Is a two-year dry spell worth the price of admission?
My wife and I click on just about every level—parenting, money, religion, politics, et cetera—except for sex. After our last child was born, my advances were increasingly rejected. In an attempt to avoid pressuring her, I stopped initiating. One week passed, nothing. A month passed, nothing. A year passed, nothing. Depression and anger set in. But I was committed to being the “perfect husband,” so I did not pressure her, hoping her libido would return. It didn’t. Our “happy” life continued, and if you were a friend or neighbor, you’d have no idea this was going on. After two years, I finally lost it and confronted her. I expected that an open dialogue would improve the situation, but a month passed and she never brought it back up.
She’s a stay-at-home parent, so she does most of the shopping, laundry, et cetera, but I contribute to the housework. We live in a large house, so we also have house cleaners and landscapers. Additionally, our kids are respectful and have been taught to pick up after themselves. The bottom line is that I’ve removed all of the obstacles I can think of.
I realize that I’m lucky to be happy and fulfilled in just about every area of my life, but I’ve become fidgety, short-tempered, and hypersensitive. I do not want to have an affair and I do not want a divorce. I love her and our children, but I’m at a loss as to what to do. Knowing there are women out there in the world who actually enjoy sex is devastating. (It kills me to listen to you field a call from a sexually confident woman on your podcast.) I am mourning the loss of intimacy and connection with another person.
> Please Advise Troubled Husband
I’ll get to you in a minute, PATH, but first”¦
MTV, a cable television channel that has been broadcasting music videos in a continuous loop since the summer of 1981, has elected to speed the moral collapse of the United States by putting me on television. My upcoming sex-advice program is tentatively titled Savage U, and it represents MTV’s first foray into non-music-video programming. (My preferred title for the show—Dan Savage’s Alaska—was rejected by the program’s co–executive producer, Piper Palin.) This news has upset not only my son, who has been in the MTV stage of his development for roughly three years, but also Maggie Gallagher, the head of the National Organization for Marriage, who has been stuck in the raving-bigot stage of her development for nearly three decades.
“Renowned sex columnist Dan Savage, who is an openly gay man,” Gallagher wrote on her blog, “will be taking his popular sex and relationship advice column to MTV in a show appropriately called ”˜Savage U’ where he intends to educate your college student about the importance of honesty over just about anything else, including fidelity.”
Gallagher, who once had a child out of wedlock, speaks for the fidelity-over-anything-else crowd (fidelity over honesty, reality, statistics, biology, ability, et cetera). Now, some people are capable of abstaining before marriage and being faithful to one partner for life—some people, but not Maggie—but these people represent a tiny minority of sexually active adults. And while those who make this aberrant lifestyle choice should not be discriminated against, the rest of us—the majority of sexually active adults—should be free to engage in grown-up conversations about sex and desire and the more reality-friendly ways in which we define fidelity without being shouted down by the monogamously correct.
I’d like to address Gallagher’s two main objections to Savage U in some detail:
“Savage, for all his experience, does not know what women are like,” says Gallagher.
I may not know what women taste like—I’ve never gone down on one—but I do know what women are like. My mother was a woman, my sister is a woman, my favourite bartender is a woman, my first sex partners were women, and many of my friends, neighbours, and coworkers are women. And as someone who is attracted to men and is in a long-term relationship with a man, I know what straight women have to put up with.
Ironically, Gallagher is a practicing Catholic who cites her faith as a reason for her opposition to same-sex marriage. But not knowing what women taste like has never stopped the pope from offering his unsolicited advice to women—no birth control, no abortions, no oral, no anal, no handjobs—and it seems a little hypocritical of Gallagher to suggest that I’m not qualified to offer advice to women, since I don’t fuck ’em, without first telling that old fag in Rome to STFU already.
“The possibility of taming one’s sexual desire for the sake of another, or of a vow, is not in the Savage moral imagination,” says Gallagher. “Libido will have out, and honesty about that is the best policy.”
