News for Youse: Rising sea levels spell disaster, while Olivia Newton-John takes the edge off

A slew of terrifying weather stories reminds us that the world inches ever closer to those sci-fi novels I used to read when I was a teenager.

A state of emergency was declared on Saturday after heavy rainfall caused flooding in Sicamous. Southern Alberta also braced itself for a second round of cataclysmic thunderstorms yesterday, while the Associated Press brought the happy news this morning that rising sea levels are creating a 600-mile flood zone along the east coast.

According to the U.S. Geological Survey, the Atlantic Ocean is rising at a greatly accelerated rate. “Somewhere between Maryland and Massachusetts, you’ve got some bodaciously expensive property at risk," commented Margaret Davidson of the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration. “And I’m, like, whoaaa…,” she added, while journalists described themselves as “gagged with a spoon”.

By the way, hippies, none of this has anything to do with climate change. It’s happening because we’ve let the Gays run rampant and ours is an angry and vengeful God. Presumably, this is why the flag raising for Toronto’s Pride Week will be short one ruddy, Weeble-shaped mayor again this year.

Readers will recall that Rob Ford also didn’t attend last year’s Pride parade, the bitch, because it coincides with the family’s traditional Canada Day weekend at the cottage, where Ford and his heterosexual wife like to lurk in the bushes at all hours of the night and make conventional love to the strains of Olivia Newton-John’s “Physical”.

Full disclosure—we made that last part up. But Olivia Newton-John’s “Physical” has been voted the “Sexiest Song of All Time” by the pervy editors at I know—we don’t get it, either. Here at the home of News for Youse, we prefer to begin our biannual intercourse transaction with a nice Cornish pasty, followed by a slice of Mr. Kipling’s Battenberg and a little Roger Whittaker, but we admittedly tend to be a little more adventurous than average.

You can follow Adrian Mack's contribution to the lobotomizing techno-nightmare known as Twitter at @AdrianMacked.

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I think it's alarming that seal levels are rising around the world. It won't be long before we have seals everywhere, eating our crops and attacking innocent passers-by.

It's time that we stopped seal levels from rising. We could harvest them and give them to Eskimos, who are always complaining about the fact that milk costs $150 a gallon in wherever they live.

Oh. Sea levels - not seal levels. Never mind then.
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