You invite Isaiah Washington to the music section’s Queer Eye for the Straight Guy party, and we reward you with a Payback Time T-shirt, two CDs off the Straight’s Top 50, and two tickets to a Live Nation club show taking place in Vancouver within the next four weeks. Here’s this week’s winning whine.

Dear Payback Time: There has been confusion with regard to Adrian Mack’s gender in the past. At times, Adrian’s editorials veer off into gay-romance-novel territory. Thankfully, his sexual preference has been straightened out. In last week’s New York Dolls review, I was struck by Mack’s ardent description of David Johansen’s “bedazzling, powder-blue Lycra shirt”. I could sense his longing when he described Johansen and Sylvain Sylvain staring into each other’s eyes, hovering before each other’s lips. Sadly, it was left up to readers’ imaginations, the unbridled erection that occurred while enjoying Johansen “shaking his tiny bum”. Ah well, in the end all that’s relevant is that the New York Dolls brought down the house at Celebrities.

> Jon Munsters

Adrian Mack replies: Dearest Jon—And how about your steamy prose, sister? My God, I was more than a little struck by your ardent description of my boner. “Unbridled”? I bet you are. Look, sorry to puncture your lavender fantasy, but I’m just another heterosexual dullard who prefers things face-to-face and silent with the lights out (as the good lord intended).

Seriously, I don’t even like to see guys in my porn. Maybe I dabbled a little back in the ’90s—who didn’t?—and you’re certainly not alone in your suspicions (Hi Mom!), but my wife would like to inform you that Adrian Mack is now straighter than a Texas road, if not quite as long, and the evidence is a two-and-a-half-year-old brat who is tugging at my sleeve as I type this. But you can go right ahead and tell yourself that it doesn’t prove a thing, okay cheeky? I’m grateful for the interest either way.

Jon Munsters takes home a Payback Time jackpot so massive that it’s not possible to recount everything in it here. You can voice your impotent rage by snail mail or by sending an e-mail to payback@straight.com.