The good, the bad, and the ugly music of the 2012 holiday season
There’s nothing that will get you hating the holidays quicker and more thoroughly than Christmas music, especially if you’re forced to start listening to it before you’ve wiped off the last of your Halloween makeup. A certain major Canadian retailer decided that there was nothing shoppers would love to hear more on All Saints’ Day than Michael Bolton straining to shit out “Jingle Bell Rock”. That major Canadian retailer was wrong—no one ever wants or deserves to hear that, no matter what day it is—and, bowing to public pressure, held off on the Xmas tunes for a few more weeks. Mind you, Bolton’s constipated stylings probably caused an uptick in sales of Metamucil and ex-lax, so it wasn’t all bad news.
Not all Christmas music is God-awful, of course—just most of it. And because we don’t have lives, we’re only too happy to listen to all the new seasonal releases (that wasn’t another constipation joke, by the way). For your shopping (which is to say, illegal downloading) convenience, we have assigned each of them a visual rating. The things we liked got a wrapped present, the merely serviceable got the utilitarian tighty-whiteys, and the crap got a Charlie Brown tree. Thankfully, Bolton didn’t squeeze out a Christmas disc this year; there’s only so much crap we can handle.