News for Youse: Margaret Thatcher, mysterious time loops, and appropriate uses of 911
The big hullabaloo this morning is about the declassification of papers from Margaret Thatcher's 1981 government. Among the revelations: Thatcher was a spendthrift who questioned spending 19 pounds of taxpayers' money on an ironing board (she said she would pay for it herself), and insisted a cabinet minister find less expensive accommodations. The papers also show a division among government officials over whether or not to "abandon" Liverpool after a series of riots there. (Sir Geoffrey Howe, you do not end up looking very good over this.)
The most worrying revelation, however, is that we've hit a time loop. 1981: a royal wedding (Charles and Diana), riots (Liverpool), horrible economy. 2011: a royal wedding (Will and Kate), riots (London), horrible economy. Based on this, it's safe to predict that in 1982 we will see the birth of a new royal heir, another pointless war over a tiny group of islands, and a serious revamping of Canada's constitutional rights–although the good money is on a complete rollback of said rights, now that we live in Harper's Canada.
(News for Youse would like to take this opportunity to say, "We love Leader!")
More proof that time is being systematically manipulated? Samoans went to bed on Thursday evening (December 29) and woke up on Saturday (December 31). While News for Youse remains convinced that we've hit some sort of malleable timeline, the "official" explanation was a shift in the international date line, which moved Samoa into the same time zone as its Pacific trading partners.
There are reports surfacing that the U.S. Department of Homeland Security creates fake Facebook and Twitter accounts to ferret out potentially seditious activities, as opposed to those scammers who make fake profiles of hot women in an attempt to get into your wallet. The fake profiles are used to scan social media sites, as well as blogs, for specific words and phrases. So, as a public service: illegal immigrant, outbreak, drill, strain, virus, recovery, deaths, collapse, human to animal, and Trojan. Please enjoy reading more of our irreverent blogs, DHS!
Canada's Department of Foreign Affairs would like you to know that, no matter how much you can't stand her, consular officials simply do not have the authority to remove mothers-in-law from your home. (Nor will they help mothers-in-law from removing Rob Ford from their homes.) They also will not pick up your dog from the airport, help you get tickets to see Oprah, or rescue you from a foreign prison via helicopter. That sort of treatment, of course, is reserved for Canadian MPs at their summer cottages.
In a similar vein, the Chatham-Kent Police Service is reminding its citizens that a cat eating your hamburger is not a reason to call 911. (Yes, we're just as surprised to hear this as you are.) You should also refrain from calling 911 if you've left your ID at home and you want to get into a bar, or if you are having a dispute with your significant other over whether to play Xbox or Wii.
And now a few quick stories that you can impress (or bore) your friends with this New Year's Eve.
Did you know there was a giant at Kim Jong-il's funeral?
Someone in Saskatoon is extremely pepper-spray happy.
If you manage to survive the debauchery of New Year's Eve, there's gonna be a meteor shower on January 4.
Mitt Romney's son is kind of a moron.
Michigan's Lake Superior State University would like to ban the word 'amazing'.
And three simple words: hackers … in space!
Happy New Year's, folks. See you again in 2012.
For up-to-the-moment time loop news, follow wannabe time traveller Miranda Nelson on Twitter.