speeds greater than 220 kilometres per hour. "It is unacceptable, and to post a recording of such driving on the Internet is entirely stupid," said police Sgt. Scott McLachlan.

      Manana, sheriff Rosco

      Three handcuffed Mexican youths, detained on suspicion of drug-smuggling, stole a U.S. border patrol car and drove it back to Mexico.

      In 78 months”¦

      "I'll be back."–Former Canadian citizen and media tycoon Conrad Black, who was convicted in July of the misappropriation of millions of dollars while running the Hollinger International newspaper group and sentenced in December to six-and-a-half years

      The dark side of live cable access

      A German man was charred beyond recognition when he tried to steal a live copper cable. Upon touching the wiring, 10,000 volts hit the man so hard that his hands became separated from the rest of his body, which was blackened to a crisp.

      Staggering error

      An Austrian man had his driver's licence revoked when he accidentally called the wrong number. Too drunk to change his own tire, the motorist tried to call a breakdown service but instead dialled police.

      We don't need no stinking badges

      "That is United States law."–Alun Jones QC, representing the U.S. government, replying to U.K. court of appeals judge Lord Justice Moses, who asked for clarification on whether U.S. authorities actually considered it legal to kidnap people in a foreign country and take them back to the U.S. to face charges

      Self-fulfilling prophecy

      "Seriously, you think we got a bait car? Wouldn't it be crazy if they, like, fuckin' threw it up on baitcar.com? We can look at ourselves getting pinched."–One suspected car thief to another in a video posted on the B.C. Integrated Municipal Provincial Auto Crime Team's Web site, www.baitcar.com/. Alongside the video ran the caption: "Welcome, boys. You made it. We hope you enjoy your arrest video" play video

      Religion

      No teddy bears' picnic

      A British schoolteacher working in Sudan was charged with insulting religion and inciting hatred when she allowed her Grade 2 pupils to name a teddy bear Mohammed. The name was chosen by the seven-year-old children because the boy who brought in the toy was named Mohammad. Charges were laid after parents complained, and the 54-year-old woman faced a fine, six months in jail, or up to 40 lashes but was pardoned after spending one week in jail.

      Ritual takeoff

      In Nepal, a state-run airline sacrificed two goats in front of a Boeing 757 aircraft following technical problems. The animals were killed to appease Bhairab, the Hindu sky god. After the sacrifice, Raju K.C., a senior airline official, announced "The snag in the plane has now been fixed and the aircraft has resumed its flights," without explaining what the problem was.

      Why, it seems like only yesterday”¦

      "We're placing this one in the hall that explains the post-Flood world, when dinosaurs lived with man."–Mark Looy, vice president and guide at Answers in Genesis-USA's biblical creation museum in Frankfort, Kentucky, describing an exhibit to reporters

      And God smote it on the opening weekend, and it was very good

      Roman Catholic groups in North America called for a boycott of The Golden Compass, a children's movie based on the book by British author Philip Pullman. Bill Donohoe, president of the Catholic League in the United States, described the film as anti-Christian and alleged it promoted "atheism for kids".

      Global dumbing

      "Condoms don't belong in school, and neither does Al Gore."–Frosty Hardison, one of seven parents who complained to a Washington-state school board over the showing of Al Gore's An Inconvenient Truth at their children's school. Complaining about the film, Hardison said, "The Bible says that in the end times, everything will burn up, but that perspective isn't in the DVD."

      Hello? Camel? Eye of a needle?

      UBC psychologist Ara Norenzayan found evidence that professed religious belief seldom translates into superior morals. In two studies published in Psychological Science, Norenzayan detailed the results of the so-called dictator game, wherein 10 $1 coins are offered to a person with the option of sharing as many or as few as they want with another person, who does not know that the coins are available to them. Most "dictators" played selfishly, regardless of their religious beliefs.

      Zero-gravity obligations

      The Malaysian government assembled 150 Islamic clerics and scientists to produce a booklet, Guidelines for Performing Islamic Rites at the International Space Station, for the country's first astronaut, Sheikh Muszaphar Shukor, who would be on the station during the religious observance of Ramadan. The scholars directed Shukor to align his prayer times with those at his point of departure, to pray toward Earth if the direction of Mecca could not be determined, and to gesture with his eyelids for each praying motion if a bow could not be made.

      Science, medicine, technology

      Scar of goner

      A Venezuelan man whom authorities thought dead woke up during his autopsy to tell doctors that he was still alive. Carlos Camejo, 33, had suffered trauma in a car accident, was declared dead, and became conscious while undergoing an incision to the face.

      Sort of like Carole Taylor

      "They look like girls but act and think like boys."–Utah researcher Jamie White, announcing that his team of scientists had altered a gene in the brain of female worms, changing their sexual orientation

      Uncle Guidooo, makin' copieees”¦

      After more than two decades behind bars without the right to conjugal visits, an Italian mobster was able to father a daughter through artificial insemination.

