And our cup runneth over. There is so much idiotic, contumely, and eyeball spinning outrage in today’s news that we fear the Spigot might break. Who or what could bear a load so great? Besides Ron Jeremy, of course. We begin today’s round-up with the man known to his Santa Monica urologist as “my newest car” with the amazing revelation that Jeremy was involved—get this—in a sting operation last year designed to catch Luka Magnotta.
Here’s the story: an animal rights group in New York called Rescue Ink—its members include “police officers, military personnel and tattooed ‘street guys’ ” (I’m already getting nervous)—enlisted the Barbi Twins and the Hedgehog in a plan to apprehend the cat-killing porno wannabe at a fake XXX shoot in L.A. Jeremy’s job was to pose as the director and cast Magnotta in a new film.
We’re not totally clear on what was supposed to happen to Magnotta once he was nabbed by the police officers, military personnel, and tattooed "street guys" of Rescue Ink, but it doesn’t matter. For the first time in his life, Jeremy got “cold feet” and pulled the plug on the whole crazy caper. “That’s a little bit out of my league, don’t you think?” he said in an interview published today.
Jeremy has appeared in over 2,000 adult movies, hangs out with Lars Ulrich and Corey Feldman, and even went tip-to-tip with Nardwuar one time, but making a bogus phone call is out of his league? Maybe if they’d asked him to shove the phone up his ass while a silicone’d mannequin or two went pee-pee on his face and a porno-dwarf bobbed up and down on his million-dollar wang, Jeremy might have mustered up a little nerve.
Remaining for the time being in Babylon, Jeremy’s friend Charlie Sheen is claiming that he can see dead people. "When my friend Zalman King died, I went to comfort his widow, Pat,” he tells Playboy this month. “We were making a toast and I saw Zalman, who'd been dead for four hours, dance through the background. It was a trip.''
With our decades of dedicated and independent research into the paranormal and other border events, the Spigot has submitted Sheen’s claims to rigorous, careful, and open-minded scrutiny and come to the sober and expert conclusion that nobody on earth reads Playboy magazine. Lots of people play video games, though. Lots of angry, bent, psychologically unwell people if Anita Sarkeesian’s recent experiences are any indication.
A blogger whose work has included exposing misogyny in the gaming world, Sarkeesian was repeatedly attacked on her Wikipedia and YouTube pages before a homemade game inviting players to beat the shit out of her appeared online. A report in today’s G***e and M**l goes on to describe how a Toronto woman outed the game’s designer on Twitter and subsequently received the message—and this is one of the nicer ones—“You’re fucking dead, bitch.”
The Spigot realizes that our developed world is a liberal Shangri-La of sensitivity, education, and uninterrupted social progress, and of course we’ll always be better than “those people”, but the woman-hating sure does run deep, don’t it? Maybe we oughta send in NATO.
You can follow Adrian Mack's contribution to the lobotomizing techno-nightmare known as Twitter at @AdrianMacked.