Fucking great What the Fuck? indispensable at fucking dinner time
Here’s something that hifalutin fucking stooges like Martha Fucking Stewart will never fucking understand: there’s a good fucking reason that people fucking dine out at fucking McDonald’s instead of making fucking dinner at fucking home. With the global fucking economy fucking collapsing, we’re all too fucking busy working overtime to fucking think about what we’re going to fucking make for fucking dinner.
When the choice is a Big fucking Mac and large fucking fries with as much fucking ketchup as you fucking want, who wants to go home and crack the fucking top on a fucking box of Kraft fucking dinner? And no, jazzing up the favourite fucking dinner of four out of five punk fucking rockers with two wieners made out of fucking assholes and fucking lips doesn’t make a fucking KD dinner sound any more fucking appealing.
The sad fucking fact is that most of us don’t have the time or the fucking smarts to fucking cook for ourselves. Thank fucking Christ then for New York blogger Zach Golden, who’s written a really great fucking book called What the Fuck Should I Make For Dinner? (www.runningpresscooks.com; $17.50)
As you might fucking infer from the title, What the Fuck Should I Make For Dinner? isn’t the kind of book you’ll be wanting to fucking give to your fucking churchgoing Great Aunt Fucking Myrtle for Xmas. You know, the fucking shithead who’s always fucking reminding you that you’re going to “H-E-Double-Toothpicks” for your fucking language.
The great thing about Golden is that he fucking writes the way you fucking talk. Each recipe comes with its own profanely fucking worded intro page. Consider this fucking gem: “It’s a party in your mouth, and everybody’s coming, so why don’t you cook up some fucking Pasta Carbonara”. His instructions are fucking simple enough that a fucking stooge like Jessica Fucking Simpson couldn’t fuck them up. Golden starts the Carbonara out with “Bring a large pot of water to a boil, and salt the shit out of it; make it taste like the fucking sea. Cook the pasta until al dente; don’t fuck this up unless you like ruining food”, and finishes with “Add a fucking egg yolk to each serving, stir it up, and eat that shit immediately.” At the end up each recipe you’ll find alternate fucking suggestions for fucking dinner, one coming under the header “Don’t fucking like that?”, the other under “Don’t fucking eat meat?”.
He also understands that, unlike that fucking foulmouthed troll Gordon Fucking Ramsey, none of us has the time to fucking dink around with fucking recipes that require 50 fucking ingredients, half of which require blowing two fucking weeks’ pay at fucking Harrods. For “Classily partake of some fucking Grilled Swordfish with Pineapple Salsa”, all you need is some fucking fish, olive oil, salt, pepper, cherry tomatoes, fresh fucking pineapple, onion, cilantro, and a fucking lime.
There are 50 fucking recipes in What the Fuck Should I Make For Dinner? , Golden’s bio describing him as a “writer who grew up working and cooking in restaurants, the impetus for both his love for food and for swear words.” If you can’t get to the fucking store this fucking instant to buy the fucking book, you can avoid dinner at Rotten Fucking Ronnies tonight by seeing what you can unearth on his fucking website www.WhattheFuckShouldIMakeForDinner.com, which he founded to “address his own mealtime indecision, as well as to provide an economically viable way to say ‘fuck’ over and over.”
Fucking A.
Follow Mike Fucking Usinger on the fucking Tweeter at twitter.com/mikeusinger.
Comments
9 Comments
Mark Fornataro
Nov 2, 2011 at 4:50pm
Yo Mike -if you fucking get paid by the fucking word, fuck! sign me up for a fuckin column!
Knight
Nov 2, 2011 at 6:49pm
I hope his own fucking recipes are better than the ones his website points to. The one I looked at calls for "1 black truffle, cut into julienne (optional)," something called fresh chervil, and the instructions begin with "Line a large plastic bag with a sheet of paper toweling. Add the greens and place another sheet on top of them. Close and refrigerate." OK, we're getting into multiple-stage processes here, and more than one kind of green, and I dunno who the fuck Julienne is but she sounds like one sick fuck, so I'm fucking OUT and getting myself dinner the right way - fucking delivered.
You
Nov 2, 2011 at 9:49pm
It pointed me to some perfectly decent recipes.
cranky mom
Nov 3, 2011 at 9:59am
I could have used that fucking cookbook last night!
Just Sayin'
Nov 3, 2011 at 12:42pm
This is what passes for wit these days? It's like not very smart seven-year old boys trying to make themselves sound tough.
Holy Fuck
Nov 3, 2011 at 6:30pm
That was the most annoying fucking article I have ever fucking read.
Whot?
Nov 3, 2011 at 7:04pm
I can swear withe the best of them, in a 'normal' sort of way, but this article is just a piece of crap. Just Sayin' is almost right on track, except that not even seven year olds feel like they need to make an impression THIS badly.
jen
Nov 3, 2011 at 7:42pm
as fucking usual mike, i fucking pissed my fucking dress while reading your fucking piece. i fucking gotta find this fucking recipe book, because right now, i'm fucking tipsy and wondering what the fuck i should make for fucking dinner. fucksake.
Amelia Harriet Roberts
Nov 26, 2011 at 2:36pm
the point of this cook book seems to be lost by some commenters above. the FUCKING idea is that its light hearted, something to make you titter while you seek simple inspiration for dinner, not the usual flouncy, over complicated descriptions for god dame vegetables and how to treat them with respect, love, nurture and coax out their inner hidden flavours, aroma's and textures. it'd bloody for, unless your eating cardboard, flavour, texture and "aroma" come as part of the god dame deal when cooking food. So to all you nay sayers on here, maybe picking up a cook book, that explicitly says swears in the bloody title, engage your fucking brain and move along, pick up a shitting Descriptive Delia and spend 4 hours cooking your evening meal because you have to spend 6 months travelling in order to find all the exotic shit in the ingredients list, spend a months food allowance on the dame ingredients then read through 3 dicking hours of elaborate description before you even start cooking. But then again people who write this bullshit about a light hearted cook book, are probably the kind of people who listen to BBc radio 4, say "i don't get it" whilst watching brilliantly grafted comedy and eat christmas dinner in silence with in laws they rather see stuffed and cooked on the dinner table in place of their dry ass Delia Dry fucking Turkey they spent the last 4 months preparing.