Malaysia holds gay-identifying seminars; Canada needs straight-spotting equivalent

The Teachers Foundation of Malaysia, supported by the Malaysian government, has launched a series of seminars to help teachers and parents identify signs of homosexuality in children in order to address the "homosexual problem".

According to the Foundation, the warning signs include the obvious.

For boys, some of the telltale signs are apparently:

  • light-coloured clothing
  • wearing sleeveless or tight-fitting clothes to show off muscular bodies
  • V-neck tops
  • large handbags

For girls:

  • a tendency to eat meals and sleep in the company of other women
  • no affection for men

Unfortunately, the list contained one glaring error as large handbags were on trend a few seasons ago and the homosexual agenda has mandated that casual man-clutches are a non-negotiable requirement for autumn 2012.

However, in promosexual Canada, the "homosexual problem" has subsequently reversed since the legalization of same-sex marriage in 2005 and the deghettoization of the gays from discotheques, rollerderbies, and the men's underwear department at the Bay. Since that time, neurotic conservative fears have come true, with hordes of queer people coming out of the closet en masse, flooding the streets, and wreaking irrepressible and unsolicited joy upon an unsuspecting and naive (yet endearing) Canadian populace.

Unfortunately, many law-abiding parents are now facing the increasingly widespread and heartbreaking prospect of having their dreams crushed upon discovering that instead of parenting a promising, trendy homosexual child, they have a "heterosexual problem" on their hands.

With the rise of metrosexuality, bromosexuality, mofosexuality, and love, the distinctive differences between homosexuals and heterosexuals have become increasingly blurred.

Accordingly, here is a list of characteristics, based upon inconclusive and unsubstantiated empirical studies, that will allow parents or teachers in Canada to distinguish homosexuals from heterosexuals and take "preventative action" as required.

  • an interest in going to movies, concerts, sporting events, or assorted civic activities
  • a desire to play sports or exercise at the gym
  • drinking beer or other alcoholic beverages
  • eating food
  • taking transit, driving cars, or riding bicycles
  • a liberal use of sidewalks, escalators, elevators, or stairs
  • using staples or paper clips
  • going to the beach and having picnics
  • spending time with members of the same sex
  • a seething hatred of Nickelback

You can follow Craig Takeuchi on Twitter at twitter.com/cinecraig. You can also follow the Georgia Straight's LGBT coverage on Twitter at twitter.com/StraightLGBT.

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Comments (6) Add New Comment
M. Wright
This is so ridiculous! Total waste of time, boycott Malaysia.
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A. MacInnis
Mofosexuality?
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guest
hahahaha!
/me drops the stapler immediately.
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hahaha
malaysia is nothing like canada - its extremely muslim conservative - homosexuality isnt understood at all outside of the capital - here we are bombarded by gay friendly tv, adverts, messages - the population gets a really controlled view there. slowly implemented education would be a better route than boycott.
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JeffR
"a seething hatred of Nickelback"

Please! This is absolutely something that transcends sexual orientation.
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"using staples or paper clips?"
I don't know about that, bulldog clips seem awfully homoerotic to me, too.
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