News for Youse: Church says gay marriage “worst threat” in 500 years, super-nerd begs to differ

Like a senile elder shitting itself at a family banquet, the Church of England has revealed its thoughts on gay marriage. In a dramatic statement released yesterday, senior clergy said that the U.K. government’s plans to introduce equal marriage laws is the worst threat to the country’s official religion since the Spanish Armada, the English Civil War, and the attack of the Triffids.

“What next?” croaked the CoE, “voting rights for women?” Back on Planet Earth, meanwhile, matters overseas continued to go impressively sideways as shadowy “advisors” briefed eurozone leaders on the possible impact of Greece’s withdrawal from a single currency. Among the proposals they're prepared to talk about publicly are limits on ATM withdrawals and the end of visa-free travel between the 27 member states.

Reuters reports that "contingencies" are being examined in the event of a victory for the left-wing SYRIZA coalition in next week’s Greek election. Should they win, leader Alexis Tsipras is expected to renegotiate or just dump a 130-billion-euro bailout agreement with the EU and the IMF.

Not to be ignored, the neo-Nazi Golden Dawn party pumped up its antics in the run-up to the June 17 poll.

"If Golden Dawn gets into parliament,” MP Ilias Panagiotaros told civilian-dressed supporters at a rally in Athens yesterday, “it will carry out raids on hospitals and kindergartens and it will throw immigrants and their children out on the street so that Greeks can take their place."

Catching up with the other rising star of the Golden Dawn, Ilia Kasidiaris is suing the two victims of his on-air attack on live TV last week. The former army commando says he was provoked by communist party MP Liana Kanelli, which is why the entire world got to watch him punch the 58-year-old woman three times in the face.

To be fair, Ms. Kanelli and her broken, fucked-up nose would also be first in line for medical treatment under a Golden Dawn majority government. It’s always important to examine these things from all sides—at least while we still can, as researchers at Idaho State University have evidently demonstrated that the presence of psychoactive compounds like Prozac in our drinking water is enough to induce autism in fish. So don’t drink water. Or eat fish. (It’s not exactly complicated.)

This news comes at a particularly bad time as one third of Harvard’s “priceless” autism brain samples were destroyed due to a recent unnoticed freezer malfunction. “The damage to these brains could slow autism research by a decade,” said neuropathologist Carlos Pardo, adding that an incipient worldwide epidemic of autism would add about another 20 years to the figure.

Speaking of which, some gaming nerd on Reddit has posted the results of his marathon decade-long Civilization II session, revealing that—according to his research— “a hellish nightmare of suffering and devastation” awaits humankind. The dickens, you say?

You can follow Adrian Mack's contribution to the lobotomizing techno-nightmare known as Twitter at @AdrianMacked.