News for Youse: Kesler’s marble ass, Canada’s hate-on for Red Bull, and IKEA’s evil plot

Behold the taut, golden skin, fearsome flank, and proud buttock of man-God Ryan Kesler. The Canucks centre is still sidelined with a hip injury, but that never stopped anyone from being sexy (just ask my grandmother!) Hence this picture for ESPN Magazine, taken recently in Mordor. We figured you might as well see it here first.

In other Mordor news, congratulations to Palestine, which has received preliminary approval to join the United Nations Educational, Scientific and Cultural Organization (UNESCO). Membership in UNESCO allows Palestine to seek the protection of historical sites, some of which—oopsies!—are in occupied east Jerusalem. You’ll never believe this, but the US opposed the decision and threatened to withdraw its sizeable contribution to UNESCO’s budget. Palestine is also seeking full recognition as a state by the United Nations Security Council.

Did you ever stop to wonder about the impact of energy drinks on the mid-east peace process? Of course you didn’t, but a segue is a segue: new rules for beverages like Red Bull and Monster will be announced this morning by Federal Health Minister Leona Aglukkaq.

After conducting a long study, a panel of experts that possibly included Simon Cowell, top model Tyra Banks, and former New Kid on the Block Donny Wahlberg recommended that the sale of energy drinks to minors should be prohibited. An official from the ministry said, “Let’s not get carried away, assholes,” or something to that effect, promising instead that the government would deliver “a balanced plan” that will “ focus on giving parents and all people more information."

But, the panel went on to whine, “the effects on teenagers, and the effects of the drinks when mixed with alcohol, have not been properly explored.” Apparently, the panel is unaware that we’ve been exploring the living shit out of those effects every night on Granville Street for years.

In fake Nazi news, Lars Von Trier is still apologizing for his admittedly dumbass comments at Cannes last summer when he said he “understands Hitler.” But now the renowned filmmaker has actually been questioned by Danish police under the premise that he might have broken France’s hate-speech laws. Ironically, Von Trier has never been questioned about his career-long pathological hatred of women, but whatever. Von Trier subsequently announced that he would no longer make any public statements or give interviews.

In not quite so fake Nazi news, IKEA’s dastardly plot to poke your kid’s eyes out was foiled when the company was forced to recall a product that could poke your kid’s eyes out. Thousands and thousands of little BUSA kiddie tents should be making their way back to base camp after it was found that they had wires protruding out of them, probably dipped in a paralyzing nerve-agent.

You can follow Adrian Mack's contribution to the lobotomizing techno-nightmare known as Twitter at @AdrianMacked.