Naked chef and food fetishist Jamie Oliver beats out conniving bitch Queen Elizabeth in airline-travel poll

A Canadian online travel agency recently conducted a poll of its customers to sound them out about their top choices or worst nightmares for seatmates on a flight.

FlightNetwork.com polled 780 people about their willingness to be seated next to certain celebrities.

Not too surprisingly, singer Celine Dion polled the favourite among Canuck celebs, getting 23.7 percent of the votes. Next—perhaps surprisingly, given his reception by comment posters on this website—was David Suzuki at 19.5 percent.

Funny brown guy Russell Peters’ third-place finish (15.4) shows that Canadians prefer sentimentality and the environment over jocularity and, perhaps, outright vulgarity. Who the hell are these people, anyway?

Justin Beiber was put in his place with only 3.2 percent of the tallies, although I’m sure 100 percent of those polled would rather have him beside them than behind, given children’s annoying habits of screaming, attempting to sing, playing with Disney action figures, and kicking the seat in front of them.

Last was disgraced newsprint speculator and bored lord Conrad Black, at 1.7 percent. Not so coincidentally, vapid U.S. lord-of-all-he-surveys, Donald Trump, garnered only 4.1 percent of the Murrican-celeb check marks, leaving the snapped ginger in second-last place.

Seat them together, we say, the criminally stupid with the stupidly criminal.

Oprah Winfrey (“Look under your seat: flotation devices for everyone!”) got 38.3 percent of the south-of-the-border votes, good for first place by a whopping 2-1 margin over second-place President Barack Obama (19.5 percent), who is probably tired of competing with blowhard sentimentalists.

And another third-place finish for a mirthmaker—Tina Fey, in this case—has us wondering if high altitude drains the humour out of frequent fliers.

Finally, Kate Middleton’s married status as Duchess of Cambridge (first, 22.6 percent) seems to have trumped that conniving bitch Queen Elizabeth, who only managed 15.9 percent for third.

Even boyish food fetishist and naked chef Jamie Oliver managed to beat out (16.2) the royal life-support system for a glove.

Carrying on the bad rap for comedians—although in this case it’s probably because he isn’t really funny at all—is Russell Brand, with the poster boy for sodden satyrs rating only 5.6 percent for dead last.

How about you? Who would you want to stick their rump in your face as they brushed by on their way to the can? Would you like to entertain Gordon Campbell getting into his cups on the way to Blighty (“No one understands me!”)?