Music Features

Hip-hop, heavy metal, jazz, folk, and more provide the soundtrack to your summer

There's a very real chance that the past few weeks have been an aberration, and that the next couple of months will be a return to soggy business as usual. Then again, it's possible that the Farmers' Almanac is going to be right this year and that we're in for one of those summers where oscillating fans are impossible to find and Popsicles are, by necessity, a dietary staple. However the weather unfolds, one thing is for sure: as far as the concert schedule goes, things are going to be hot. Below you'll find a handpicked overview of the season's most coveted shows. Here's hoping that no matter what you're planning to catch, you won't have to leave the house with an umbrella.

Vancouver Folk Music Festival
Was there really a time when the folk fest was a magnet for nothing but patchouli-scented leftovers in Birkenstocks who find nothing funny about A Mighty Wind? Arguable as that is, there's no arguing those days are over. Pete Seeger seeming like an open-minded dude, somehow you just know that he'd approve of the fest's '09 lineup, which takes genre-busting chances with the likes of hip-hop legends Arrested Development, DIY anti-folkie Sam Beam's Iron & Wine, and indie-rock upstarts the Weakerthans. When and Where: July 17 to 19 at Jericho Beach Park. Suggested Retail Price: Visit http://thefestival.bc.ca/ticket-information for a full breakdown. What We'd Trade Our Tickets For: A hemp knapsack full of Bear Naked all-natural granola, which doesn't have nearly the on-site cachet it once did. Fan Profile: Beardos of all stripes mixed with a smattering of Gabriola Island adventurists. Appropriate Attire: Hats of the sun-blocking variety, given that God seems to always smile on Jericho during folk fest. What You'll Walk Away With: A new definition of what folk is.

Rock the Bells
Not to disparage the support talent—which includes the much-respected likes of Common, Damian Marley, and moonlighting OutKast MC Big Boi—but this one is all about the headliner, Nas. High on the list of reasons to be glad you're alive is the likelihood of hearing “Hip-Hop Is Dead” in one of the Pacific Northwest's most beautiful concert settings. When and Where: August 1 at Deer Lake Park. Suggested Retail Price: $79.50 plus service charges. What We'd Trade Our Tickets For: Video footage of Nas marching into the Def Jam offices in 2007 and proudly announcing the title for his then-upcoming album. Fan Profile: Imitators of the real Slim Shady and the 'hos that love them. Appropriate Attire: Bling and thongs. What You'll Walk Away With: Sore arms, 'cause Christ knows you're going to be waving them in the air like you just don't care.

Warped Tour
As much as you can be forgiven for asking yourself why Bad Religion and NOFX don't let someone else headline the party for a summer, the beauty of the Warped Tour is the sheer volume of bands on the undercard. Whether you're talking overamped Canuck heavyweights Alexisonfire or posthardcore metalheads Scary Kids Scaring Kids, you're guaranteed to discover something to make that next Hot Topic visit worthwhile. When and Where: August 14 at Thunderbird Stadium. Suggested Retail Price: $34.50 plus service charges. What We'd Trade Our Tickets For: Exclusive video footage of über-repulsive NOFX bassist-singer Fat Mike buying pills and blow after creeping out Sara—or maybe it was Tegan—backstage at that festival in Germany. Fan Profile: Mallrats who think the legendary Subhumans are Gordon Ramsay, Christian Bale, and that ill-tempered troll who starred in Knocked Up. Appropriate Attire: To prove your old-school cred—and possibly get a shout-out from Fat Mike—a D.O.A. hockey jersey. And when we say D.O.A., we're not talking about that Jay-Z song. What You'll Walk Away With: The feeling that despite what Barack Obama says, the world is still going to hell in a petrol-ignited handcart.

Coldplay
Even though singer Chris Martin sometimes seems embarrassed by his own band, U.K. art-poppers Coldplay are now positioned to become this generation's U2. The big difference being, of course, that Martin doesn't come off as the kind of arrogant twat that deserves a good cock-punch. When and Where: June 20 and 21 at GM Place. Suggested Retail Price: $97.50/79.50/49.50 plus service charges. What We'd Trade Our Tickets For: Keeping in mind that he's currently shagging Gwyneth Paltrow, the chance to swap places with Chris Martin for a day. Or 22 seconds, which is probably about all it would take. Fan Profile: Wine-and-cheese-party condo dwellers who consider the Arcade Fire just a little too crazy for their tastes. Appropriate Attire: Have you seen what they wear in Cape Cod during the summer? What You'll Walk Away With: Overwhelming regret that you didn't make the pilgrimage to catch Coldplay headline Pemberton Festival '08.

