News for Youse: James Cameron discovers water deposits in ocean, and Canada says yes to bawdy houses

It seems like a hell of way to promote Titanic 3D, but James Cameron completed the first ever solo dive to the floor of the Mariana Trench this morning.

The filmmaker and reigning King of the World folded his Larry Bird-like frame into a specially designed submersible called the Deepsea Challenger and plunged seven miles beneath the surface of the Pacific Ocean where— for three wonder-filled hours—his eyes beheld fuck all.

“The impression to me, it was very lunar, a very desolate place, very isolated,” Cameron told reporters, adding that the only creatures he saw down there were inch-long amphipods.

Spectators at Richmond’s Sportstown had to keep their inch-long amphipods concealed on Friday during the tryouts for the BC Angels, one of five new Canadian teams to enter the Lingerie Football Association. Players were tested for skill, speed, and the likelihood that they’ll fall out of their bra when they’re sacked.

The Angels are set to debut in the stern Amish community of Abbotsford this summer.

At the opposite end of the enlightenment spectrum, the Court of Appeal for Ontario has ended Canada’s ban on brothels. The landmark decision came in early this morning, reversing provisions on brothels and living on the avails of prostitution that have existed since men had twirly mustaches and wore bloomers during boxing competitions (a third provision prohibiting soliciting in the street was not reversed).

The decision isn’t only a victory for sex trade workers, who can now work indoors and hire appropriate support staff. By lifting the ban on “bawdy houses”, the court has also presented welcome employment opportunities for old time piano players in stripy red vests.