News for Youse: CSIS, torture, mind-controlled weapons, mustaches, and you

by Miranda Nelson on Feb 7, 2012 at 9:44 am
Look, it was this or a picture of electrode-clad genitals; frankly, we think this was the right choice.

Did you know that the Canadian government is kind of hypocritical? We know; this revelation shocked the News for Youse team to its very core, too. What this time? Just a little organization called CSIS, which claims not to use evidence revealed due to torture (a mandate that extends back to 2009)—except that it totally does, whoops, you caught us.

In a two-page document dated December 2010, Public Safety Minister Vic Toews said, "Don't worry, brah. Torture's, like, totes okay now" and that CSIS's "overriding priority" should not be the preservation of human rights and dignity but instead protection of people and property at all costs. For the record, we here at News for Youse do not condone terrorism; however, we aren't big fans of "enhanced interrogation techniques", or any activity that would see electrodes attached to our genitals, either.

(Stephen Harper could not be reached for comment as he is busy hanging out in China, presumably talkin' 'bout trade, petting pandas, and dodging questions about missing aboriginal women.)

Of course, if science has its way, soon the government will be conducting it's torture, er, interrogations just by thinking about it. Yes, that's right. A new report out of the U.K. looks at the role of neuroscience and weaponry—mind-controlled weaponry, that is. Studies of transcranial direct current stimulation (read: passing electricity through your brain to give you super-human powers) show soldiers with faster reaction times and higher rates of accuracy. Oh, and being able to move shit with their minds.

Ugh, this is all really depressing. But not as depressing as Portland, Maine's 2012 Stache Film Festival, which is currently accepting submissions of short films about the hair farm you're tending on your face. Films should be no more than eight minutes in length and must have a moustache-related theme or moustachioed main character. Top prize is $100, which is not enough to buy back the dignity you lost after winning best in show at a moustache film festival.

(Hark, do you hear that? It's the sound of a thousand eager hipsters breaking out their camera equipment and mustache wax.)

Anyway… holy shit, look at the size of that newborn baby! Weighing in at a wholly unreasonable 15.5 pounds, Chun Chun is the heaviest baby on record ever born in China. Our vaginas are actually crying right now.


Follow Miranda Nelson on Twitter where she will regale you with useless panda facts.

Comments (7) Add New Comment
miguel
Feb 7, 2012 at 10:36 am
♫"Torture is just all right with me
Torture is just all right, oh yeah"♪
Miguel
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Jamie1a
Feb 7, 2012 at 1:59 pm
CSIS will not torture anyone. Nor will anyone in Canadian custody be tortured. Nor will anyone in Canadian custody be renditioned. What the change in policy states is that information that may have been derived from torture will no longer be automatically discarded because of any uncertainty of how it was gained.

Here is a practical example. The Saudi's interrogate / torture someone and discover a potential plot to kill Canadians.

The old policy stated that this info had to be discarded.

"Hey um... Canada... we have this guy, and he said that his friends totally have plans to kill a bunch of your citizens."

"Thanks Saudi Arabia, but we don't like how that intel was gathered... or we can't really know how you got it... so, you know... never mind... we'll just see what happens and hope for the best".

Not everything discovered through torture is false. Ignoring information that may potentially save lives because some bureaucrat or intelligence officer is afraid of going to jail doesn't seem like a good trade-off to me.

It's the lesser of two evils. The world is an evil place. Wishing it wasn't so doesn't change this fact.

Can you imagine if scores of Canadians were killed and our intelligence services ignored information that could have prevented it... in order to uphold the old policy?
That's the better alternative?

I wish the Straight took serious issues seriously. I remember when it's writers used to be thoughtful. Now they are just ideological cheerleaders. Who cares about common sense?
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Mark Fornataro
Feb 7, 2012 at 2:53 pm
Jamie1a- the late satirist Lenny Bruce once did a bit where he played someone about to be tortured for info. It was something like this :'You're going to give me a hot lead enema? I'll say anything you want, just don't give me the enema.' Bruce was hip to the fact that torturing- apart from being inhumane in the extreme- is a very stupid way to try to get reliable information.
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DavidH
Feb 7, 2012 at 4:00 pm
So what's wrong with genital-electrodation??

Personally, I've never had electrodes attached to my genitals, but if a suspected terrorist chooses to do so, who am I to condemn him?

What's next? Denying people the right to a full cavity search at the airport?

I stand squarely behind every person's right to be abused or demeaned in any manner they wish, as long as the abused and abuser are adults.
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Jamie1a
Feb 7, 2012 at 6:19 pm
Torture is definitely not a reliable way to get information, as it can often lead to false information and confessions. Anyone reading on the subject understands this. However, people also do give up valuable intel while being tortured. Remember, a piece of intelligence doesn't exist in a vacuum. Creditable intel is corroborated through other means. For example, if through questionable means someone gives up names, this information isn't treated as gospel. It's checked and investigated. So yeah, it's probable that information garnered through torture will be false, but it's also probable that a person will divulge accurate information. People will say anything to make it stop... INCLUDING the truth. Ignoring this information, especially in extraordinary situations where many innocent people's lives are at risk, and especially when it's after the fact, is not the responsible thing to do.
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miguel
Feb 9, 2012 at 9:13 am
Torture proved useless in witch hunting, and shouldn't even be used in the same sentence as intelligence gathering.
Miguel
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Manny
Jul 5, 2012 at 12:53 pm
Kindly ask Canadian Security Intelligence Service (CSIS) the following questions.

Does the Canadian government (federal, provincial or municipal or any other Canadian agency ie. CSIS or RCMP) follow Canadians abroad (in another country) and if yes which agencies are involved?

Besides CSIS which other Canadian government agency operates outside Canada?

Does CSIS use phycotropic drugs or any other drug in any instance?

Does CSIS use a combination of substances that might react as phycotropic drug or any other type of drug in any instance?

Does any other Canadian government agency or foreign government agency use drugs on Canadian citizens?

Does CSIS or any other Canadian government agency divulge private information of Canadians to foreigners or their agents?

Does CSIS or any other Canadian government agency spread rumors, spread false information or embellish events regarding Canadian citizens?

Do foreign government or foreign private agencies or foreign organizations harass or influence Canadian Citizens?

Does CSIS use private investigators to spy on Canadians?

Does any other Canadian government agency use private investigators to spy on Canadians?

Do foreign governments or foreign citizens hire Canadian private investigators to spy on Canadians?

Do foreign governments or foreign organizations perform intrusive surveillance on Canadians?

How can a person find out if a security certificate is being used on that person or has been issued by a judge?

Thanking you,
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