Foreign investors wanted: Vancouver City Hall for sale on Craigslist (cash only)

Don't worry, fellow citizens. City Hall isn't really up for sale.

The following Craigslist ad was put up by someone with something to say about Vancouver's housing market.

Vancouver City Hall for sale (Oakridge)

For Sale: Vancouver City Hall. Cash only, please. No Questions asked.

Condition: fair

Vancouver--the Cayman Islands of Real Estate! ™

The Government of British Columbia Inc. ("BC Gov Inc.") is a leading real estate agency and owner of boutique development-region Greater Vancouver™. As the least scrupulous real estate agency in North America, we have a proven record of helping our clients--the global elite--diversify their portfolios and realize above-average return on investment through unfettered real estate speculation. At BC Gov Inc., we believe that "Housing is for Hedge Funds,"™ not humans, and that "community" is merely a feel-good euphemism for "commodity." By willfully neglecting our legal power to curb international real estate speculation in Vancouver, and by failing to prioritize Vancouver residents over international investors, we are actively pursuing our mandate to serve the global elite by "Selling out the Next Generation of British Columbians."™

BC Gov Inc. is now expanding its bordello-like business model to further maximize return on investment for our global clientele. That's right, we have just listed Vancouver's nominal seat of power--City Hall!

Vancouver City Hall, located at 453 West 12th Avenue, would make an excellent addition to any investment portfolio. For maximum convenience, may we suggest leaving it empty while it appreciates in value?

If you are an anonymous international investor with boatloads of cash and no intention of living in or contributing to Vancouver in the long-term, you are just who we are looking for! As the new owner of City Hall, you will be responsible for standing by silently while the local populace is cowed into submission through perpetuation of the following absurdities:

(1) Although the Canadian citizens who currently call Greater Vancouver home are a remarkably diverse group--largely of European, East Asian and South Asian heritage--any policy that prioritizes these citizens over international investors is paradoxically Racist, with a capital R.

(2) Although many nations and cities around the world have enacted common-sense laws to protect residents from international real estate speculation, in Vancouver, we are uniquely and inexplicably unable to do any such thing.

The following "undesirables" need not respond to this offer:

(1) Citizens of modest income who seek to live in, work in, and generally contribute to the city.

(2) The younger generation of Vancouverites, who should stop whining and accept that their living standards will be lower than their parents, because, well. . . Please leave now.

Above all, you must never allow citizens of Greater Vancouver to realize the following:

It is possible to be pro-immigration, pro-multiculturalism, and pro-Canadian citizen, all at the same time; the housing needs of people who wish to live in and contribute to the city's economy and community should be prioritized over the investment needs of the global elite; Vancouverites are the collective owners of this city, and should not be indirectly forced to leave because someone, somewhere, somehow, has a bunch of money; and most importantly, you must never let it be known that British Columbians--as the people ultimately responsible for BC law--can stand up and say "NO."

Please direct all comments and inquires to @christyclarkbc and @MayorGregor via Twitter.