Here’s a fun-filled, dead-accurate, completely scientific way to confirm that you are an unrepentant, flaming asshole: you support Mitt Romney’s bid for the White House.
What’s funny about this is that it’s hard to dislike the man himself, even if he once drove 12 hours on a road trip with his Irish setter, Seamus the defecating dog, strapped to the roof of his Chevrolet Caprice station wagon. It’s his fans who are the problem.
Based on what we’ve seen in the presidential debates with reigning U.S. Commander-In-Chief Barack Obama, Romney isn’t terribly detestable. In fact, it’s hard not to feel a little sorry for him, mostly because he seems so uncomfortable in his own skin. Actually, uncomfortable is too mild a word. What he looks like is a man being subjected to a rectal exam where Bea Arthur is doing the probing with a strap-on and lube mixed with crushed coral.
What makes you an asshole for rooting for Romney is the company you’re keeping. Remember how, in high school, there was the table full of cool kids and the table full of nerds? If you’re for Romney, you aren’t at either, but instead sitting with the complete fucking dicks and douches: the guys and girls that no one likes, including their grandparents. Want to see Mitt Romney in the White House? So does the professional redneck and general shit-stain on humanity known as Hank Williams Jr. The man also known as Bocephus told an Iowa State Fair crowd this past August, “We’ve got a Muslim president who hates farming, hates the military, hates the U.S., and we hate him.” By we, he was referring, of course, to the kind of intolerant hicks who would stand there and listen to the feeble-minded rantings of Hank Williams Jr. at a state fair.
Old Bocephus’s problem has long been that he appears to be about five cans shorts of a six-pack. Right-wing lunatic Ted Nugent seems, on the other hand, simply certifiably nuts. When he isn’t out killing mountain lions, black bears, groundhogs, sacred white buffalo, and your niece with his crossbow, the Nuge is on some sort of God-sanctioned mission to make Megadeth’s Dave Mustaine look sane.
Nugent, who’s been musically irrelevant since, well, forever, issued the following statement a while back: “If Barack Obama becomes the president in November again, I will either be dead or in jail this time next year.” That, amazingly, tops the time that he declared, “[I get a] full predator spiritual erection” from hunting “bear, lions, coons, housecats, escaped chimps, small children, scared women and everything else that can be chased and/or hunted”.
If America have ever needed a reason to vote Democrat, the hard-rock never-was has just given it to them.
Not everyone pimping Romney is a batshit-crazy glorified caveman. Donnie and Marie Osmond are both on the Republican bus, presumably because, as fine, upstanding Mormons, they’d love to see America returned to a family-values society where fucking your nine wives is strictly for making babies.
Same goes for lifelong religious dingbat Pat Boone, who remains of the opinion that Obama was born in Kenya and presumably ought to go back there. On the creepy-old-men front, you’ve got both Gene Simmons and Joe Perry pushing for a Romney Revolution. That’s ironic considering the only time their trailer-trash fans show any good old-fashioned American get-up-and-go is when it’s time to fetch another Schlitz from the Airstream bar fridge.
Speaking of cheap-beer buzzes, Kid Rock supports Romney, but we’re going to chalk that up to his being permo-stinko. No such excuses for Charlie Daniels, Lynyrd Skynyrd, or the Oak Ridge Boys, all of whom, based on personal appearance, just plain stink. They appeal to the kind of fans that make you want to haul up stakes and move somewhere more progressive where their kind doesn’t exist. Like North Korea. Or Iran.
Then we’ve got Obama. You know who you’re rolling with when you throw your support behind the acting president of the free world? The short list includes, but is hardly limited to, Lady Gaga, Cee-Lo Green, 50 Cent, the Foo Fighters, Beyoncé Knowles, will.i.am, Stevie Wonder, Justin Timberlake, the Red Hot Chili Peppers, Bruce Springsteen, Madonna, Gwen Stefani, Katy Perry, and Snoop Dogg. Jay-Z is such a fan that he’s just produced a promo video urging people to get out and vote for Obama. Proving that the respect is mutual, said video has Obama praising Jay-Z for his entrepreneurial hustle.
Now, honestly, what table would you rather be sitting at? If the answer is still with the Romney Republican contingent, congratulations, because you’ve already got this year’s Halloween costume taken care of. You’re going out as an asshole. And the best part is that you don’t have to dress up.
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