Two blonde "Gun Girls" write a creepy love letter to AR-15 assault rifles

If you're anything like me, you've probably reached the point where you're constantly confusing "real" "news" with articles from the Onion.

In that spirit, let me present today's "too unbelievable to be true but it fucking is" finding: an op-ed from two very blonde, very white women telling U.S. president Barack Obama about their fetish for assault rifles.

On January 23, Audrey Blankenship and Celia Bigelow's creepy love letter to the AR-15 assault rifle was published by the National Review Online.

In it, they claim that, as delicate little helpless pearl-clutching girls, they need as much fucking ammo as they can get to deter all those mythical criminals who are continually breaking into their houses.

A sample:

"Sorry, President Obama. As young women, we prefer an AR-15 “assault” rifle with a 30-round magazine for self-defense.

In fact, we wouldn’t want to be stuck at home without one. In the wake of mass murders like Sandy Hook and the horrific rapes and murders of thousands of women each year, pepper spray, mace, or five-round handheld pistols aren’t going to cut it.

So what’s a girl to do? When choosing our tool for home defense, we want the best — in accuracy, handling, and aesthetics. The best choice by all three criteria is — hands down — the AR-15."

According to these two women, "An AR-15 might be a woman’s best friend."

(I don't know about other ladies, but depending on the day, my best friend is either a cup of coffee or an afternoon nap taken in a puddle of sunshine. Of course, both of these will get me killed if someone breaks into my house, so I suppose I should really look into gun ownership.)

The next day, the "Gun Girls" reinforced their victimhood and need for a big, bad, strong man gun by tittering their way through an interview with Piers Morgan, who pretty much destroyed the pair—and all without firing a single magazine round.

Watch the heart-warming interview below.