      Impeccable credentials

      "The good thing about doing a study on procrastination is that if you put work off for a day or more you can always call it field research and get away with it."–University of Calgary professor Piers Steel, who, after 10 years of research, finally had his findings published

      How to S.W.A.T. a fly

      The Los Angeles sheriff's department began experimenting with unmanned aerial vehicles, hoping to revolutionize police surveillance operations. The tiny aircraft–commonly known as drones–have been used in war zones for some time but never for domestic operations.

      From the "Well, duh!" department

      In an experiment aimed at determining why things tangle, University of California professor Doug Smith spun a box with string in it for 10 seconds–and repeated the trial 3,415 times. He published his findings in Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences under the title "Spontaneous knotting of an agitated string: the longer a string, the greater the probability of a knot".

      Discovery dropped right into their laps

      Through copious research, University of New Mexico professor Geoffrey Miller and undergraduate researcher Brent Jordan concluded that ovulating strippers will earn significantly more than those menstruating. Those on the pill–who, typically, don't ovulate–will earn significantly less than naturally cycling women. The researchers–who based their conclusions on information from the equivalent of more than 5,300 lap dances–say this is economic proof that humans undergo, contrary to accepted scientific wisdom, a period of estrus, or "heat".

      USA

      Code blue

      Homeland Security Secretary Michael Chertoff told the Chicago Tribune editorial board that he had a "gut feeling" about an increased terrorist risk for the summer. He was wrong.

      Running down to the corner fortress

      Senator and Republican presidential hopeful John McCain claimed in a news conference that some areas in Baghdad are safe enough to "walk around freely" and that he "just came from one". Later, reports surfaced that McCain's market stroll saw him accompanied by 10 armoured Humvees, 100 soldiers, three Blackhawk helicopters, and two Apache gunships.

      Neither fish nor fowl, sort of

      "The vice presidency is a unique office that is neither a part of the executive branch nor a part of the legislative branch."–Submitted to a government directory from Vice President Dick Cheney's office in lieu of a list of employees. The idea was that Cheney's office was exempt from the rules governing either branch of the government. Cheney later responded to confusion about the entry in an interview with CNN's Larry King, explaining, "The vice president is sort of a weird duck."

      With a capital C

      "I was going to have a few comments on the other Democratic presidential candidate, John Edwards, but it turns out that you have to go into rehab if you use the word faggot."–Conservative commentator Ann Coulter, addressing the Conservative Political Action Conference in Washington, D.C. The remark was met with laughter and applause. Responding to criticism later, Coulter e-mailed the New York Times: "I would never insult gays by suggesting that they are like John Edwards. That would be mean"

      More torture, all the time

      "Some people have said we ought to close Guantanamo. My view is we ought to double Guantanamo."–Presidential hopeful Mitt Romney, responding in a debate to a question about interrogation methods for terrorist suspects

      Finger bang

      "Colloquially, he was flipping the bird, your honor."–Massachusetts assistant attorney general John Grossman to Judge Paul K. Leary, when asked to describe what animated figures on light boards placed around Boston were doing. The light boards, very similar to the children's toy Lite-Brite, were part of a guerrilla ad campaign promoting the late-night cartoon Aqua Teen Hunger Force. When they appeared around Boston, authorities shut down bridges and a stretch of the Charles River and dispatched bomb squads to defuse the shiny objects, thinking they were part of a terrorist attack.

      With malice aforethought

      "If you take down the central government in Iraq, you could easily end up seeing pieces of Iraq fly off”¦.It's a quagmire if you go that far and try to take over Iraq."–U.S. vice president Dick Cheney, in 1994 video footage that surfaced in August, when asked if U.S. forces should have invaded Baghdad during the first Gulf War

      Keep on movin' on

      "Karl Rove is moving on down the road."–President George W. Bush, announcing the resignation of his 14-year political partner and primary presidential strategist

      Postmortem potshot

      "It makes me very irritated when Reagan's people pound their chests and say that because we had this big military buildup, the Kremlin collapsed."–Former U.S. president Gerald Ford, in an interview with his hometown newspaper under the condition the comment not be released until after his death. Ford died on December 26, 2006.

      An ugly growth

      "It grows seemingly without control or limitation."–American Civil Liberties Union senior legislative counsel Tim Sparapani, criticizing the FBI for allowing its terrorist watch list to grow to 509,000 names.

      Current affairs

      "Don't Tase me, bro."–University of Florida student Andrew Meyer, seconds before being Tasered by Florida police for refusing to leave a lecture hall in which Sen. John Kerry was speaking. play video

      Vancouver

      Contrastinople

      A report published by the United Nations Population Fund described Vancouver as "trouble in paradise", referring to the city's consistent ranking as one of the world's most livable cities while the Downtown Eastside remains in crisis.

