News for Youse: Did Mitt Romney profit from aborted fetuses?

Sometimes, we’re pretty sure that the shadowy puppetmasters in the United States simply gave up any pretence of a proper presidential race this year. Not only did the Republicans pick the most privileged, moneyed, unsympathetic white dude as their nominee in the 2012 election, we’re also sure they didn’t even bother to vet Mitt “Mittens” Romney.

First there were allegations of strapping beloved family pets to the roof of his car. Then came the reports that he was a childhood bully. Now Mother Jones has found that Mittens is being investigated over his ties to a medical-waste disposal company that, among other things, disposes of aborted fetuses.

Mittens says he had nothing to do with Bain Capital—a company Romney cofounded in 1984—investing $75 million in Stericycle, possibly the best-named company ever to exist, back in 1999. (“I wuz workin’ on the Olympics!” is the reason excuse given by the Romney camp as to why he couldn't possibly be involved.)

But documents recently filed by Bain and Stericycle with the Securities and Exchange Commission indicate that Romney was still actively involved with the investment at the time. If this allegation is true—and if you want to be completely crass about it, which we always do—Romney made money off of aborted fetuses.

It doesn’t quite make Romney a complete hypocrite, we suppose. In 1994, Romney believed abortion should be legal and safe; it wasn’t until 2005 that he came out, anti-choice guns a-blazin’.

However, it does raise a question: has there ever been an honest politician? (Please leave your nominations in the comments below.)

While we’re on the topic of covering up shit the public ought to know, Kurt Mix, a former engineer with BP, is being accused of impeding a jury probe into BP’s response to the massive oil spill it caused in the Gulf of Mexico in 2010 by deleting over 300 text messages so they could not be used against him. Mix’s lawyers are predictably claiming that the texts had nothing to do with the spill (“Guys, chill. It’s just that his inbox was full! It had nothing to do with the criminal charges!”), while the FBI claims that at least one of the texts indicated that Mix knew the well was blowing more oil than the company was publicly claiming.

We mostly bring this up to remind everyone that no one is in prison because of the BP oil spill, the worst offshore oil spill in U.S. history. Carry an ounce of weed on you in the States? Prison. Pretty much destroy an entire ecosystem? You’re practically a hero; after all, you’re creating jobs.

Reports out of China allege that a drunk bus driver attacked a woman in her car, then gnawed off part of her face. The assailant forced the woman to stop her car, smashed the hood, then dragged her out of her car before biting her face. He was arrested later that day, while the victim will require plastic surgery to repair the damage.

Now, we here at News for Youse don’t want to be overly alarmed types, pointing to a conspiracy when there isn’t one (we prefer to expose the conspiracies that are actually happening), but how many faces need to be eaten before we admit there’s a problem? Or are violent cannibalistic episodes entirely commonplace and we’re just hearing more reports about them because we’re now looking for them?

Regardless, it’s high time we start shopping around our one-man play, I Was a Face-Eating Pro-Choice Cannibal Before I Got Roped Into This Presidential Dog-and-Pony Show.

Hey, we didn’t say it was a good play.

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