Thoughtless little pig. Those are the infamous (and venomous) words that will forever be Alec Baldwin's greatest legacy. It doesn't matter what kind of Oscar-calibre role he manages to land, because we're always going to remember him as the super-dad who spewed hatred on his 11-year-old daughter's answering machine. It's a shame, too. He seemed to be on the comeback trail–what with that wicked role in The Departed and all. But he blew it.

We've come to expect this kind of behaviour from sleazy actors–Ryan O'Neal, Jon Voight, et cetera–but it now seems like musicians aren't doing much better in the father-figure arena. For every loving Flea, there are a dozen dirty dogs. They're either deadbeats, anger-management ragers, or completely clueless. So I ask you: where have all the rock 'n' roll DILFs gone?

Remember Paul and Linda McCartney traipsing around the world with their children in tow? (Hell, the oldest wasn't even his.) That was hot. Now we have the likes of Rod Stewart. After Child No. 7, the rooster-haired geezer has shown the world that, yes, he's still got some swimmers left in him. Unfortunately, he doesn't have any time to spend with the brats he's already bred. Case in point: Sean Stewart, a little memento from his five-year marriage to Alana Stewart. You only need to watch one episode of Sons of Hollywood to see the results of Rod's neglect. (He won't take Sean's calls half the time and apparently knocks him down whenever he gets the chance.) Consequently, Sean's ADD and low-self-esteem issues run so deep he's only a few emotional-quotient points above a window licker. Sad, really, 'cause he's not bad-looking.

Then we have the public paternity-deniers. There's Mick Jagger and his Brazilian baby, the deal breaker for Jerry Hall. And the granddaddy of them all: Eddie Murphy, with his endless list of illegits that he keeps buying off in hush-hush lawsuits. Now, I'm no fertility expert, but when you screw around on your old lady without a jimmy and nine months later your mistress has a kid that looks an awful lot like you, chances are it's probably yours.

In the case of Murphy (we'll count him as a part-time musician 'cause of his '80s "Party All the Time" atrocity), he's still not taking paternal responsibility for knocking up Scary Spice. Yet, his new lady, Tracey Edmonds, is standing behind him while they await the DNA results. You have to respect a woman who lets the science speak for itself–the next time Eddie's caught getting a hummer from a tranny, she can simply swab for saliva samples before making any rash decisions about whether to kick him to the curb or not.

Now that we've ruled out Liver Lips and Murphy as DILFs, who's left in the standup-dad domain? Well, there's the doting Chris Martin–but he's an adult-contemporary pussy so he doesn't count. And that's not to say there aren't shitty easy-listening dads as well; Lionel Richie didn't exactly do a bang-up job. For months, he denied that Nicole Richie had a problem. Oh yeah, everything's great, Lionel–your walking carcass of a daughter is too weak to swipe her platinum credit card without fainting, but it's all good. Just keep throwing more money at your emaciated "ballerina girl", and those abandonment issues will surely sort themselves out.

It wasn't always this way, though. For a while, kids were the sexiest accessories for aging rockers. Even Nikki Sixx and Tommy Lee rocked their Baby on Board stickers with pride. And we're talking about two men who admitted to wiping their asses with porn mags when they ran out of tickets to the shit show. Actually, on second thought, Mick and Rod don't seem so bad.