Slayer/Megadeth
With a Pantera reunion looking rather unlikely these days, Slayer can now lay claim to being the most badass and entirely uncompromising big band in the long and molten history of pure American metal. As for Megadeth, Dave Mustaine can finally look in the mirror and thank sweet baby Satan that he was given the boot from Metallica. When and Where: June 24 at GM Place. Suggested Retail Price: $65.50/45.50/35.50/24.50 plus service charges. What We'd Trade Our Tickets For: An '80s-vintage Reign in Blood T-shirt, complete with the skidtastic three-quarter-length sleeves. Fan Profile: Terry and Deaner from FUBAR. Appropriate Attire: See What We'd Trade Our Tickets For. What You'll Walk Away With: New ammunition for the argument that there's nothing absurd about wearing untied hightops with giant tongues in 2009.

Jonas Brothers
Complaining that the Jonas Brothers are shamelessly prefab is a little like bitching about Britney Spears being utterly devoid of anything remotely resembling natural talent, taste, or basic hygiene: it is what it is. Compensating for that is that the three siblings from Whackoff, err, Wyckoff, New Jersey, actually seem to have some manners, which is more than you can say for that horrid little troll Avril Lavigne. When and Where: June 29 and 30 at GM Place. Suggested Retail Price: $97.50/77.50/67.50/37.50/19.50 plus service charges. What We'd Trade Our Tickets For: A still-in-the-package set of Hanson bobbleheads along with a sealed package of Bay City Rollers trading cards. Fan Profile: Awkward-stage tweens and their about-to-be-fleeced-at-the-merch-table parents. Appropriate Attire: Padded training bras and full-metal-jacket braces. What You'll Walk Away With: Permanent hearing damage from all the fruit bat–like shrieking you'll be subjected to.

Green Day
A decade and a half ago, Green Day looked like it was going to be joining Hootie & the Blowfish and Ugly Kid Joe in the one-hit-wonder file. Today, the Berkeley trio is a shoo-in for the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, its spot assured by the sprawling new storytelling opus, 21st Century Breakdown. When and Where: July 4 at GM Place. Suggested Retail Price: $59.50/35.50 plus service charges. What We'd Trade Our Tickets For: The PIN to singer Billie Joe Armstrong's Swiss bank account. Fan Profile: A split between punk-rock parents who insist on keeping it real with Kool-Aid–coloured hair, and snot-nosed kids who were filling their Huggies back when Armstrong was stabbing the living shit out of the rec-room couch in the video for “Longview”. Appropriate Attire: Have you ever seen that T-shirt where the words “American Psycho” are superimposed over a machine-gun–toting George W. Bush? What You'll Walk Away With: A newfound respect for Freddie Mercury, who seems to have become an unofficial godfather to the biggest band in punk rock.

Death Cab for Cutie
For the longest time, the only thing Bellingham was famous for was smelling weirdly like canned dog food. Give Death Cab for Cutie credit for not only changing that, but for proving it's possible for indie rockers from go-nowhere towns to buck long odds. Seriously, you never saw the Mono Men hit number one on the Billboard charts. When and Where: July 16 at the Pacific Coliseum. Suggested Retail Price: $47.50/35 plus service charges. What We'd Trade Our Tickets For: Two shot glasses from the 3B Tavern. Fan Profile: Sad. Very, very sad. Appropriate Attire: Sensible sweaters and horn-rimmed glasses. What You'll Walk Away With: Red-rimmed eyes the second Death Cab launches into “I Will Follow You Into the Dark”.

No Doubt
You know what the definition of a simply charmed kind of life is? That's when you can take a five-year hiatus from performing live, and then return to action headlining hockey rinks even though you have nothing new to offer but a cover of Adam and the Ants' kitsch-curiosity “Stand & Deliver”. When and Where: July 18 at GM Place. Suggested Retail Price: $105/80.50/54.50 plus service charges. What We'd Trade Our Tickets For: A ticket stub from No Doubt's early '90s stand at the Town Pump, which attracted all of about 10 people. Fan Profile: Ska-loving scooter weenies, '90s alt-pop survivors, and L.A.M.B.-line–clad newbies who are going to be mightily disappointed when they discover Gwen Stefani plans to play nothing off her two solo smashes. Appropriate Attire: In honour of the look that initially made Stefani famous, track pants and a jeweled bindi. What You'll Walk Away With: The buzz of seeing one of the most famous women in the world in the flesh. Or at least in the flesh on the JumboTron.

Snoop Dogg
If the recent documentary Tyson proves anything, it's that given the proper amount of time, even the most reprehensible of characters can somehow start to seem likable. Which explains why legitimate rap icon Calvin Broadus is better known as a football coach, accomplished pornographer, and occasional actor these days than an accused gang-banging murder accomplice. When and Where: July 22 at GM Place. Suggested Retail Price: $85.50/59.50/35.50/24.75 plus service charges. What We'd Trade Our Tickets For: Let's just say it's not only sticky icky icky but also guaranteed to have no stems and no seeds. Fan Profile: Can you say blazed and confused? Appropriate Attire: As every Rollin 20's Crip knows, a Pittsburgh Steelers jersey. What You'll Walk Away With: A good reason to put off that mandatory company drug test for at least a month.

Virgin festival '09
Someone once noted that a wise man learns from his mistakes. Clearly then, the organizers of Virgin Festival are cleverer than the average bear. Two years ago, they held the inaugural Vancouver V-Fest in June. Predictably, it pissed hard enough to make you wonder when the ark was going to arrive. The return of the two-day V-Fest takes place this July with a roster that includes Our Lady Peace, K-OS, Ben Harper, Sonic Youth, and Jarvis Cocker. And, hopefully, a cloud-free sky. When and Where: July 25-26 at Deer Lake Park. Suggested Retail Price: $125 for a two-day pass plus service charges. What We'd Trade Our Tickets For: A credit card statement that confirms Jarvis Cocker has rented out a luxury box for Michael Jackson's 02 Arena run. Fan Profile: A mix of kids who love nothing better than watching a show through the video screen on their phones, and aged types who remember when cells were the size of a shoebox. Appropriate Attire: Mobiles, with all the accessories. What You'll Walk Away With: The realization that despite how things might look from the SkyTrain, Burnaby can be beautiful.

Aerosmith/ZZ Top
Not to generalize, but here's betting that most of the rock-radio listeners who've kept Aerosmith in hookers and blow for the past four decades don't have a lot of old-school hip-hop in their record collections. What's funny about that is that if it hadn't been for a certain career-reviving collaboration with Run-D.M.C., the Toxic Twins might very well be headlining county fairs in Shitsville, U.S.A., these days instead of football stadiums. As for ZZ Top, the beard farmers from Texas count the likes of Mastodon and Queens of the Stone Age as major fanboys, which is a lot more than the latest turds to appear on Pitchfork can say. When and Where: August 15 at B.C. Place. Suggested Retail Price: $199/157/115 plus service charges. What We'd Trade Our Tickets For: A lemon gin–filled wineskin and a roach clip adorned with a purple feather. Fan Profile: Middle-aged men attempting to feather what's left of their hair. Appropriate Attire: Rhoda Morgenstern–issue scarves, preferably draped over a coke-packed mike stand. What You'll Walk Away With: A hangover that will last for a week.

Kings of Leon
Man, talk about cleaning up well. When Kings of Leon first rolled out of Nashville a decade ago, they looked like the biggest inbreds this side of circa-'74 Lynyrd Skynyrd. These days the quartet is not only giving Interpol a run for its money in the totally styling department but it's also morphed into the biggest new band in rock 'n' roll thanks to the megaplatinum-selling Only By the Night. When and Where: August 15 and 16 at GM Place. Suggested Retail Price: $55/39.50 plus service charges. What We'd Trade Our Tickets For: A 26-ounce bottle of Evan Williams Single Barrel Vintage bourbon. Fan Profile: Approximately 26,000 people who most certainly never saw Kings of Leon play a half-empty Richard's on Richards back in September of 2003. Appropriate Attire: For maximum bragging rights, a Kings of Leon 2003 tour T-shirt. What You'll Walk Away With: The urge to kick yourself for deciding to watch Golden Girls reruns instead of catching Kings of Leon at Richard's on Richards.

Only after they rolled and smoked it did Arrested Development realize that the stuff in their yard was actually ragweed.

TD Canada Trust Vancouver International Jazz Festival
Go ahead and admit it: there's nothing you love better than gorging yourself at a smorgasbord. As a result, the Vancouver jazz festival is sort of the musical equivalent of a season's pass to Ricky's. You want too much for one person to consume? Well, that would be 400 performances—in too many substyles to begin to tackle here—at a whopping 40 venues. When and Where: June 26 to July 5 at various locations. Suggested Retail Price: Visit www.coastaljazz.ca/ for a full breakdown. What We'd Trade Our Tickets For: An original vinyl copy of Miles Davis's Bitches Brew, complete with Mati Klarwein's mint-condition gatefold cover. Fan Profile: With so much on tap in so many styles, pretty much a cross-section of Vancouver. Appropriate Attire: Ray-Bans, which, for the duration of the festival, you can wear in the club at night without fear of being publicly ridiculed. What You'll Walk Away With: The feeling that you really ought to send Ken Burns a thank-you note.

Heaven & Hell
Argue all you want that when it came to the definitive Black Sabbath frontman, Ronnie James Dio wasn't fit to lick Ozzy Osbourne's nut sack. At least Dio isn't wandering around a reality-television set these days looking like a senile senior citizen who's one pee-pee incident away from the Depends. All of which is to say that if you're looking for top-notch Sabbath, this edition of the band is the one worth hoisting the devil horns for. When and Where: August 7 at Thunderbird Arena. Suggested Retail Price: $64.50/59.50/49.50 plus service charges. What We'd Trade Our Tickets For: A Hair Club for Men membership, which Dio could actually use, considering he looks like he's wearing an electrocuted polecat on his head. Fan Profile: Skids who'll be hot-boxing before the show in rusted-out panel vans. Appropriate Attire: Black crosses, preferably dipped in curdled pig's blood and worn upside down. What You'll Walk Away With: A sense of puzzlement as to why the hell there isn't a TV show called The Dios.