News for Youse: Privacy, piracy, Linsanity, neutrinos, and you

So, remember how earlier in the month Vancouver was patting itself on the back because the first person was finally sentenced in relation to the 2011 Stanley Cup riot? Yeah, well, the U.K.’s already sentenced over a thousand people in relation to the riots that swept the country in August 2011. So, um, suck it, Vancouver.

News for Youse would like to be completely honest about something: we really don’t know much about this Jeremy Lin guy, apart from the fact he’s apparently one hell of a balla. (Even more honest: when we first heard the term ‘Linsanity’, we thought “Lindsay Lohan must be on one hell of a bender if the press if giving it a nickname.”) However, news has surfaced that the legal team for pro-basketball’s newest darling has filed a trademark application for the term “Linsanity” on February 13, which now returns around 5,700,000 results on the ol ’Google-a-tron. Oh, but, surprise twist! Lin is one of a bunch of people clamouring to trademark “Linsanity”; Lin’s lawyers were actually filed application number three. Lin’s agent also filed a trademark application on February 14, which makes us think that Americans will attempt to cash in on anything.

(Other evidence: 16 and Pregnant, Teen Mom, the reality television genre in its entirety, Donald Trump, McDonalds coffee lawsuits, “celebrity” sex tapes, and 9/11 memorial T-shirts.)

Kids, this is disappointing. We told you back in September, and then again in November that those scientist nerds at CERN had finally broken the speed of light. Well, the team has labouriously (get it?) rechecked its findings and has found that maybe there were some problems with the equipment and maybe those neutrinos they blasted didn’t actually travel fasters than light after all. At this point, this neutrino experiment needs more disclaimers than a cup of McDonalds coffee.

In case you care, no, men are not going to go extinct. Really? This was a legitimate worry? We all know that the last human in existence is going to be a dude, and he will greet our alien/machine/zombie overlords the same way: by trying to pee on them. Don’t get us wrong: chivalry died years ago. But the plucky Y chromosome will continue to persist.

Ahoy mateys! The U.S. has once again placed Canada on its priority piracy watch list, complaining that we really have our heads up our asses on issues of Internet copyright. Also, our trademark law sucks. Of course, maybe that’s just because no one’s filed to trademark “Linsanity” here yet.

Christopher Isaac (Biz) Stone, one of the founders of Twitter, has declared that people who spend too many of their waking hours on the social-networking site really should stop. “Look, tweeps, we wanted you to share your lives, intimate details, and fart jokes with each other, but 12 hours a day is totally excessive. Hmm, I should go tweet that right now. And let my followers know just how outraged I am at the idea that I’m merely some technology-addicted slob who hasn’t seen the outside world in 36 months. Sunshine on my face? That’s just a vague memory from a distant time where we weren’t all connected to each other 24/7 and I LOVE LEADER TWITTER.”

And finally, ToewsWatch 2012 (copyright pending): in case you missed it, Anonymous leaked the deets about his mistress, and a group of plucky Lower Mainlanders showed up at a fundraiser he was holding in Richmond to protest Toews’s very existence, as well as the existence of Bill C-10, Bill C-30 (of which Toews doesn’t even really know the contents), and, of course, drug prohibition.

Dudes, just legalize it already.

Follow Miranda Nelson on Twitter, but then try to leave your house for five minutes today, okay?