News for Youse: The cosmic significance of the transit of Venus explained
Please spare a thought for Taber as you gaze upon this morning’s panorama of awfulness and silently pray, ‘Oh, the horror. Oh, what a fucking cesspool. Oh, how I wish a mighty wind would come and lay low the mountains of the earth.’
Because—in what is clearly the opening salvo in a war waged by God or possibly climate change against our tar-sandiest province—the little Southern Albertan town was kissed (and it felt like a hit) by a series of tornadoes yesterday, funneling trees, roadside corn stands, and Margaret Hamilton into their herculean vortices.
Poor Taber, having to adjust to its new place inside an evolving apocalyptic storm corridor while Canadian media treats the event with a lot disingenuous guff about “weird summer weather.” It’s just weird summer weather, as random and delightful and absurd as all that weird human behaviour out there.
Take, for instance, Luka Magnotta. No, really. Take him, and his brain-damaged little fanclub—we’re done. In an accelerated culture of sociopathic LULZ, it took a scant eight days between the unboxing of a real human foot at Conservative HQ (God, I wish I could have seen that) and the appearance of a fake rubber one on a Montreal street earlier today. Police were tipped off by the whirring sound from a servo-motor as it inched itself along the sidewalk. That and the words ACME Fake Rubber Murder Foot stamped on the side.
Speaking of awesome practical jokes, a teacher and principal reportedly LOL’d along with a gang of nasty little fuckers who pranked two schoolkids into eating moose shit on a field trip, recently. The CBC reports that disciplinary action has been handed down to three staff members at the Manitoba school.
Meanwhile, over at Michigan State University, researchers used eye-catching little electrode festooned skullcaps to demonstrate that “the brains of anxious girls work harder than boys.” This, according to the experts, provides a step in understanding why women are more prone to developing anxiety disorders.
What they don’t point out is the centuries old scientific tradition of dicking around with and colonizing women’s bodies out of some vast and sublimated primal fear of the feminine—but then, you can only say so much in one little study.
In any event, this might explain why “MSU researchers are now investigating whether estrogen… may be to blame for the increased brain response,” (our emphasis) rather than considering the possibility that an increase in anxiety disorders is actually due to the effect of an external and truly psychotic social-economic-political superstructure, and not because women are built all wrong and need to be fixed with pills.
With all that in mind, we at News for Youse are therefore hoping that yesterday’s transit of Venus might actually symbolize a fundamental shift in human consciousness, the rebirth and ascent of the feminine oversoul, and a cosmic smiting of the masculine death lust that drives us towards species extinction and woefully confused experiments conducted by the Michigan State University.
Yeah, probably not.