News for Youse: Piers Morgan squirms, Goddess Bunny returns, and Sean Penn is a communist asshole

That tubby little celebrity despot and power-worshipping quisling Piers Morgan had a bad day yesterday in front of the judicial inquiry into phone hacking. In an appearance described as “testy” in the press, and “deeply satisfying” by everyone else, Morgan was forced to lie like a 19th-century grub standing before the magistrate as he denied having any role in the scandal that cost News Corp one of its flagship newspapers and landed at least one reptilian journalist (so far) in jail.

Despite directly implicating himself in the hacking of Heather Mills’s phone in an article he wrote for the Daily Mail in 2006, Morgan stood by his defence that he was merely the innocent editor of two of the tabloids mired in the scandal —“editor” being more of a ceremonial position than a practical one, as we all know. With fate and the elements on our side, there’s a small chance that Morgan will follow Larry King’s career path in ways he probably never predicted.

In slightly more substantial news, Quebec has decreed that prison guards can wear a hijab, even the female ones, after a four-year inquiry by the province’s human rights commission. In order to save any Sun Media readers the trouble of thinking this through themselves—White Man! Your country has been stolen by terrorists, brown people, and uppity female types who almost certainly don’t watch hockey or drink Tim Horton's coffee. Everything has gone to hell, they’re crawling through your windows as you read this, and it was Quebec that let it all happen!

Same goes for communists. Or same goes for Sean Penn, at least, who was attacked by inadvertently retired actor Maria Conchita Alonso at an airport in Miami on Monday. Incensed by his well-known affection for Hugo Chavez, not to mention his performance in I Am Sam, the Venezuelan firecracker with the musical name (note: all Latin American women are “firecrackers”) confronted Penn, calling him a “communist asshole”. Penn responded by saying she was a “pig,” but at least he didn’t punch her out, so fair dues.

An AIDS vaccine developed by scientists at the University of Western Ontario will undergo clinical trials, with the hope that it’ll be available within five years, which is nice and everything, but much more importantly—pop star Rihanna is steamed with Dutch magazine Jackie for referring to her as both the N-word and the B-word, double-dutch KAPOW!

Meanwhile down in L.A., that stirring sound you hear is the greatly anticipated return of the Goddess Bunny, much rounder than before but just as creepy after a mysterious and lengthy hiatus from the foreground of our collective waking nightmare. Details below: