Pride and coming out: how it applies beyond LGBT communities

Yes, there are the musclebound guys in thongs sheathed in outrageous body paint. And topless women in S&M gear riding motorbikes. And, of course, scene-stealing drag queens with their queer couture wigs, dresses, and makeup.

But setting aside the gawkfest aspect of the Pride parade for a moment, beneath the sparkle of glitter and the gasp-inducing glam that hordes gather to ogle, there’s an underlying element that can easily be overlooked: how the concept of Pride applies to people beyond the LGBT communities.

Certainly, the parade and Pride Week reflects the ongoing fight for queer rights and the incredible gains that communities have made. And of course straight people can benefit from learning to understand homophobia and discrimination, becoming tolerant of differences, and other social benefits.

But as the parade becomes increasingly popular as a mainstream event, something to consider is how the concepts of coming out and Pride can apply to everyone.

Coming out of the closet may  have come to be  primarily associated with the LGBT experience. But almost everyone has some form of a closet at one point or another in their lifetime.

There are the past experiences or incidences that we might hide that we feel ashamed of. There are the parts of ourselves that we hide, in fear that we will be criticized, rejected, ostracized, or cast out by others. Sometimes we suppress parts of ourselves in order to maintain relationships—whether familial, romantic, or platonic—because we think  or perceive  that’s what’s necessary.

I’ve known friends who have  felt ashamed, rather than proud of,  their talents, intelligence, maturity,  or  independence. In some cases,  these individuals felt they needed to  maintain a certain image or persona, or needed to sacrifice important parts of themselves in order to remain connected to parents or partners.

I’ve known others who hide their  unique perspectives  or quirkiness behind a bland wash of congeniality and compliance, or who excessively repress their aggression, depression, or emotional turbulence behind an impenetrable facade of seamless cheerfulness.

Of course, it’s not possible to be completely authentic in every social situation. After coming out, many LGBT people learn that it’s not always necessary to tell every single person about themselves. And sometimes there are financial or cultural pressures, or other complicated considerations.

But when taken to excess, to the point that it becomes impossible to express oneself when necessary, or to break free of inhibitions even by choice,  the dances of self-deceit that we encourage, sometimes force, others to participate in, in order to maintain myths or beliefs about ourselves, can have numerous, far-reaching repercussions.

Secrets beget secrets. And sometimes, what started as one thing evolves into something else, and sometimes ends up impacting numerous other lives.

Among the  guys, who I’ve either suspected to be closeted or who  have hit on me, who date women in order to seem  straight, some have gotten married, and  some have had  kids. As things become much more complicated  and  the stakes get higher, what started off as self-protection can become self-imprisonment and emotional suffocation.

It’s these escalating secrets that often isolate people from others, hinder intimacy and fulfillment, and can prevent a person from seeking help or support  from others.  What could be dealt with and worked through may end up festering, getting  worse, or even  affecting mental, emotional, or physical health.

I knew a closeted gay man, in a relationship with a friend, who had been told by his family that if he was gay, it was okay with them; he declined coming out to them.

It made me wonder why—in spite of the great gains that LGBT people have made in terms of rights and visibility, when gay men and women are on mainstream TV and in blockbuster movies,  woman-on-woman kissing is everywhere, and  bromances have  shed new light on male intimacy—numerous men and women still choose the closet.

The answer is probably based on the reasons why anyone chooses to closet parts of themselves.

As philosopher Plato pointed out with his parable of the Cave from The Republic, prisons can become comfort zones, and freedom (or change from what is familiar) can be terrifying. It does require new skills, and learning to relate to the world in a new way. In learned helplessness experiments, behavioural scientists discovered that animals who find that they can’t escape shocks will, contrary to instinct,  give up trying to escape;  even after an exit route opens up, they have to be retaught how to help themselves.

LGBT people, and other minorities, face such challenges, and have worked to overcome them. Coming out has certainly gotten easier over the past few decades, but depending on the situation, it can still be a process of facing your deepest fears, of finding the strength to go against social norms, risk the loss of relationships or employment, and live life as you truly are. And it’s not always a smooth ride, a happily-ever-after, or even a happy beginning.

But while watching the Pride parade or festivities this week, try considering what you might be hiding or repressing, how it is affecting your life, and what your world could be like if you didn’t have to. Is it affecting your well-being? Are the benefits really worth the detriments? Is it something that could led to self-improvement?

Coming out and pride are part of an ongoing, lifelong process that  can lead to something much more deep-set: self-esteem. And at a time when the condition of the planet in crisis on numerous levels, we could certainly use much more self-honesty in this world, not less.

Comments

2 Comments

Pride, an embarrassment and not deserving of respect.

Aug 2, 2009 at 12:36pm

This freak show is exactly why I wouldn't bring any of my straight friends to Pride. Between this embarrassment and the guy wearing nothing but fishnet with his dick CLEARLY hard and obvious sitting beside a bit old fat tranny wearing nothing at all... yea I'm proud to be associated with those sorry excuses for humanity. How can we expect people, straight or otherwise to respect as being more than just about sex when you present yourself to the public like that.

Arachne

Aug 7, 2009 at 1:46pm

There's always going to be a difference of opinion on that. I don't know how old you are, but I'm a 49 yo straight mother of a 26 yo son, who's straight, with gay friends. It's not just age, but I think anyone who was around in the seventies and is still here knows what it was like to be able to tell society that queer people existed, in your face, nothing you can do about it. Some people are just always on stage, and some people get carried away. But then there is the United Church of Canada float, some politicians, businesses etc. No, you can't guarantee everyone will present the best side of LGBTQ Pride. But your friends won't think less of you--warn them if you think they would rather skip it than look away.