News for Youse: Mysterious spaceballs rain from sky, plus Newt Gingrich’s sex tape
It’s happening, people. Mysterious balls from outer space—or "spaceballs", as they’re technically known—are falling to earth, and have been for the past 20 years. The one pictured above landed in Namibia in November, creating a crater one foot deep and 12 feet wide. The object is said to be about the size of Limp Bizkit frontman Fred Durst’s head.
Authorities in the African nation have no explanation for the object, although some suggest we’re seeing either fallout from a highly secret space-based weapons platform, or possibly the grim aftermath of a rabbit sticking his finger in the barrel of a Martian’s ACME Disintegration Pistol.
Whatever its origin, it’s clear that some sort of screaming panic is necessary, not to mention accelerated efforts to eliminate risk on the ground—fortunately, we’re militarizing police across the continent, as in Fargo, North Dakota, where the local cop shop was recently showered with $8 million in high tech urban assault weaponry. With a whopping two murders per year in the sleepy midwestern town, one wonders if $8 million is even close to enough.
The trend isn’t limited to the States, thank merciful full-metal Christ: readers will recall that the VPD carried “baby Armalites” into the Olympics among other ween-stiffening hardware, although they didn’t get to use the two urban assault vehicles they scored out of the $1 billion security budget, sadly.
Meanwhile, authorities have begun fisting your grandmother’s backdoor in places other than the airport. “TSA teams are increasingly conducting searches and screenings at train stations, subways, ferry terminals and other mass transit locations around the country,” cheerily reports the LA Times, predicting that within 10 years Behaviour Detection Officers will shoot you on the spot for trying to enter your own car without the correct papers, and then they’ll put your head on a spike.
In a related story, the U.S. government is asking that scientific journals refrain from publishing the recipe for that massively contagious and totally lethal airborne bird flu mutation that some fucking moron at the University of Wisconsin–Madison developed recently, thanks. Authorities fear it could be “used by bio-terrorists”, including but not limited to their own bio-terrorists and the patsies they blamed for mailing weaponized anthrax to anyone not quite on message back in 2001.
In a distressing development in the war against fatties, the U.S. Coast Guard has been forced to reduce the carrying-capacity on passenger-ferry services due to “a dramatic increase in obesity in the United States.” Coast Guard Lt. Eric Young told reporters, "They generally carry about 2,000, so it's down to 1,750 now.” He added that with these reduced numbers, “the ferry wouldn't tip over even if everyone ran to the side to look at a pod of killer whales.” Although it would if they all jumped up and down at the same time, probably.
Finally, please enjoy Newt Gingrich’s sex tape, below. No, seriously, this is how Republicans have sex (the ones that aren’t taking catamites, at any rate.) They just cut to a picture of a church or some white kid whenever Newt makes his fuck-face.
Newt Gingrich and his lovely wife Heinz would like to wish you a Merry Fistmas