The possibility of taming one’s sexual desire for the sake of another most definitely exists within the Savage moral imagination. I frequently discuss the “price of admission”, that is, the personal sacrifices, large and small, that make long-term relationships possible. For some, the price of admission—what it costs to ride a particular ride—includes “taming one’s sexual desire for the sake of another”. If anal sex is something you enjoy but you’re in love with someone who doesn’t do anal, going without anal is the price of admission. If you’re not into monogamy but you’re in love with someone who insists on it, then monogamy is the price of admission.
Yes, libido will have out—but “libido will have out” doesn’t translate into “Dan ”˜Doesn’t Fuck Women’ Savage says anything and everything goes.” Two people in a long-term, committed relationship should be open and honest with each other about their sexual interests, turn-ons, drives, et cetera, because, yes, libido will have out. Meaning sexual compatibility and sexual satisfaction have a huge impact on the health of our relationships and marriages, Maggie, particularly if your spouse is your sole source of sexual satisfaction and release. People who can be open and honest with their partners—whether the relationship is monogamous or not—are likelier to have their needs met and likelier to meet their partners’ needs. And when needs are met, people are less likely to cheat and more likely to stay married.
Openness and honesty don’t automatically translate into everyone gets everything everyone wants. Not all needs can be met. But sometimes just having the sacrifices we’ve made for the good of our marriages acknowledged—getting a receipt after paying the price of admission—is good enough. Getting some credit for going without anal, along with the green light to jerk off to anal porn now and then, can make going without anal easier. Indeed, it can make going without anal virtuous, something that speaks well of the going-without-anal partner’s character and priorities.
But there are times when monogamy—its pressures, its discontents, its unquestioned acceptance—can destroy an otherwise decent marriage.
Take PATH’s marriage. If his wife doesn’t come around—if her libido doesn’t kick back into gear after mental or medical intervention—this couple is surely headed for divorce. PATH is not only feeling depressed and resentful, he’s also contemplating an affair (even if he’s in the dismiss-that-idea stage). Sooner or later, he’s going to cheat or walk. But this marriage, a marriage that works on every other level (“parenting, money, religion, politics, et cetera.”), could be saved if Mr. and Mrs. PATH were encouraged to openly and honestly discuss their sexual needs and their sexual disconnect. If Mrs. PATH is done with sex—for now, perhaps forever—Mr. and Mrs. PATH should be encouraged to come to a reasonable, mutually agreeable accommodation, one that allows for Mr. PATH to get his needs met elsewhere if that’s what he needs to stay sane and stay married.
I’m not sure what to call someone who places a higher value on preserving monogamy within a particular marriage over preserving that marriage itself, Maggie, but I wouldn’t call that person a defender of marriage.
Download the Savage Lovecast (my weekly podcast) at www.straight.com. E-mail: mail@savagelove.net.
Comments
22 Comments
Yoda (Read it in my voice!)
Apr 16, 2011 at 2:16pm
Kmack, your second reply was ridiculous. kaur never claimed to be a feminist, and you repeated the false claim that she said anything about a man's "right to have sex" or whatever. Then you made the argument personal and just attacked her character. Learn to debate, or even think, before commenting here please.
PATH's problem is really surprising. Why would a woman not ever, ever want to have sex? And how could any man in a relationship go 2 years without it? At 2 months he should've sought help. Just not from idiots like Kaur, who blame men for all dysfunctions AND also imply that the sex they want is just as "dirty" and "Evil" as the male overlords have told her it is.
Crystal
Apr 17, 2011 at 7:03pm
You couldnt have said it any better Dan.
Open minds & open hearts will keep our species evolving.
i'm so glad we have someone like you trying your best to help people break the shackles of outdated beliefs & patterns that keep us unhappy.
Being flexible for a relationship is sane.
Bending until you break at the expense of yourself is a handmade noose around your neck.
A.
Apr 18, 2011 at 8:12am
You are all so funny....
