Morrissey cancels tour after contracting string of Medieval ailments

We're sending well wishes to Morrissey after the announcement on Friday that the singer has cancelled the rest of a North American tour already beset by health issues.

In a statement, Morrissey was said to be suffering from double pneumonia, a bleeding ulcer, a gastrointestinal problem called Barrett's esophagus, yellow pluck, dingo, the "King's Evil", the withers, the plaint, peat mottle, the dreaded lurgee, thatched fingers and a toothache in his foot.