Five things I don’t want to hear about in 2013

As with the (sort of) good, so comes the bad. Here are five things that I don't want to hear a single word about in 2013 but, because the world is an unforgiving place, I will nonetheless read about on a daily basis.

1. Round-the-clock updates about Kim Kardashian's uterus.

I could give a flying fuck about celebrity babies, but this one even more so. I mean, we're talking about a woman whose claim to fame is making a lackluster sex tape with the brother of a washed-up '90s R&B singer. Oh, and she then sued the company that released the tape for $5 million. (Actually, as far as business investments go, that's not a terrible rate of return. But I digress.)

I was so hoping that 2012 would be the last time I'd have to hear about this idiot, her insipid social climbing, and what's going in or coming out of her vaginal canal. Nope; instead today I had to Google the phrase "Kim Kardashian ultrasound".

Thanks for nothing, universe.

2. Round-the-clock updates about Kate Middleton's uterus.

While I have a secret love of the Duchess of Cambridge—she's just so damn classy—I really don't need a play-by-play of any woman's pregnancy, least of all hers. At least Kate and her handlers will hopefully do their best to keep the media at bay during the next several months, while Kardashian will be breathlessly updating us on the thousands of luxury baby onesies she'll be purchasing while Kanye Instagrams her delivery.

3. Anyone claiming there's a War on Men.

There isn't one. Stop trying to make it happen.

(Why yes, I am a bitter, man-hating communist feminazi who just needs a good boning. Did I cover all your comments, gentlemen?)

4. The pathetic state of Vancouver's dating scene.

It feels like every other day I'm reading another impotent screed about how unfriendly, cold, and clique-y Vancouver's dating scene is. Do you know how to fix the problem? Stop acting so damn shitty to each other! PROBLEM SOLVED YOU'RE WELCOME.

5. The continued proliferation of hipster "culture".

Maybe, just maybe, if we ignore them, they will finally crawl back under the rocks from which they came. Wait; were they living under those rocks ironically? I can't even tell anymore.

Comments (12) Add New Comment
musicmadame
This is funny! And I agree...
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Anna
What about Gangnam Style? no more, please.
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Miranda Nelson
Anna, I'm right there with you!
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Jakob
I know for a fact you're not really a "man-hating communist feminazi" but you are kinda a hipster.
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Miranda Nelson
Takes one to know one, beardo :)
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soundspeed
If we all stopped acting so shitty, cliquey, cold, or whatever you want to call it to each other, not only would the dating scene be less shitty in Vancouver, the whole social/human scene in Vancouver would be less shitty. Say thank you, smile and be nice to each other for once. Pay less attention to celebrities who don't give the slightest fuck about you and get to know your neighbours, coworkers and others who you actually interact with. If you're at a party, dinner or other social gathering, get to know the people you haven't met before.

Just my 2 cents. I enjoyed your post, Miranda.
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akvavit
Here are a few things I don't ever want to hear about or from again... ever... please...

Global warming, pipelines, tankers, fracking, Any member of the royal family (other than Harry), The NRA, fasting (or any other pissed off about everything) natives, Justin Bieber, Gary Bettman, Tom Cruise, Gregor Robertson, bike lanes, vegans, David Suzuki, the Kielburger brothers, the Dalai Lama, Stephen Harper, James Cameron, Ben Mulroney... ah, the list is endless...
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blueheron
The Uterus Chronicles DO get tedious. Celebrity 'bumps' are just not that fascinating.

I'm sick of media propaganda, spin, narratives, stories, news speak, obfuscation and attempts to ignore what doesn't jibe with the accepted views of news outlets. Just the facts, please. Just report the actual facts.

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Hipster problem
If they just stayed at home and managed their Tumblr accounts all day I'd be happy.
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Oh, no
FB no more?
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Paul Ca
Last year, after I don't know which stupid comment by Trump, I made a choice not to read anything about him. That worked and I realized that I had done the same with anything Kardashian. The articles and vapid pics (was her face stapled onto her head? The expression never changes...) are always there but I don't read the headline and I don't care.
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out at night
Can we dispense with every single reality TV show too?
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