You force the music section to go out clubbing with Richie Sambora, and we reward you with a Payback Time T-shirt, two recently released major-label CDs, and two tickets to a Live Nation club show taking place in Vancouver within the next four weeks. Here’s this week’s winning whine.

Dear Payback Time: Adrian Mack, I am glad to read that you share my appreciation for the new R.E.M. album. Unfortunately, however, you appear to be only able to express this appreciation by insulting R.E.M.’s previous work. Certainly R.E.M. have had some lacklustre efforts in the post–Bill Berry years, but your tirade against their discography even included “Everybody Hurts”, which deserves a free pass simply based on its inclusion on perhaps the group’s best album, Automatic for the People. What’s worse, you devoted much of your first paragraph to mocking the way Michael Stipe dresses and dances in his videos (Adrian’s Eye for the Queer Guy?). At least you got around to talking about the album in the end. But next time, try judging the album by its own merits, not against two decades’ worth of bias. Still, no need to dwell on this poorly written review—call this one your Around the Sun; I’m sure you’ll do better next time.

> Alex Hudson

Adrian Mack replies: Dearest Alex—Thank you for your letter. Future whiners, please note that Alex has taken the time to compose a thoughtful and funny bitch slap, thereby raising the stakes in this dangerous game we call Payback. I expect to see some improvement across the board after this. Vancouver, since you have apparently elected to give me a weekly column here in the paintball section of the Straight, let’s agree to work together and make this the best Payback it can be. Learn from Alex’s example, and sharpen your weapons. In the meantime, and as a gesture of respect, I shall lower my bow and allow Alex Hudson to retreat into the dark woods with a snarl curling his lip and his eyes ablaze. This is a sacred moment between hunter and quarry, and I trust we shall meet again. Having said that, I have to correct you on one little thing, Alex: I feel that my Accelerate review is in fact an excellent piece of writing. It came out quickly and fully formed, in marked contrast to the turgid and overwrought crapola I wrote for Throw Me the Statue’s Moonbeams in the same issue. That’s the real stinker, and I’m glad you didn’t notice it, buddy—’cause you’d be feasting on my guts right now if you had.

For taking the time to abuse us, Alex Hudson takes home R.E.M.’s Accelerate and the Black Keys’ Attack & Release. You can voice your impotent rage by snail mail or by sending an e-mail to payback@straight.com.