As everyone who lives on the west side of Vancouver knows all too well, East Van is a dangerous place. So, dangerous, in fact, that it’s marked with a giant glowing tombstone-like cross that serves as a warning: enter at your own fucking peril.
There’s the Clark Park gang. There’s Victoria Park, which isn’t so much a park as a full-blown drunk-hobo shitshow. There’s that bottle picker lady with the cart straight out of The Road Warrior, who thinks nothing of marching into your backyard at midnight, standing on your back porch, and rummaging through your blue box for Pabst Blue Ribbon cans, evidently too goddamn thick to figure out that they were bought in America ($9 for an 18-can pack!!) and are therefore not worth a plug-penny on this side of the border. And there’s Milan Lucic, who has vowed to beat the crap out of practically everyone he sees next hockey season.
How tough is East Van? Well, let’s just say that you can’t even throw out your garbage without someone threatening to hunt you down and rip you a new poop chute. Check out the sign above from just off Victoria Drive near the Cultch.
Remember that Ice Cube song “Once Upon A Time In The Projects”? If this tensely worded wanted poster doesn’t get you singing that line “Don’t fuck with a bitch from the projects!”, you clearly haven't read The Outsiders. And the like the potato-peeling, Junior Mint-eating, crossword puzzle–doing fool who inspired the sign, you are, sooner or later, going to find out you can run, but you can’t hide.