The Spigot: Jason Kenney gets macho while the Stampede decides Quebec should separate

Jason Kenney is awesome. Every time he does something daft, which is all the time, the story is always accompanied by a picture of the Immigration minister staring helplessly into the distance like a brain-damaged mook, the reflection from his gold purity ring playing delicately on a tiny bead of spittle clinging to his top lip. Have you noticed that?

Anyway, in today’s edition of Kenney Watch, we turn our attention to his website, where—among all those twitpics he posted from last night’s pajama party (members only section)—Kenney decided to host a petition dedicated to his own magnificence.

“We, the undersigned, thank Jason Kenney for his efforts to streamline benefits afforded to refugees claimants under the Interim Federal Health Program (IFHP),” reads the petition. “We don’t think that smuggled migrants and bogus asylum claimants should be getting better health care benefits than Canadian seniors and taxpayers…”

Kenney’s mission to suspend healthcare for refugees might be nasty, inhumane, and fundamentally anti-Canadian, but you gotta admire the way the guy takes a deficit—in this case the two rudimentary gonads tucked like a tiny silk cocoon beneath his tender weenis—and transmutes it into something like a crusade against any one weaker or more vulnerable than himself. We also hope he makes a habit of referring to himself in the third person.

As the MP for Calgary Southeast, we assume Kenney approves of the Calgary Stampede’s decision this weekend to ditch the French part of the Canadian anthem, which Stampede officials play before each night’s thrilling chuck wagon race. Speaking to the Calgary Herald, a spokecritter for the Stampede blamed the rubes in the stands.

“Our community said they wanted to be able to show their patriotism during the anthem and that’s why we made the decision to go back to the English version,” he said. Then he belched, scratched his rudimentary nuts, cracked a Coors Lite, and defiantly drove his blue Chevy Suburban to the Longhorn Saloon for an evening of line-dancing to George Canyon and difficult white sex.

Speaking of difficult white sex, the Vatican is very upset with German magazine Titanic for a July cover depicting Pope Benedict with a big pee stain on his dress. Reads the headline: “Hallelujah in the Vatican—the leak is found.” Responding to the threat of a lawsuit, Titanic’s publishers said that the stain was just “lemonade.” (Which Vatican officials use to lure children into their network of dungeons? Okay, SORRY!)

It’s the Devil’s work, obviously. Which brings us to Arthur Spiggot, aka Lucifer, the Unholy One, as portrayed by the great Peter Cook in the film Bedazzled. In Cook’s interpretation, Lucifer is a petty-minded arsehole as much as anything else, as we see in this clip, here. Anyway, we bring it up because we’d like to introduce today’s name for our orphaned column—The Spigot. For some reason, The Dutch Oven just didn’t take.

You can follow Adrian Mack's contribution to the lobotomizing techno-nightmare known as Twitter at @AdrianMacked.