News for Youse: Occupy May Day! and other strange tales
Happy International Worker's Day! Do you know where your employees are? If they know anything about the Internet, it's likely that they are taking up the call to occupy all around the world today. At least 135 cities are taking part in the loosely organized general strike, including Vancouver, where people are meeting up at the Vancouver Art Gallery beginning around noon for music and speeches. (We won't tattle on you if you don't go in to work, we promise.)
But be careful! Just because there's a massive anti-corporate protest, it doesn't mean you won't be arrested for, say, jaywalking in New York City.
You can keep up with the latest developments via the #M1GS hashtag. Or watch all the latest from New York via the livefeed below.
Sigh. We remember being young and idealistic like it was just yesterday. Now we are bitter husks of our former selves who find no joy in Mudville.
If you are only going to protest one day in your life. Today should be the day.. #M1GS— Anonymous (@YourAnonNews) May 1, 2012
Hey, you heard the Internet.
German investigators have liberated over 100 secret al-Qaeda files relating to future terror plots. Where did they find this secret information? Oh, on a porno that was hidden on a digital device and shoved down someone's underpants. You know, when we find porn hidden in people's buttcracks, we aren't in the habit of digging through the files, finding one called "Sexy Tanja", and then spending weeks decoding it on the off-chance it may contain information vital to the security of our nation.
(Full disclosure: we usually just watch the porn.)
Perhaps we now understand why we flunked out of detective school. Although it doesn't explain what's wrong with the FBI, which only seems to be foiling terror plots that it puts into motion itself. We aren't gonna lie—that kind of sounds like entrapment to our untrained ears but, again, remember that our training only extends as far as watching old episodes of Law and Order and CSI.
And from the nobody-is-surprised-in-the-slightest file, a parliamentary inquiry into the never-ending U.K. phone-hacking scandal has concluded "Rupert Murdoch is not a fit person to exercise the stewardship of a major international company." The inquiry also condemned Murdoch's son, James, for his ignorance surrounding the events at News of the World, stopping short of calling him a complete doofus for failing to realize that when you end up paying out £700,000 in compensation for hacking a celebrity's cellphone messages, it's not usually out of the goodness of your heart.
Follow the "I'd rather be Occupying" Miranda Nelson on Twitter.