Login / RegisterI put coins in expired parking meters. All the time. Yes, that's me. You're welcome. Though I'm not doing it to help anybody out.
News for Youse: Fear of hackers, zombies on rise, terrorism seems less scary now
Anyone who knows anything about zombies knows that, in a real emergency, local road signs will have the most up-to-date information about current undead conditions.
How prepared are you for a zombie infestation? The B.C. government thinks “not nearly prepared enough” (and why would you be, seeing as they are fictional creatures?). (Sorry if that ruined any mystery for you.)
But our government, that paragon of efficiency, has launched a website detailing what citizens are to do in case of an emergency zombie situation. It’s mostly a tongue-in-cheek way to draw the population’s attention to how to receive information during real emergencies—earthquakes, tsunamis, truckloads of puppies escaping onto the highway. But these tips concern us. Tip number one should not be to ensure your gas tank is always half-full; everyone knows the first rule of a zombie invasion is cardio, cardio, cardio.
Next time, we suggest the B.C. government hire someone a little more in tune with the common tropes of the genre before launching such an irresponsible website. Gas in your car? You don’t want to be driving if there are zombies around; they are attracted to loud noises. This is all a moot point, though, considering a new study has found Americans are more afraid of cyberwarfare than they are of terrorism. Protecting government computers against hackers is far more important to citizens than chasing down those rascally al-Qaeda characters. How did that even happen? Did the propaganda machine completely shut down? Or is it working a little too well? What’s the advantage to setting up the computer-literate as the new pariahs? And does anyone else have a sudden urge to watch Hackers?
You know what doesn’t help? When people like Chris Doyen, allegedly a member of Anonymous, allegedly tells Postmedia News juvenile crap like this: “Right now we have access to every classified database in the US government. It’s a matter of when we leak the contents of those databases, not if.”
Bro, I’m totally scared right now. How's that virginity treating you?
Hmmm, maybe the citizens are right to be afraid. We mean, this guy’s building a fully functional tracking and shooting turret from the game Portal.
It’s equal parts awesome and terrifying, which is really how we prefer to live out our days. Now excuse us; we have to go put our tongue in a light socket.
Follow the constantly vigilant Miranda Nelson on Twitter.
It was only a few weeks ago that we found ourselves cornered by zombies. Fortunately, we were able to soak rags (just Old Navy crap, so don't worry) in gasoline, then stuff them into half-empty bottles of vodka (just Smirnoff, so don't worry) and create Molotov Cocktails.
When the zombies arrived, they demanded to know why there were no pickled onions in the Molotov Cocktails. Naturally, we argued that the original Molotov had olives, not onions, and it went back and forth like that for a while. Eventually, the zombies said they would settle for olives, but we didn't have any of those either. Man, were they MAD!!
The next time I go anywhere, I will have a half-full tank of gas and a jar of olives (or onions), that's for sure.
Miguel