Australianisms

Dear Payback Time: Mike Usinger is a very sad, bitter, and jaded rock hack, isn't he? And a poor one at that. What kind of NME ­obsessed wannabe uses the word charisma to describe a band like AC/DC? AC/DC doesn't have charisma--John Lennon and Nelson Mandela have charisma, you fuckwit! And Jet and the Vines? Are you serious? Have you ever seen either band? If you had any relevance you'd know they are both boring as bat shit on-stage. Do you ever read what you write? You were supposed to be reviewing a show by a touring act, not submitting a Grade 7 ­standard essay on Australianisms. Next time you go to a show, why don't you take the time to find out a bit about the band and maybe a thing or two about the country you are bagging on? For example, it's Don Bradman, not Dan. And Powers Bitter went out of production two decades ago. You are probably the only human being on the planet to have backpacked around Australia and not got laid. Could there be any other reason for the grudge?

Dana Nowak

Mike Usinger: Dearest Dana--I'd call you Sheila (isn't that the official Aussie terminology for anyone with a map of Tassie?), except that your unisex moniker makes it impossible to tell if you're a Bruce or a bag. While we're playing guessing games, might you be an apple eater? A top-ender? A gumsucker? You're clearly a true blue ocker, because the name Don Bradman means fuck-all to anyone who's never held a flea-infested koala bear. Your reading skills are a little suspect, because even Blind Freddy could have seen I wasn't implying that the Vines or Jet had charisma. (I've seen them both, as well as AC/DC, and left feeling like someone had just cut the dog in half.) What I was getting at was that Powderfinger doesn't even have the charisma of those bands, which isn't saying much. As for finding out more about Australia, I did a fair dinkum bit of research, starting with six viewings of Crocodile Dundee. I also tried to rent Young Einstein, but Blockbuster only had it on Beta. I then played Rose Tattoo's Scarred for Life twice, learned every pathos-drenched word to "Waltzing Matilda", and sent a $50 cheque to the Australian Adopt-a-Dingo Foundation. And as sure as I've got an awning over the toy shop, none of this made me any more interested in Oz than I was before (or after) attending Powderfinger. Finally, I've never rooted an Australian. You see, I'm holding out for Nicole Kidman, the only slag I've seen from down under who, when it comes to being spunky enough to get nuddy, doesn't carry an NCR rating of 24.

Dana Nowak continues the bolt-lickingly ignorant tradition of refusing to let us know which two CDs she'd like. You can voice your impotent rage by snail mail, by sending an e-mail to payback@straight.com, or by phoning 604-730-7000 and asking for the Payback Time line.