News for Youse: Dr. Drew takes pharma payola, Sarkozy murdered by wife, and the truth about mermaids
Everyone relax—the seven new African penguins at the Vancouver Aquarium finally have names, ending a tense, monthlong contest during which the flightless birds didn’t know what to call each other.
The public was asked to suggest names based on locations in B.C., and after sorting through some 600 entries, staff at the Aquarium officially said hello yesterday to Pigeon Park, Vanderhoof, Fraser and 20th, Oakridge Mall, A Dairy Queen in Nanaimo, Bon’s, and—of course—the White Water Slide and RV Park.
With all that hoo-hah out of the way, the penguins can finally get down to the business of amusing us with their natural physical comedy and uncanny impressions of Nicolas Sarkozy.
Speaking of which, hilariously bumbling police raided the home and office of the former French president yesterday, looking for evidence that Sarkozy took illegal campaign money from L'Oréal heiress Liliane Bettencourt, the richest woman in all of France and the mother of famed Extreme guitarist Nuno Bettencourt and his three brothers, Mimo, Popo, and Toupee Bettencourt.
Sarkozy made no comment about the investigation. Not because he was avoiding the media, but because dusky songstress Carla Bruni-Sarkozy had wrapped her willowy legs around the beleaguered politician’s head, enchanting photographers with her insouciant stare while she crushed the life out of him with her thighs.
The U.S. government has finally clarified its position on mermaids. "No evidence of aquatic humanoids has ever been found," reads a statement that appeared on the website of the National Ocean Service last week—something that might come as a surprise to Steven Tyler, Penelope Cruz, and beloved family entertainer Brandon Lewis, not to mention the moderators of the I Know Someone Who Looks Like a Fish Facebook group.
Of course, this is the same U.S. government that said Saddam had WMDs and Oswald acted alone, so its hard stance on fish people doesn’t exactly have much credibility.
Finally, not to mention devastatingly, it’s been revealed that Dr. Drew Pinsky was paid $275,000 by Glaxo to say nice things about the antidepressant Wellbutrin in a 1999 radio broadcast. The transaction was revealed this week as the U.S. Justice Department wrapped up an investigation into the pharmaceutical giant’s illegal marketing activities.
While Dr. Drew stated in a public email yesterday, "My comments were consistent with my clinical experience," the celebrity health-care community snapped into action, with Dr. Phil setting up an emergency helpline and recommending either Paxil or Zoloft for the millions of Americans coping with the stress of being exploited by the celebrity health-care community.
You can follow Adrian Mack's contribution to the lobotomizing techno-nightmare known as Twitter at @AdrianMacked.