News for Youse: the Great Internet Blackout of 2012 leaves students stymied over Wikipedia's soap-hating ways

It's really fucking cold outside right now, kids. So gather ye 'round whilst News for Youse imparts a tale for the ages.

And lo, a darkness fell across the land as the mighty Duchy of Wikipedia shuttered its doors and windows, its inhabitants refusing to answer questions for a mere 24-hour timespan. A million angry, frazzled, petulant students screamed into the void: "How will we research our papers? How can we finish our assignments? We know not how to proceed into the Realm of Academia without the Wikipedians! And just why doth thy kingdom protesteth against soap?"

Oh, but in the distance a tiny beckon shone through the bleak, cold night. What's that? Google Cache? You will save us! Seriously, use the cache function and you're golden.

How else can you access Wikipedia in an "emergency situation"? Use the mobile site. (Although News for Youse does think that's slightly classist.) Or you can just disable Javascript and browse Wikipedia that way. Or, as my clever and cheeky friends point out, you can access non-English versions of the site. That plus Google Chrome's built-in translation tool should have you covered just in case you really need the episode synopsis to the sixth episode of the third season of Lost RIGHT NOW.

(You know, the more we think about this, the more we understand the concept of a "symbolic" protest.)

One last crazy thought! Put on your shoes, head outside, and go to a library. I hear they have these things called books in them.

For added hilarity, check out @herpderpedia for hilarious quotes from completely pissed-off people.

While News for Youse assumes its readers are intelligent enough to understand the need for this online protest—which is also being observed by other sites, including reddit.com, OSNews, and Wired (sort of)—here's an informative video to explain how SOPA/PIPA could affect the Internet as we know it.

And, just to bring it full circle, here's why you can't trust what the Internet's telling you anyway.

Oh, right. You came here for news, not online proselytizing.

Stephen Harper has a simple message for the United States: "We're not your fucking playground, douchenozzles." Why? Because he believes the U.S. shouldn't have any say over pipelines that run through Canada, even if that pipeline would reach into the U.S. (Obama, by the way, is rejecting the fucking Keystone XL project. Well, sort of. They're gonna look at a different route.)

"Just because certain people in the United States would like to see Canada be one giant national park for the northern half of North America, I don't think that's part of what our review process is all about," Harper told Peter Mansbridge on January 16.

We're really just glad to be set straight about what all this Northern Gateway pipeline hullabaloo is all about. It's not about legitimate concerns over a company that's reported over 800 oil spills in 10 years and the inevitability of such a spill in our northern wilderness; nah, it's about sovereignty. We gotta hand it to Mr. Harper; he knows just what to say to get our panties in a twist.

Did you know that as well as opposing wanton environmental destruction, the majority of Canadians support the decriminalization/legalization of marijuana? Yup, new numbers show that two-thirds of Canadians and a staggering 73 percent of British Columbians have nothing against the demon weed and would like it if we could all just get along.

Speaking of things that are green, the world's biggest emerald will be auctioned off in Kelowna later this month. Teodora, as the 57,500-carat rock is known, is appraised at $1.15 million and weighs 11.5 kilograms. We can't imagine who's going to bid on that, except for a very ambitious supervillain who needs it to focus light rays for some sort of space laser. Shit, if only we could access the Wikipedia entry for emerald...

Follow Miranda Nelson on Twitter. If you are her Facebook friend, it is guaranteed she will "borrow" your ideas and links for her articles. She only does it because she loves you. And she's lazy.