Starring LL Cool J, Jonny Lee Miller, Christian Slater, and Val Kilmer. Rated 14A.

Sure, Finland has given us some swell vodkas, and who doesn't like a good sauna? But the country must also be held responsible for the export of Renny Harlin, the director of such vigorously B-grade, high-body-count thrillers as A Nightmare on Elm Street 4: The Dream Master, Die Hard 2, and other numerically out-of-control epics.

The best thing that can be said about losing 106 minutes to the brain-numbing Mindhunters is that you have a really stellar excuse to grab the nearest bottle of Finlandia afterwards to forget it all. You may need more than a twenty-sixer, though.

The film's splatter-dumb take on Agatha Christie's Ten Little Indians puts an elite group of FBI trainee profilers on an isolated island for a hunt-the-faux-serial-killer exercise engineered by their instructor, Val Kilmer-long-locked and inexplicably bizarre-in a virtual cameo role. The seven trainees, plus LL Cool J as a cop, start to get slowly picked off. It takes fatal run-ins with liquid nitrogen, crossbows, and decaffeinated coffee before the profiler wannabes begin to catch on that the killer is, you know, one of them.

Aside from the filmmakers' more serious crimes, most of the actors look too old to be fresh-scrubbed FBI keeners. "We all have skills," someone notes brightly as they struggle to puzzle out how they're each being targeted. But plausible acting isn't among those skills. Under Wayne Kramer and Kevin Brodbin's nitro-frozen script and Harlin's paint-by-gory-numbers direction, the hapless pupils simply draw their guns and follow ticking timepieces to mark their next date with death. They never duck when the dominoes start falling, nor do they remember that smoking is hazardous to your health.

It's not just that the plot is utterly implausible or that everyone's back stories are clichéd and pointless; from the moment they first stroll onto murder island, Mindhunters already feels utterly bored with itself. Early on, Kilmer's character opines: "Have you noticed it's a really bad feeling here?" It is a really bad feeling here. Now pass the Finlandia.