      Spin cycle

      "There is no hiding the fact that the public's awareness of this incident is extraordinarily high. I think that will have a positive influence on all of the parties that are trying to create an extraordinarily welcoming atmosphere."–Vancouver Organizing Committee CEO John Furlong, casting a positive light on the death of Robert Dziekanski, a Polish immigrant, while addressing concerns that the Taser-related death could stop people from attending the 2010 Olympic Games

      Control freaks

      "To me, it's not about suppressing information. It's about people trying to maintain some type of control about the way they're being represented."–David Hurford, spokesperson for Mayor Sam Sullivan, admitting that Sullivan's Wikipedia entry was edited by someone operating a City of Vancouver computer. Deleted sections of the entry included a paragraph on allegations that Sullivan had given addicts money for drugs.

      Bend it for beckham

      Vancouver may not have the reputation for soccer nuts that Europe does, but you wouldn't have known that from the way the city handled English soccer legend David Beckham's Canadian debut at B.C. Place in an exhibition game between the Vancouver Whitecaps and Beckham's Los Angeles Galaxy teammates. Ticket prices were as high as $120 and transit and ferry schedules were extended to accommodate spectators for the match. The game's legacy: a YouTube video with the description, "Dude streaks across B.C. place stadium in Vancouver." play video

      More like leftovers

      "That's it. I'm like really good, fresh Italian food–very simple, very clear, and very flavoured."–Former mayoral candidate Jim Green, asked by the Straight in January if there was a story beyond his denial of plans to run for mayor.

      Actually, you have to give it

      "I think I lost that a long time ago. I don't even want to think who might have taken it from me".–COPE park board commissioner Spencer Herbert, asked by the Straight if he had "lost his political virginity" in compromising on a vote in favour of a motion to seek a private operator for a planned new concession at English Bay.

      I say atrocity, you say beauty

      "We took a walk to Tiananmen Square and we saw the countdown clock in Tiananmen Square, which is beautiful. So we pulled out our cellphones and we phoned back to Vancouver, photographed it [the clock]–I don't even know if you're allowed–and we sent it back to Vancouver and said, 'We have to get ourselves one of these.' And today we have it, and it's very special."–VANOC CEO John Furlong, speaking at a Vancouver Board of Trade luncheon on the feelings that Beijing's Tiananmen Square brought out of him.

      Keep It Simple, stupid

      "Stupid word. It's a stupid word. It's a stupid word. You're not going to make a penny out of that. Nobody is going to go walking down the street going 'EcoDensity'."–KISS bass player Gene Simmons, also a businessman, reacting to the news that Vancouver mayor Sam Sullivan had registered a trademark on the term EcoDensity.

      The people's commish

      "I say Commissioner Zlotnik is 'Marty Antoinette', telling people without a lot of money, 'Go eat McDonald's,' not cake."–COPE park board commissioner Spencer Herbert, after Non-Partisan Association commissioner Marty Zlotnik told a local newspaper that people with no money should "head across the street to McDonald's" if they could not afford to eat at an upscale bistro that the park board was planning for English Bay Beach.

      Wishful thinking

      "When Jim Green reads it, he'll go into standard mode and try and sue me."–Former mayoral candidate James Green, hyping his self-published book, To Be Mayor, which focuses on his 2005 run at the mayor's office.

      Hangin' on the drive

      "I'm gonna hang one in effigy in my window overlooking the Drive."–"hoagy", in a comment at Straight.com in response to the unveiling of Vancouver's mascots for the 2010 Olympic Games. Alternative mascot suggestions from hoagy were "Dumpster Dave and his pal, Meth Annie".

      That's what we thought

      "It seems too good not to be us. But, unfortunately, I am absolutely positive it is not us. If it was us, you would know."–Anti-Poverty Committee cofounder Dave Cunningham, when asked by the Straight if it was the APC that cut down and stole the Olympic flag that was flying above City Hall.

      Time is money

      "I guess that's why you ask people to look into it before you jump into it."–Vancouver city councillor Peter Ladner, in an interview with the Straight, after hearing that his proposal to extend TransLink transfer times by 30 minutes would cost the city $500,000.

      Why, he's a handsome man

      "I haven't heard of him. Who is that?"–Former two-term COPE councillor Tim Louis, on Vancouver-Fairview NDP MLA Greg Robertson's prospects for a run at the mayor's office.

      Far from perfect

      "I don't pretend for a second that we've invented a perfect structure. I just think we are going to have one that is better than the last one."–Transportation Minister Kevin Falcon, on the new TransLink board structure that puts power in the hands of nonelected private-sector representatives.

      That oughta do it”¦

      "Our overall venue-management program includes broadly assessing each of our venues to ensure they are ready and safe and that measures are in place to address any possibilities."–VANOC executive vice-president for service operations Terry White, in a media release addressing concerns raised when a massive tear caused the roof of B.C. Place stadium to deflate.

      Gordon, we hardly knew ye

      "After they've put the tolls on the roads and widened the highways, and they've filled up again with congestion, the tragedy will be that these people will be left with no alternative, locked in again to another generation dependent upon the car and truck."–Former NPA councillor and current SFU city-program director Gordon Price, speaking at an anti-Gateway rally.

      Comments