Marion Cotillard shone, but 2008’s other Oscar stars didn’t dress to impress

The Academy Awards’ red carpet is supposed to show off fashion’s leading lights. The world’s top designers, including John Galliano, Michael Kors, and Prada, get to dress the world’s most typically gorgeous women and men for an evening when millions tune in to watch. Instead, we got gowns 'n' tuxes.

Would someone please put Cher and Björk in charge of next year’s styling?

If, indeed, the Oscars are a leader, this is what you can expect the hoi polloi to wear this year:

> Small-breasted women should wear fluffy, feathery “details” on their chests (Anne Hathaway, Jessica Alba, Heidi Klum, and Penelope Cruz).

> Men should sport clean-looking, nondescript suits, and greasy hair, for the “I’m super-hot but I don’t care enough to take a shower” look (Javier Bardem, Daniel Day-Lewis, Josh Brolin, Colin Farrell, and Josh Lucas).

> Older women should have sensible “mom” hair and covered arms (Julie Christie, Helen Mirren, and Rebecca Miller).

> Pretty girls should wear pretty dresses—no edge allowed (Miley Ray Cyrus and Amy Adams).

> Pregnant women should look as huge as possible (Cate Blanchett and Jessica Alba).

Thank God, then, for Marion Cotillard. The French actress proved her star-worthiness on the red carpet. Decked out in the only truly Hollywood-worthy gown of the evening—an exquisitely fitted cream Jean Paul Gaultier mermaid-inspired gown with faux scales—she accepted the award for best actress in La Vie en Rose.

If the writers’ strike spawned more reality TV—often better than the scripted stuff—maybe next year the designers should take the year off and leave it in someone else’s hands.

I nominate the Grade 7 class at Surrey’s Bridgeview Elementary School, which performed Haircuts by Children at this year’s PuSh International Performing Arts Festival.

Haute Couture by Children couldn’t be any worse than red carpet, 2008.