Starring Steven Strait and Camilla Belle. Rated 14A.

He invented the film superstardom of Will Smith, made the American Godzilla movie that sucked, and brought us climate change versus Jake Gyllenhaal.

For his latest serving of adventure cheese, Roland Emmerich takes us to the distant past. Or something. Starring Steven Strait, whose striking caveman-rocker persona debuted in Sky High some years back, 10,000 B.C. distinguishes itself from One Million Years B.C., which starred Raquel Welch in a fur bikini. This one has no fur bikinis, but it does have Camilla Belle in leather slave gear.

You also get woolly mammoths, a sabre-toothed tiger, and an evil nation scouring distant lands for primitive tribes to serve their large computer-generated pyramid. Yes, it’s that old story of boy meets girl, girl is kidnapped by terrifying brutes, boy rescues girl and own culture from technologically superior sociopaths, only with less action and more dialogue. Think of Apocalypto directed by Kevin Smith, only instead of dick jokes the characters intone things like “the prophecy has foretold the coming of the warrior” and “they have taken her to the mountain of the gods”.

Emmerich’s tin ear is especially unfortunate because his Stone Age fairy tale could have worked if freed from distracting blather and trite characterization. No one could confuse this movie for realist drama anyway, when the hero, who looks pretty white, lives a few days’ walk from Africa. Also, our main couple has access to teeth bleaching and eyebrow shaping. Emmerich’s movies revolve around lavish set pieces, which he directs with genuine zest. I just wanted less of Strait giving monologues about his father and more of him being chased by humongous predator birds. That’s why scientists invented fast-forward buttons, which, unfortunately, don’t work in movie theatres yet.