News for Youse: Censorship! Cocaine! Dwarf tossing!

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      While y'all are probably still patting yourselves on the back for the Great Internet Darkening of January 18, which caused over 100 U.S. politicians to announce their opposition to SOPA and PIPA, effectively killing the bills for the foreseeable future, there is a new censorship dragon to slay. It's name? The Anti-Counterfeiting Trade Agreement, or ACTA, a seemingly innocuous "trade agreement" that could see the end of the Internet as we know it: a lawless playground full of twisted pop culture tropes, endless cat macros, tentacles, pornography, and tentacle pornography.

      But what does ACTA do? It's essentially more of the same: forces ISPs to police their users, allows corporations to set laws and regulations, you know, your general taking away peoples' rights to independent thoughts and stuff.

      Here's a helpful video.

      "So, when's the protest?" you ask. Sorry, you're a little late to the party: 32 members of the European Union signed the agreement on January 26. And Canada and the U.S. signed onto ACTA last fall. Seriously. However, the EU votes will count for nothing until at least June, when the European parliament votes on the bad boy.

      Some politicians in Poland, a signatory nation, donned Guy Fawkes masks in Parliament yesterday in protest of the sweeping "trade agreement". And the EU parliament official in charge of ACTA, Kader Afir, resigned in disgust over the heavy handed, non-transparent tactics that led to the signing.

      "I want to denounce in the strongest possible manner the entire process that led to the signature of this agreement: no inclusion of civil society organisations, a lack of transparency from the start of the negotiations, repeated postponing of the signature of the text without an explanation being ever given, exclusion of the EU Parliament's demands that were expressed on several occasions in our assembly," Afir wrote in a blog post on January 26.

      Feeling totally left out of the censorship game, Twitter has also announced that it will now be blocking tweets from specific countries. According to ITWorld.com, "The San Francisco-based microblogging giant said it made the change in an effort to comply with local limits on expression in some foreign countries." So, are you a tinpot dictator who really doesn't want your citizens arranging protests over your human-rights violations and silly hats? Just ask your ol' pal Twitter, who'll help bring itself into compliance with your bullshit censorship laws. After all, it's not an autonomous website; it's merely a tool for oppression. And for disseminating tentacle porn, which we're pretty sure will be illegal under ACTA anyway.

      In other news, we're number 10! Well, at least in terms of press freedom, that is. Canada tied with Denmark for tenth place in the annual rankings, up from a 21st-place finish in 2010. Which countries have the least amount of journalistic freedom in the world? Eritrea, North Korea, Turkmenistan, Syria, Iran, and China. The U.S. clocked in at number 47, tied with Argentina and Romania.

      Want to know where the best party is this weekend? We assume it'll be at the UN's headquarters in New York, where 35.5 pounds of cocaine were "accidentally" sent on January 16. Shipping company DHL dropped off the package at the HQ as it was wrapped in a fake diplomatic pouch. A UN spokeperson claimed that the package, which was sent from Mexico, has no ties to the UN itself. The search for its intended recipient is ongoing.

      Of course, if you can't get into the rager happening at the UN, there's always the Leopard’s Lounge and Broil Strip Club in Windsor, Ontario, which is having an (entirely legal) dwarf tossing contest tomorrow. The only downside: you will be in Windsor, Ontario.

      Just remember not to pack your bush meat, leopard skins, dog food, and ill-begotten ivory if you're going to travel to these awesome events by air. No word on whether your tentacle pornography will make it through customs, although it's probably safe If you keep it stored on your laptop.


      Follow Internet freedom fighter Miranda Nelson on Twitter.

      Comments

      1 Comments

      zeek

      Jan 28, 2012 at 10:57am

      Dwarf Tossing is a primitive sideshow that demeans little people and encourages their abuse. Most recently in the headlines over the in UK, a young man with dwarfism (a physical disability, not a novelty) was put in a wheelchair for life after being thrown by rugby players.

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