Path has a serious problem here---there's no intimacy left in his marriage. He and his wife have become business partners. I'm giving him the benefit of the doubt because it sounds like he's a really stand-up guy and that he has a very functional marriage otherwise. So that leaves a few possibilites: the marriage isn't as functional for her and she's unsatisfied, he's no longer attractive, or she no longer feels attractive.
I doubt his wife was ever brainwashed into thinking women are dirty and sex is bad or anything of the sort. People typically enjoy sex...Path did, and I hope she enjoyed it with him if she married him and had kids.
If I had to take a guess (and take my words with a grain of salt), I'd bet that she just doesn't feel attractive anymore and her libido is gone. She's getting older and has had kids. She just might not have the confidence to feel sexy after all of that. If it's true, it's a shame and they should seek help.
Just a thought. I don't think anyone's to blame for the problem. I could try to blame society or media for propagating such female body issues, but who's to say afterall? Seek help. Nothing to lose in doing so if your marriage is on the rocks.
metoo
Apr 18, 2011 at 8:34pm
I read the article with interest - as someone who has attempted to broach this subject with others before. My questions and observations suggest that the vast majority of couples go through this very problem. Extrapolating upon some actual research I read it seems that there could be an average of four years of loss of libido for the woman in a long term relationship. My feeling is that this inevitably comes post-procreation. It may be any number of reasons social - I certainly don't know, or biological (done with that mate need to give him up and look for another ..) but I will leave that to Desmond Morris et al.
Path is seeking to remain in his relationship, I applaud his decision. I have done likewise; I am devoted to my kids and cannot accept that either my wife or I would have any less access to them as now, I also believe (very strongly) that two adults are better than one in socialising kids to maturity. We took the deicision to have kids together and we will continue to bring them up as a team. Unfortunately I have an active libido and my wife has not. The very idea of a some form of 'accommodation' has me reeling - I cannot see how that would not tear such a relationship apart. Surely a loving monogamous man can only have a successful accommodation by having a loving monogamous relationship hence losing that which he wants to retain.
Sorry but I don't believe there is an answer. Many have trod the way before, it is so painful (to masculinity or femininity) that none seem to wish to speak of it. Truly taboo. A glance at the incomprehensible divorce rates of couples with young kids is, I believe, a testimony, not to sleepness nights (they happen most with babies) but the lack of sexual activity, and an inabilty to 'discuss' around the issue. How can this be discussed? Low libido is perfectly natural, it is the change from an understood and enjoyed level of desire to a debilitatingly lower level that is the problem.
There are no medications available (think about how they would be misused if there were), there is no counselling either. If Path's wife is anything like mine she knows that there has been a change and would do anything to have it reversed. Faking sexual desire might work in the movies but between long-term loving couples it is a lie that both recognise and it disgusts them.
Involuntary celebacy or break-up, Path needs to make a choice. As Mr Savage points out 'libido will have out' and if nothing has changed in your sex life after a change in other aspects of your life together (e.g. when parenting is no longer an issue and the kids have left) maybe a rethink will be in order. I have had over 9 years of this so far. It gets easier but it isn't nice. In 9 years my kids will be adults. That's when I will revisit this issue.
All the very best to you.
Knot4You
Apr 18, 2011 at 11:29pm
metoo has expressed very succinctly, the devastation this very common problem can have on a family and marriage. There is no blame to be placed, this is not a feminist/chauvinist issue. This could be a biological, psychological, or medical issue, or a combination of all three.
Why do people wait until the roof blows off the house before they decided to repair the loose shingle? I believe Dan is correct in his assessment of the situation, however, that does not mean this situation has to end with an affair or divorce. Seek professional help, find out the cause of the lack of libido and start there. For all of the other couples facing challenges in their relationship, don't wait until the flood waters reach the eaves of the house before calling 911, this never should have gone on for such a long time before it was addressed in the first place.
