Top 10 Georgia Straight confessions of 2013

Since its launch in 2011, I've had a ring-side seat to the Georgia Straight's confessions section, which has become a funny, heartbreaking, supportive, and charming community.

From laments of lost loves and whinges about Vancouver's dating scene to bewildering masturbatory habits and too many stories of pooping gone awry to count, I've read it all in the last 12 months.

I dug through some 246 pages of confessions this afternoon to pick out my 10 favourites of the year. These are not the most popular, poignant, or even properly punctuated; they're just ones that have reduced me to giggles at some point in the last 365 days.

Here they are in no particular order—except for the first one, which is pretty much perfection in my books.

1. Titty Chapeau: Five ways you could receive one.

Five ways you could receive a titty chapeau: A) "excuse me you dropped your hat" you bend over to pick it up and there I am and all of a sudden you have a titty chapeau on your head. 2. You are doing some handy work in your apartment, you are under the sink looking for the water on off and then you go to stand up and there I am and you have a titty chapeau on your head. F) We are walking along the street and I ask you to tie my shoe because it's cold and I feel sick. You bend down on one knee and I lean over and you then have a titty chapeau on your head. D) You are sitting on my couch and I walk over to you and put my titty chapeau on your head. 5. You sleep over and have the best dreams and when you wake up you notice that your head is very comfy and warm. You are wearing my titty chapeau.

(Special shoutout to the sequel, "titty chapeau".)

2. Me and my shark

I get the best bj ever from a rubber toy open mouthed shark that I keep in my bathtub how will I ever find a partner to Do what only that shark can do

3. How I Spent Yesterday Afternoon

If you ever find yourself say, I dunno, babysitting your 6 month old nephew for the afternoon and you VERY unexpectedly get your period only to realize that you left your purse at home and your sister doesn't seem to have any "supplies" on hand (how long does it take to get your period back after childbirth anyways?!)... a size 2 child's diaper may just do the trick. Thankfully they were sitting right there on the bathroom counter 'cause I don't think balled up toilet paper would have held for the entire afternoon (I had no carseat and baby was sleeping so I was really stuck). I opened up the diaper and laid it in my underwear like a pad. Thank goodness I was wearing full cut, fairly tight undies as the diaper was way too small to actually fasten. But it actually stayed in place and worked. And dare I say, it didn't really feel at all much different than a regular pad. Go figure. I found the whole experience very funny, but there is no way I would ever tell anyone in real life (including my sister). So thanks for the diaper, sis! And please stock your bathroom like a regular human being!

4. Distracted yogis

I hate it when my yoga teacher wonders off during savasana to check her emails. What if someone sent her a really cute cat video? We could be lying there forever.

5. Photography 

I used to be really courteous to people trying to take pictures, but now I've decided I need to live my life and can't wait for the hipster with an SLR shooting a bunch of apples for sale like it's the Grand Canyon at Granville Island market. Walking right in front feels so good.

6. Crazy Cat...Man?

I spend most of my summer evenings in Vancouver walking around my neighbourhood looking for cats to pet, and then petting these cats. Usually they get bored and walk away before I do. What this says about my future, I don't know.

7. It wasn't me that farted

Dear Neighbours Recently I have noticed your reticence to approach me. I hope this has nothing do to with our malodorous encounter in the lift; for it was not me that broke wind. The offending fragrance was courtesy of our erstwhile neighbour from PH4. I entered the lift as he was leaving, we exchanged smiles, as one does, though his was disguising a sinister pong. It was only until the doors had closed that the satanic aroma breached my nasal passage. When you entered the lift 1 floor down you may have been labouring under the illusion that I produced the offensive bouquet, however I assure you IT WASN'T ME THAT FARTED! Yours Affectionately Ph2

8. Pigeon punting

I would *never* really kick one, but when I see their entitled jerk faces waddling on the sidewalks, I just want to punt them. SCREW YOU PIGEONS! WHY DON'T YOU GET A JOB!

9. Dog next door!

i want the dog next door to marry my dog. And l think they should give me a dowry. You know some money. l know their dog would be very happy.

10. Embarrassed About How I Met My Husband

I am extremely embarrassed about the way I met my husband to the point where I have a completely made up story when people ask how we met. In reality I was walking across the parking lot at UBC with a girlfriend and he was in a car with a few of his friends and they started to hoot and holler at us. I mean seriously like a pack of dogs in heat. We were so offended that we walked up to their car and gave them a piece of our minds about treating woman with respect. We were walking away and one of them got out of the car and kind of chased us down. He told us we should be flattered that we were getting this type of attention and tried to put his arm around me. I got so angry I kicked him in the groin. Over the next few years at school we started to run into one another and still feeling sorry about kicking him in the groin I agreed to go on a date. It was more out of pity then anything else. One thing led to another and we started to date and after a few years we got married. Its just how we met that's embarrassing.

So, loyal Confessions readers, what was your favourite post of the year? Let us know in the comments below!

Comments (3) Add New Comment
seen it all
good selection...love "confessions".

btw thought "Wong everything but the person" posted on Dec 24. is amazing-
keep reading it over and over-it's my fav.
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Just me
I like, 9. Dog next door! Why you ask? I think the person is single, unemployed, and witty. Or married, poorly employed and uneducated. What's a dowry? Really? hahahhahahah
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Mr. Smith
The titty chapeau and the Shark ones are fall on the floor funny!!! Ha ha ha!!!
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Rating: +6
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