Filmmaker Michael Bay attacked in Hong Kong

Film lovers of the world are experiencing great emotional conflict this morning with the news that director Michael Bay was attacked on the set of the latest Transformers movie.

According to reports, the filmmaker was beaten when he refused to hand over $13,000 to two assailants while on location in Hong Kong. Bay allegedly made his escape by scaling the walls of a garbage-festooned alley, leaping onto a second floor balcony, and bouncing from a rain-filled awning onto the roof of a passing street car while sizzling neon red reflected off its water-streaked windows.

The attackers then took on three police officers before being subdued, arrested, and placed in a high tech panopticon-style prison replete with homoerotic undertones. They're facing charges of blackmail and assault, with a lesser charge of good taste. Film "critic" Armond White is reported to be in shock.

A spokesperson said Bay declined treatment, suffering only a minor injury to his annoying, billion-dollar smirk. Transformers IV: Age of Extinction is scheduled for release in... ah, fuck it, who cares?