I Camp
Apr 19, 2011 at 4:59pm
I think that the suggestion to find the source of the dysfunction is the only one that counts. Dan, why did you have to make a simple answer so complicated? Why did you have to make it "all about your stuff"? PATH deserved better from you Dan, I think you know it too.
kaur
Apr 19, 2011 at 8:55pm
I'm thrilled that there's some discussion on this topic. I'm with I Camp, in that finding the source of dysfunction is the most important one that counts. This involves speaking up to find out what's wrong.
Okay, maybe I got on my soap box like Dan did in this week's column but I still contend that feminists make speaking up difficult for men. I hope that my one-on-one with one clearly showed that. Having that conversation was worth the price of admission (play on the word admission)
A.
Apr 19, 2011 at 10:50pm
This has nothing to do with feminists!
Feminism is about equality between men and women. How does this make anything hard for men? We STILL live in a largely male dominated society, so surely the few radical feminist sects aren't going to make men shaky in the knees whenever they want to say something. I'm willing to bet Path's wife isn't a radical feminist acting out misandrous fantasies on him.
kaur
Apr 20, 2011 at 6:31am
A – Since you asked...
Feminism ideally should be about equality for men & women but it has become about a struggle to maintain their power and relevancy at the expense of men in an increasingly egalitarian society. Radical feminists are at the forefront of the modern day feminist movement and their passion, rage and Machiavellian tactics have made them a force to be reckoned with in N American. They hold positions of power and authority like in the media, education, policy development etc. that is incredibly influential in shaping the way we think. Their presence is insidious. When we’re constantly given info that implies that women are always victims and men are brutes and they are what is wrong with our society, we end up believing it and it impacts the way we live our life. If we try to defend or counter this assertion, well, maybe you can go back to the comments above to see how they can make it difficult. This is a common occurrence because radical feminists are well mobilized to police anything that goes against their agenda.
If I were a man, I would be ”˜shaky in the knees’ when considering ”˜speaking up’ because they live in an environment that doesn’t respect or understand their needs or issues (especially in regards to their sexuality) but rather undermines it.
slaydragons
Apr 20, 2011 at 12:59pm
The simplest solution I can suggest for couples in Path's situation is try something new with open minds. I come from a very similar problem where my libido is off the charts, but my girlfriend's has already started to wane significantly. We've only been together for 3 years, but we're both still under 24 so it terrifies me to imagine how our sex would be if we had kids as evidenced by Path's article. What kept me from straying/cheating was my determination to remain in a healthy, functioning relationship with someone I truly care and love. I am still so young, and given my age sex is easy to come by which is why I was unprepared to deal with the issue of having a partner with a waning libido, diving well below my minimal needs. To get back to my original point, I decided to approach the subject of my sexual needs, and had many lengthy discussions on what could be done. The answers were almost the same each time as she just admits sex just wasn't doing it for her, or she doesn't feel it, or there's simply no desire to. If that sounds familiar, don't panic, because if both partners are committed to keeping the relationship alive, then we fall back on Dan's tried but true formula for successful partners: GGG. While my girlfriend had no interest in having sex, I convinced her that she should still keep an open mind about it, and put in the effort to making it work. While the sex wasn't amazing at first, there was a definite improvement in the connection I felt for her. Taking small steps, she tried being more proactive with sex. While she still felt disinterested, her efforts were greatly appreciated which really relaxed my needs as each session became more meaningful and fulfilling. All this improved simply because my girlfriend recognized that I had issues with our previous arrangement and followed up by being committed to the relationship. Having a low libido is no excuse in my opinion to rejecting the needs of your partner. It's exactly like how we tell children that they must eat their veggies if they plan on growing stronger, and staying healthy. Sure, kids may not like it, and they may make faces as they eat it, but sure enough, they will eat it eventually if they want the benefits of a healthy diet. It may feel like a sacrifice for people who have little to no interest in sex for any number of reasons, but if you want to stay in a monogamous relationship with your partner, that's simply something you have to overcome one way or another. People simply give up too easily, or in Path's case, stop trying.