Five things I don’t want to hear about in 2013

As with the (sort of) good, so comes the bad. Here are five things that I don't want to hear a single word about in 2013 but, because the world is an unforgiving place, I will nonetheless read about on a daily basis.

1. Round-the-clock updates about Kim Kardashian's uterus.

I could give a flying fuck about celebrity babies, but this one even more so. I mean, we're talking about a woman whose claim to fame is making a lackluster sex tape with the brother of a washed-up '90s R&B singer. Oh, and she then sued the company that released the tape for $5 million. (Actually, as far as business investments go, that's not a terrible rate of return. But I digress.)

I was so hoping that 2012 would be the last time I'd have to hear about this idiot, her insipid social climbing, and what's going in or coming out of her vaginal canal. Nope; instead today I had to Google the phrase "Kim Kardashian ultrasound".

Thanks for nothing, universe.

2. Round-the-clock updates about Kate Middleton's uterus.

While I have a secret love of the Duchess of Cambridge—she's just so damn classy—I really don't need a play-by-play of any woman's pregnancy, least of all hers. At least Kate and her handlers will hopefully do their best to keep the media at bay during the next several months, while Kardashian will be breathlessly updating us on the thousands of luxury baby onesies she'll be purchasing while Kanye Instagrams her delivery.

3. Anyone claiming there's a War on Men.

There isn't one. Stop trying to make it happen.

(Why yes, I am a bitter, man-hating communist feminazi who just needs a good boning. Did I cover all your comments, gentlemen?)

4. The pathetic state of Vancouver's dating scene.

It feels like every other day I'm reading another impotent screed about how unfriendly, cold, and clique-y Vancouver's dating scene is. Do you know how to fix the problem? Stop acting so damn shitty to each other! PROBLEM SOLVED YOU'RE WELCOME.

5. The continued proliferation of hipster "culture".

Maybe, just maybe, if we ignore them, they will finally crawl back under the rocks from which they came. Wait; were they living under those rocks ironically? I can't even tell anymore.