New Barbie looks like she doesn't live on salted lettuce and horse laxatives

by Mike Usinger on July 4th, 2013 at 3:26 PM

1 of 4 2 of 4

Trust us, we totally feel your pain.

Does anyone enjoy standing in front of the mirror obsessing about the size of their tits? Or wondering why their legs have to look like two fire hydrants with shoes? Or lamenting the fact that their ass looks like someone poured 10 pounds of cooked oatmeal into a sheer nylon. (And, yes, while we’re on the subject, your ass doesn’t just look fat in those jeans—it looks fucking huge).

Such are the miseries of our daily lives. And ladies, all this probably goes for you too.

It’s not helping matters any that we’re constantly being force-fed images of what constitutes the perfect body; you’re ruining our lives Dwayne Johnson, Jennifer Aniston, Ken, and, most of all, Barbie. That’s right, Barbie, not to mention all of her equally freakishly proportioned friends: Christie, Stacey, Whitney, Teresa, Becky, Belinda, Kayla, Devon, Kira, Nia, Shani, Tara Lynn, and Becky.

You know what we’d all have to eat to look like the above? Salted lettuce, tap water, and industrial horse laxatives. That explains why Barbie has long been bashed as an unhealthy role model for kids. Studies have suggested that, when all of her vital statistics are taken into account, the perennially popular fashion plate would have a body mass index of 16.24, which falls under the umbrella of anorexic.

She also lacks enough body fat to menstruate (which, admittedly isn’t a problem, considering that both she and Ken were evidently shopping for clothes when God was handing out the genitalia.)

Luckily, someone has finally done something to make Barbie obsessives feel better about their bodies. Ladies, this goes for you too.

Pittsburgh artist Nickolay Lamm has given the world a redesigned-for-modern-times Barbie. After getting the average proportions for the average 19-year-old American woman from the U.S. Centre for Disease Control, Lamm used the measurements to give Barbie an overhaul. As you’ll see below, the doll now has shorter legs, wider hips, and a head that doesn’t look like an Florida Red Ruby grapefruit on a toothpick.

That’s progress.

Now if only the makers of Bratz would tone things down because, quite frankly, it’s getting to be a real bummer feeling like you can’t go out to a movie without wearing more makeup than a Greenwich Village drag queen. Ladies, that probably goes for you too.

Comments

33 Comments

Tamika B

Jul 4, 2013 at 9:26pm

The newer one looks like she barely has a neck and her rear is TOO big it looks fake and abnormal. They need to increase her neck to make it a little longer which would make it more real and decrease the size of her rear which would then make it look realistic.

Jo

Jul 4, 2013 at 10:35pm

@Tamika, just want to throw out that my rear looks just like that (and I'm an average sized caucasian nineteen year old girl), so I'd say it's on par :) Not to be argumentative, sorry.

Just a girl

Jul 4, 2013 at 11:00pm

The new Barbie looks awesome to me! It's much more realistic and looks better in my opinion too. Her neck may be shorter, but who has a neck as long as the old Barbie anyways? Maybe Africans who wear neck rings, but I've never seen a girl-giraffe in real life. I really think they should quit it with the old doll and move on to a better doll that will help little girls' self esteem. WTG Nickolay!

Reverend Drool

Jul 4, 2013 at 11:15pm

Barbie is the work of the devil!!!!!!!, she must marry a God-fearing guy doll & go to a God-fearing toy church!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Photoshop! Good One!

Jul 4, 2013 at 11:24pm

Um, ..even the hair detail, fabric print / wrinkles are identical! The shorter one has wider jaw bones and isn't on tip toe. What's with the unmodel-like hand limp-pose! But either way, those styles just look 'extra' trampy on an average-width (well, any) body! Don't let your kids copy it in real life.

Amy

Jul 4, 2013 at 11:57pm

I think this is great! I will feel a lot better letting my daughter play with the new barbies.

Nun ya

Jul 5, 2013 at 2:56am

Hey dumb asses this is an artist's work not made by Mattel Barbie has changed in years remember she used to have no hips and double D's but around the year 2000 she got hips and smaller breast her neck is a little to long but the only reason she stands on her tip toes is so she can where her heels how could you put a flet footed doll in heels? Some babies like beach dolls ETC. do have flat feet because they don't have shoes and her body is fine she just look like she works out I'm sure some people do have the so called "new barbie" body but not all girls/ women do look at miley cyrus she's 20 and she's smaller than the new barbie and look and I don't think barbie is 19 anyways my point is every body has different sizes so if mattel did make this new ugly barbie people would still be pitching a fit if y'all want that well then lets make little person barbie and lesbian barbie and obese barbie lets be fair to everybody and the whole ken thing you complain about barbie a size because it could affect your kids well I'm sure they wouldn't be affected by having a grown man doll with a penus and I guess pubes to that's sick who wants to let there kids see that and shut up bout barbie have y'all not heard about monster high the #2 dolls out right now they are as tall as a barbie doll yet have her size so criticize that

JMO

Jul 5, 2013 at 7:03am

Wow, if you are going to rant like that, at least be able to use grammar skills, perhaps a little bit of punctuation, and umm, it's PENIS. Barbie's measurements were not normal. If she was a real person she would have been very underweight. I grew up playing with Barbie and I never had issues to where I felt I wanted to have her body but in the world we live in today, girls are pressured into having the "perfect" body. Being overweight is socially unacceptable and people are bullied relentlessly for it. I think it's great that they've come out with a Barbie that is more average in size. Maybe one day people will quit worrying about what people look like and worry about their own problems instead of everyone else's.

Wahaha! ...Realistic Caricature

Jul 5, 2013 at 9:54am

" After getting the average proportions for the average 19-year-old American woman from the U.S. Centre for Disease Control, Lamm used the measurements to give Barbie an overhaul."

At risk for sounding like a parrot, everyone needs to get off their butts and get active, whether it be work or play. Build something, clean something, organize something, design something, volunteer, take hikes together in nature, whatever! Just keep going.

Both the pill, and the growth hormones allowed in American dairy products, have some place in that average puffy shape too!