Chickenfoot makes music that no one needs to hear

by Steve Newton on June 12th, 2009 at 10:05 AM

Chickenfoot
Chickenfoot (Redline Entertainment Inc.)

It’s a shame that so-called “supergroup” Chickenfoot—composed of guitar wizard Joe Satriani, drumming ace Chad Smith of the Red Hot Chili Peppers, and a couple of guys who won’t be featured on the upcoming version of Guitar Hero: Van Halen (singer Sammy Hagar and bassist Michael Anthony)—didn’t put as much thought and effort into the music on their debut CD as they did the cover art.

As explained in the liner notes, “this package is printed with a non-toxic heat-sensitive ink which changes appearance above and below 84 ° F/29 ° C”, so you when you lay your greasy fingers across its front cover, images of the four Chickenfoot members appear out of nowhere. Considering how mediocre the accompanying songs are, it’s quite fitting that when you take your fingers away Hagar & Co. slowly fade back to the black hole from whence they came.

The first track—hang on a sec while I lay my greasy fingers on the back cover to reveal the song title”¦oh, there it is—the first track, “Avenida Revolucion”, opens with a full seven seconds’ worth of the Satriani’s faster-than-fuck fretwork before the rhythm section kicks into a plodding groove and Hagar hollers “Hey you!” to introduce his overwrought tale of “wetbacks” desperately trying to cross the Mexican border into the States.

It’s cool that the shaggy-haired tequila pusher is tackling some serious social issues, but would it kill him to create an arrangement that isn’t so freakin’ tedious?

Braving the magic ink again I discover that the second track is called “Soap on a Rope”. Catchy title but, again, Sammy and his mates forgot to come up with a decent chord progression, something you might actually want to hear again in the not too distant future. Satriani pulls off his best imitation of Eddie Van Halen’s squealing guitar, making this tune sound like a substandard reject from the 5150 sessions. “Get your soap up, and get your buzz on,” sings Sammy. Well, at least the lyrics are impressive.

Need I continue? No thanks. I’m getting too much of that apparently “non-toxic” ink all over myself, and I’d hate to catch cancer and die from listening to this crap. Let’s just say that Chickenfoot is the sound of four famous rock stars cynically joining forces to offer the world the type of exceedingly safe, formulaic rock music it has no need for whatsoever.

Download This: Sorry, nothing worth recommending here.

Comments

33 Comments

GIANTSFAN

Jun 12, 2009 at 11:48am

STEVE,YOU ARE A COMPLETE MORON!!! HAVE YOU SEEN THE REVIEWS AND THAT IT DEBUTED AT #4 ON BILLBOARD? WHAT DO YOU LISTEN TO,THE JONAS BROTHERS? THIS IS A SOLID ROCK-N-ROLL RECORD?GO TAKE YOUR PEN AND YOUR OPINION AND GO AWAY.YOU ARE AN UN-TALENTED IDIOT!!!

T KIDD

Jun 12, 2009 at 12:42pm

Steve, I thought the Chickenfoot album was a nice break from all of the (radio rock) BS that is out right now (Nickle-crap, Hin-turd, and mostly, all the bands who are trying sound like Coldplay - ie. Grey's Anatomy rockers) ...The guys from Chickenfoot are doing something the music industry forgot about, "having FUN"... they aren't trying to change the world with their music...don't worry, it must be a generational thing, I grew up listening to Hagar, and VH, so, to me, this is the best record I have heard all year... formulaic shouldn't take on a negative connotation when they are the guys who were part of creating the "original" FORMULA for this genre of music...

John Lucas

Jun 12, 2009 at 1:13pm

I can confirm that Steve Newton does indeed listen to the Jonas Bros. In fact, that's all he seems to listen to, judging by the fact that "Burnin' Up" has been on endless repeat in his office for about six months.

Tim

Jun 12, 2009 at 1:19pm

Steve,

Why don't you go listen to a Morrissey record and stop bothering people?

I'm sorry the lyrics aren't sufficiently deep for you. I didn't realize rock and roll music had to channel Tennyson. Have you heard Chuck Berry? Eddie Cochran? How about Robert Johnson? All of these luminaries were not exactly skilled in rhyme, meter, figurative language, or literary allusion.

Someone operating with your level of pretense should not even bother to review rock and roll music.

Chickenfoot rules.

D

Jun 12, 2009 at 1:31pm

I figured you'd give the album a bad review since you gave last month's Commodore show a bad review, too. I thought the concert was pretty good and the album itself is not bad (not great). I'd give it at least 3 headphones out of five.

elc

Jun 12, 2009 at 2:04pm

well the frustrated as fuck muscian who is now critic/journo has spoken!
your bitterness and bile wont con the masses steven, and as far as you slammin joe about chord progressions, and hagar's voice, um, where can i get your cd from????????????
oh, thats right, your just write about the music dont you....................
its people like you who unfortunately are put in a position to provide an objective critique, oly ot get caught up in your own shortcomings and hangups, and gee its shard seeing the CF guys smile so much isnt Steve?

Steve Newton

Jun 12, 2009 at 2:06pm

Don't pay any attention to my colleague John Lucas's blatant and hurtful lies. The only thing I've had on endless repeat in the office of late is the new <a href="http://www.straight.com/article-227746/johnny-winter-anthology-spans-ent... Winter anthology</a>, which I recommend everyone run out and buy right now instead of Chickenfoot.

And hey, Giantsfan: I know you are but what am I.

Eskimo

Jun 12, 2009 at 2:20pm

Steve - if you don't enjoy rock and roll, don't listen to rock and roll records. It's that simple. Leave the critiquing to those with an appreciation for the genre.