News for Youse: 85-year-old lady strip searched by TSA (and rightly so), and Canada’s wealthiest “very satisfied” with direction country is taking

The country is reeling this morning from news that the baby Jesus was stolen from the nativity scene at the Holy Trinity Anglican church in Lucan, Ontario, over the weekend. Not only that, but the three wise men and camels were also “flattened” in the same act of vandalism.

While authorities in the small Ontario town search for the missing infant-savior, an emergency commission has made a number of immediate recommendations, including a) not making future nativity scenes out of Play-Doh and b) beefing up security in the area of the Main Street church with increased personnel on the ground, quarterly perimeter sweeps, and laser-cannon nests in key locations in the vicinity. New for Youse will keep you updated.

Experts have estimated that the situation in Lucan has already ruined Christmas by some 35-40 percent, and we all know that numbers don’t lie—or do they?! According to their annual Mood Survey (yes, “Mood Survey”), pollsters at Nanos Research have found “more than 63% of Canadians think Canada is moving in the right direction, up from 52% in 2010.”

"You could call it a 'Canadian Spring,’" Nik Nanos told the QMI agency from inside a cloud of marijuana smoke (not confirmed), adding that the survey also reflected growing approval of the Harper government and even an increased belief that Canada’s international reputation has improved in the last year—news that drew a sharp “Ha!” from tomato-spattered delegates at the climate change conference in Durban.

What Nanos didn’t reveal is that their research sample was limited to my mom and dad’s retirement community, and possibly also Charles Adler and Rex Murphy. Or that’s the only way I can possibly account for those numbers, anyway. Not that Canada’s top 0.1 percent disagrees, since they saw their income share more than double in recent years, according to the drearily named Organization for Economic Co-operation and Development.

Those people are definitely satisfied with the direction the country is taking, and you’d have to be a middle-class debt slave with crippling levels of fear over your child’s future and a face like a donkey’s dick to piss all over good news like that.

Clearly, people need to toughen the hell up, starting with this whiny 85-year-old cry-baby here, who says she might sue the TSA after she was strip-searched by guards at JFK airport last week. Among her complaints is that she sustained a gash to her leg when security personnel banged her shin with her walker—something that wouldn’t have happened if she’d just submitted peacefully to her randomly assigned anti-terror internal like the Patriot Act says she should.

A spokes-drone from the TSA said that they couldn’t see blood gushing from the wound after reviewing footage of the procedure, so obviously the old bird is a fucking liar on top of being a probable jihadist. Good thing the TSA keeps the camera running when they’re sticking a flashlight up your grandmother's ass.