Things like, say, Steve, the Indian Goddess.
Now Steve the Indian Goddess is no ordinary goddess. Steve—who now lives in a temple in Shankhalpoor in Gujarat, India, where he is worshipped by adoring followers who believe him to be the Hindu fertility Goddess Bahucharaji—is originally from Shepshed, Leicestershire, England, but came to his new life at the temple directly from Tooting, London.
Steve says he's much happier living in the temple and being worshipped as a goddess than he was living in his tiny flat in Tooting, where he was unemployed and not treated much like a goddess at all. He says he plans to stay. There's free food and tea and the adoration of thousands. How could Tooting ever beat that?
Some cynics may say "But how can a man be a goddess?" To that, Steve would simply reply, "You've gotta come directly from Tooting to understand, man".
Others may wonder how Steve feels about being a goddess who is especially famous for castrating her husband, but that is neither here nor there.
What is quite interesting, however, is the interview one particular woman gave in which she was quoted as saying “My sister-in-law came here and she got pregnant immediately".
Now, maybe it's just me, but it would seem that, in becoming a very hands-on sort of fertility goddess, Steve is perhaps taking his job a little too literally, if you know what I mean.
Life of Brian
Speaking of gods and messiahs and always looking on the bright side of life, have you ever considered making British food activist and author Raj Patel your own personal savior?
Because one group has.
And it couldn't have happened to a nicer guy.
The only problem is that Raj, unlike Steve the Hindu Goddess, refuses to embrace his newfound divinity, which is making it hard for his followers to follow him properly. Not that his refusal to accept his role as the Messiah is in any way stopping them from worshipping him. It just makes it a little harder, that's all.
We're talking a real-life Brian here, folks, as Raj's story is not at all dissimilar to that of the famous Brian of Monty Python fame.
The best bit—right out of the film itself—is that his refusal to admit he is in fact the Chosen One is actually proof to his followers that he is indeed the true Messiah. Because who else but the true Messiah would deny his own divinity, right? It's obvious.
I'm not sure if he's told them to "Fuck right off!!" yet, í la Brian, but you can only imagine the response would be "How shall we fuck off, O Lord?"
Good luck with that one, Raj.
The one thing Steve the Hindu Goddess does not have that most goddesses most certainly do is the subject of our third and final story today.
It seems that Kotex, in wanting to parody the typical sort of ads that are usually used to, er, plug feminine hygiene products, dared to try and use the unspeakable V-word in its new ad campaign.
Yes, remove all children from the room before reading any further because we are indeed talking about the dreaded word vagina here. Shocking? Morally corrupting? Yes and yes. It's like saying other parts of the human anatomy, only worse.
If there's one thing we as a civilization have learned over the centuries it's that we must protect the children from anatomically correct terms for body parts. We all know that children who have heard the word vagina almost always end up living lives of utter depravity.
Just think what happened to those kids in Lord of The Flies. I read that book a long time ago now, but didn't all the shit that went down in that story happen after somebody dared to utter the word vagina? Or maybe it was penis. Either way, it didn't end well.
So, thankfully, the main American broadcasters, ABC, CBS and NBC are taking a stand for all that's good and decent in this world and banning the ads—and, in doing so, have saved millions of children from certain criminal delinquency, sexual deviancy, or worse.
They even stood their ground when Kotex came back with a revised ad that substituted "down there" for the word vagina. Luckily, they could not be tricked by such a blatant act of deception. If people were to think of "down there" they just might conjure up an image of the dreaded V-word itself. Or Australia. Either way, no good for the children.
Whatever you may feel about the banning of vagina, the reshot, for-the-children version of the ad is still quite funny and worth a look.
And, no, thank God, there's no mention of elbows or thighs or buttocks or penises either.
Read more and watch the ad here.
So, there you have it, people. Steve, Brian, and absolutely no vaginas.
Now carry on with your day.
Mike Cowie is a freelance writer who writes about politics, music, film, travel, and much more. You can read more of Mike’s views on his Web site.