News for Youse: Celebrity drugs, Miley’s penis cake, and Lego orbiters

As we all know, people become celebrities almost entirely because they want access to better drugs, so why on earth is Demi Moore inhaling nitrous from a whipped cream canister?

“A whip-it is not a common drug among people of Demi's age and social status,” wrote TMZ yesterday, trying to conceal its relish with very, very sober language while revealing that Moore had been hitting the budget anaesthetic after having her Kutcher removed. “It's typically used by younger people who are looking for a cheap thrill.”

So many things wrong here. Firstly, it’s much less fiddly and expensive if you just clip the chain on one of those big-ass nitrous tanks you can find in your dentist’s parking lot.

Secondly, if you really want to send yourself to the emergency ward at the age of 49 over the kind of thing that typically happens to a 15-year-old at a Prince George pit-party, you combine the nitrous with T-3s and some Pam huffed out of a Safeway bag—that is the only certain way of “passing through the membrane”, as the experience is known around these parts (you’ll know it when it happens).

In other drug-related tales, the meed-ja is abuzz at the news, revealed yesterday, that cops in Sierra Blanca, Texas, arrested that asshole and his twin brother from the movie The Social Network in November for marijuana possession.

As industry insiders know, unless you’re Seth Rogen and your last picture did decent box-office, cops in Texas are sending you and your purple kush the fuck down. They did it to Willie Nelson, they did it to Snoop, and it appears they did it to Armie Hammer (and his brother).

News for Youse has some special insight into this. When some asshole at the Straight asked singer Ryan Bingham about Nelson’s bust in 2010, Bingham said, “It’s a bunch of bullshit. These gung-ho fuckin’ cops. I think he got pulled over somewhere out by, like, El Paso. I think that’s where they send all the cops that fuck up. They leave ‘em out in the middle of the desert... It’s bullshit.”

Hear that? Bullshit! Asked if El Paso is like Sam Peckinpah’s The Getaway says it is (ie. crazy, violent, and full of Steve McQueen getting shot at), Bingham replied grimly, “That’s exactly what it’s like.”

November 2010 was also the month that gave us Bob Miley-gate, when Miley Cyrus celebrated her 19th birthday by eating a Bob Marley-shaped cake and screaming, “I’m a pothead!” at any journalist she could find, or even just a passerby with a phone who might have looked like a journalist. Or even just a passerby (she’s a trooper).

And then that video appeared showing her smoking salvia divinorum out of a bong. Plus, she became a filthy communist hippie freedom-hater, like any dope fiend. (Either that or she’s a sleeper agent for Dinsey—misspelling deliberate). Now, pictures have emerged of the bottomed-out former child-star mauing down on her boyfriend’s penis… cake.

What is it with Miley and revealing all her worst and most private secrets in cake form? Why not a diary for that shit? Is there a name for this condition, and is the business half of Billy Ray’s hair going to talk to his out-of-control daughter about going down on a penis-cake with an open jelly-sore on it?

To take your mind off all this nastiness, here’s the video of the Lego man two drug-free Toronto teens sent into space two weeks ago.